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How to stop being insecure

Updated on August 27, 2015


Being insecure can become damaging to your relationships with other people and partners. Learning to love yourself is important in order for you to be happy, to feel normal and to live a healthy life.

Insecurities are formed by certain events or situations that have occurred in people's lives from their past or from a humiliating experience. It could also be from low self esteem caused by feeling alone and lacking attention at some point in their lives.

It is a flawed character trait that results from rejection or humiliation as a child.

People who are insecure feel inadequate and tend to worry about what others think of them all the time.

They want to be liked and will go out of their way to make people like them by buying them, telling them great stories which could not be true and will go out of their way to impress others in order to feel liked.

Insecure people will hide their true selves in order to prevent rejection.

Emotional scaring or an abnormality of sorts could also be the reason for insecurities.

People that are insecure tend to be controlling as adults in order to create a false sense of security for themselves but in the process, often hurt those around them without any knowledge of it.

It is not as easy as it sounds for those who are insecure but it can be done and should be done so that you too can go out and feel good about yourself.

Insecure people are never satisfied with themselves
Insecure people are never satisfied with themselves

Insecurity in relationships

The most confident people can become insecure in relationships due to events or situations that they have taken place in relationships.

People who have partners that never make them feel good about themselves and are obsessed with weight, looks and the exterior can become insecure as they are always trying to perfect their looks and appearance with no compliments from their partners.

Relationships that have partners who never flatter and always criticise will form insecurities in a person if it continues often and in most cases are with insecure partners to begin with.

Insecurities in relationships also have a different meaning as the partner might be flirtatious or have a history with members of the opposite gender that could be repeatedly brought up in the current relationship with talks of how great someone was or is and it could also be that they are obsessed with a certain type of person and their habits.

Relationships that have insecurities can lead to jealousy and trust issues.

Men in relationships can become controlling as they do not feel worthy of having their partner and fear that they will lose them to someone else.

In all relationships with insecurities, there is jealousy, anger and trust issues.

Bullying is also a trait of insecure people as well as insulting others in order to feel better about themselves.

They will also lie about success or things that they have done in order to seek approval from others.

For the partners that are with insecure people, it could be an unhappy and brutal experience as you will be bullied or insulted in order for your partner to feel in control and worth more than you.

By insulting and damaging your character the insecure partner feels better if you lack the confidence that they want and often do not realise that they are doing that.

Complimenting and praising your partner does not help as they expect approval and praise from others and will never be satisfied with themselves, regardless of how much praise they receive.

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Steps on how to stop being insecure

There are a number of steps to take in order to feel less insecure about yourself and at the end of the day you need to remember that each and every single one of us has been blessed with something.

The first step that you need to take is to find the source of your insecurity and open up about it. Talk to your partner or a close friend in order to move on from what caused you to become insecure in the first place. If you do not find the source of your insecurity then you will always have a difficult time and you will never really feel what it is like to be happy and carefree.

In the meantime there are a few steps or tips for you to follow.

Find something beautiful within yourself and accentuate that one asset if you are insecure
Find something beautiful within yourself and accentuate that one asset if you are insecure

Step 1 Find an asset

Every single one of us has been blessed with something good and if it be your eyes, lips, thick hair, smile, whatever.... take a look in the mirror and find an asset that makes you stand out from everyone else.

People who cannot find an asset tend to try plastic surgery and they are never satisfied with the results, ending up going for more and more procedures.

That is not the answer and by taking a look at what you have to offer then focusing on that one thing, will help you to gain more positive energy within yourself.

Once you are able to focus on a good thing, you should then go out and emphasise that asset.

Step 2 Find your ability

What are you good at doing? Do you have a talent or something that you absolutely love?

If so, work on that and try your very best to perfect your ability on order to make you stand out from others.

Most of us have a hidden talent that we do not know about and finding what you are good at might actually surprise you, enough to work at it and be the best that you can be.

Everyone has a hidden talent, whether it be a writing skill, vocal talent or even an ability for a specific job, we all have something!

Take a look at what you enjoy doing and see if you are good at it. You might not think that you are so concentrate on gaining more knowledge and work hard to be the best at what you love.

Once you have worked, worked and worked on your talent, then you can go out there and use it to your advantage.

These things do not happen overnight and it will take some time but it can be done and you will see that everyone else will notice it to.

Once they have given you recognition, you will still not be satisfied and in that case you need to see how long it took you and how far you have gone to achieve the recognition and then see how much further you can take your talent.

Love yourself before others can love you!
Love yourself before others can love you!

Step 3 Build your confidence

Yes it is easier said than done but it can be done and the only way to do that is to focus on your asset and then go out and accentuate it.

You need to walk into a room thinking that everyone else can see your asset and that they know that it is beautiful too.

The first step to building your confidence is to wake up and take a look in the mirror.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful

You are the best that you can be today

People will love you

You have strength to move forward into the beautiful day

You will succeed

Forget about the world outside and don't think that everyone is looking at you in a bad way, but in a good one and if you see that they are looking it is because you have noticed the beauty inside yourself.

People who make you feel uncomfortable, stupid or ugly are not worth being around and the more that you hear this or feel it, the more you will believe it, so AVOID those people in your lives and work on finding people that make you feel good.

Step 4 Equalise yourself

Understand that you are on the same level as everyone else and that you are equal. If you are fat, there are many people out there exactly the same as you. If you have a scar or a big nose etc, there are so many others that have the same thing.

Take a look around and take a very big look at everyone else. Have a look at flaws in others and watch for people who walk with their heads down through a lack of confidence. You will find almost everyone has something that they are not happy with and you are no different to them.

The difference is to ensure that you find a way to feel the same as everyone else and you need to be certain that you are like everyone else.

We have all been given a gift and we have all been scarred in some way, which makes us all equal and what separates us all in the world is the way that we carry ourselves.

Be proud of who you are

Be grateful for the life that you have been given

Be the best that you can possibly be

You should also note that there are others that feel the same way that you do and by insulting them you will make them feel worse than they already feel.

Treat everyone as your equal and if you are insecure, work on it rather than try to bring someone down. Pick yourself up and be on the same level, put people on the same level and understand that we are all EQUAL.

Step 5 Stop the stories and be true to yourself and others

There is no need to tell stories and make up things that will impress others. Find real things that are impressive to you and understand that those true to you and people who love you, will love you no matter what. Be open and honest and avoid telling fables in order to get attention.

By telling lies and creating stories to make people like you, you are giving a false character and once people find out the truth, which they always do, you will end up being worse off then you were to start off with.

Making up stories will eventually isolate you from the ones that you love and love you which will not be a great future for you.

Work on the things that you are truly good at and find real things to talk about and you will find that people will respond to you in a completely different way.

Love the person that you are and find things that you have done in your past or present to be proud of and speak about that.

If you have ambitions or dreams that you wish to achieve, then speak about that, how you would like to achieve them and when you think you will.

By making up stories about false achievements, you will only cause people to research and find the truth, which will not be good for you and it will create a whole new set of insecurities for you.

"The truth shall set you free" and that is the fact. Talking about normal things and everyday situations might seem boring to you but that is what everyone talks about and many of us do not have fantastic stories to tell, but there are people that will be interested.

Insecure people need to surround themselves with people that love them and understand them
Insecure people need to surround themselves with people that love them and understand them

Step 6 Ask your friends or family to give you 5 good things about you

Ask friends or family to give positive things about you and write them down. Each day concentrate on one of those things and see if you can emphasise what it is in order to slowly build up your confidence.

Do not ask people that you barely know, strangers on the street or people that do not make you feel good but ask the people that really know you well.

Each day take just one of those positive things and concentrate on emphasising that trait for a whole week or until you feel that it is true.

Once you have worked on it and found a way to accept that it is true, then move on to the next one.

By the end of the list you will feel good about yourself and you will find that while you are out, you will be concentrating on the assets or positive things that you have heard about yourself.

Step 7 Avoid those who make you feel insecure

Avoid people that make you feel insecure, bad about yourself or tell you that you are no good.

These people are toxic to you and if you cannot confront them on how they make you feel the way that they do, then you need to walk away from them in order to better your own self and feel more secure.

Do not run from everyone that you feel makes you uncomfortable forever but just until you are strong enough to feel good and able to stand in their presence as an equal.

As long as you are surrounded by people that make you feel comfortable and do not threaten you in any way, you will be able to gain the positive energy that they give out to you.

Take it in and work on building a stronger you.

Colleagues that make you feel worthless at work need to be avoided in order for you to succeed and although you cannot avoid them forever, you can build your career away from their insults, with enough time to become more successful than they are.

Step 8 Be with people that are supportive

Those that know and love you will understand that you are insecure and in order for you to feel better about yourself, surround yourself with those that make you feel good and loved.

Do not harp on the fact that they understand your insecurities and do not surround yourself with supportive people that you can manipulate, if that is your reason to feel better.

Stay with people that make you feel good and be good to them by being truthful, kind and loving.

Let those that love you know that you feel insecure and give them your reasons so that they can help you work through them.

Supportive people will make you see the light and will help you to become stronger and feel better.

Keep those people away from you when you feel the need to make them hurt for your benefit.

Do not break down people that are helpful and understanding to your situation because they will end up leaving you alone after all the heartbreak that you have not realised you have caused them.

Put on an invisible suit to cover your flaws
Put on an invisible suit to cover your flaws

Insecure people that bring you down

As we have already said, people who are insecure for whatever the reason do not feel good about themselves. Some of them react to their situation in very different ways and for most, tend to try to control, manipulate and without knowing, hurt the ones that they love.

For relationships that have insecurities, you could be listening to so many stories that are not believable, you could be made to feel not good enough and with that, you will end up believing it yourself, which will in turn make you feel a little insecure.

Take control of your own life and work with your partner on their insecurities.

There might be past situations or events that have made them this way but if you avoid helping them or facing it as a problem, you could end up in a bitter relationship rather than a happy one.

Some insecure partners tend to lash out and become angry in public if they are not comfortable and without understanding that they are not comfortable or something has caused them to feel insecure, they will end up taking it out on you as they do not know how to handle themselves in certain situations.

By confronting them and making them feel that they are good enough, will not be enough for someone that has gone through their entire lives feeling this way and you might think that they are getting better but they are not.

No matter how hard you try, they will always feel insecure unless they can work on what has made them this way in the first place and once you have tried to help and you cannot do anymore, you need to walk away before you become an emotionally cold person as the abuse being thrown your way is a blanket for them to feel better about themselves.

Know that you are good enough and strong enough to have done all that you can do.

Step 9 Invisible flaws

Think of your flaws as invisible to others because they are! Nobody but you knows about your flaws and they do not care either. It is only you that can see the bad while those around you see the good.

Make your insecurity invisible to you too and the minute you step out of your home, put on the invisible suit and hide that flaw from yourself.

Concentrate on one good thing and put on an invisible suit to cover the flaws when you go out.

Only you know what the flaws are and by pushing them aside and concentrating on the one good thing that you have, then your day or night will be pleasant and you will look and appear confident, which will attract happy people that will make you forget about your flaws completely.

Overcome insecurities

Take a good look in the mirror and look for something that is beautiful. Everyone has an asset so find yours and accentuate it.

Find a talent or something that you love to do and perfect that in order to become the best at it.

Surround yourself with positive and happy people that make you feel good about yourself.

Build up your confidence by taking a course or being with people that can give you a boost.

When going out, put on an invisible suit to hide the flaws that only you know are there.

Avoid people that bring you down and make you feel insecure.

Overcoming insecurities

Being insecure is a normal and human condition that everyone has faced at some stage in their lives.

How to overcome insecurities is not an easy or quick task but it can be done and with time, you will become secure in your own self, relationships and surroundings.

Smile and the World will Smile with you

Be yourself, love yourself and others will do the same
Be yourself, love yourself and others will do the same

Say Hello to a Confident New You!

Once you have established what it is that makes you feel insecure you can then change it by working on what it is that you need to do to feel good about yourself.

Working in the emotional side to make you feel confident is easy because you have to learn to believe that you are worth it and that you can make a difference in the world. We all have a beauty within ourselves and once you can let yourself know each day that you are good, great and fantastic on the inside you can then work on the outside.

Outside appearances and feeling good is hard work because you need to make an effort and that can be time consuming but just doing your hair nicely or changing an outfit will make the world of difference to you and you will be able to look in the mirror and love yourself in no time.

Once you can love yourself you will be able to look up in the streets with confidence, walking tall and knowing that you are wonderful and you look good.

Confidence is about believing in yourself and if you love you then the world will too!


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    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      So very true! Unless you love yourself, you can love nobody else.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image


      4 years ago from USA

      You're right that most of us are very good at something -- we just need to discover what that is, hone it, own it, and show it off. We cannot be everything to everyone, but we can be the best version of ourselves.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you! Yes we all have insecurities of some kind, even the most confident people do! It is such a waste of time being insecure as life is there to be enjoyed and wasting energy on insecurities takes away some of the time that you could be spending enjoying yourself!

    • GreenPrince profile image

      Prince Edike 

      4 years ago from Philippines

      A must read hub for everyone. I believe we all are insecure in one way or the other.

      Thanks for the exposition and the necessary steps offered to manage this very weakness that has plagued the world today.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      thank you!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      4 years ago from The Caribbean

      Great useful tips on overcoming insecurity. We can help build each other's confidence by practicing the golden rule. Thank you for your wise counsel.


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