I AM Enough
I am one of those people that keeps a journal. I may not do daily journal entries or even weekly journal entries, but I try to journal about my life as often as I possibly can. I started journaling because so many people suggested it as a healing practice, but I will admit that the main reason I started it was so that one day when I'm gone, my children could read it and see my life from my perspective.
After a few years of journaling I was amazed to witness how much our minds have a habit of distorting memories. When we reminisce about our past we have a tendency to remember things better than they where, or a lot worse then they really where, but never as things really happened. Another thing that I noticed was how writing thoughts down can give you those deep answers to meaningful questions, or simply just give you clarity to things that you never even thought where issues to begin with.
Every once in a while whenever I find the time I will flip back through the pages and read a little bit here and there. I'm surprised at how often I find myself saying "oh ya, I almost forgot about that!" Then there are moment when I sit in awe as if I am reading an entry from someone else's life.
Two months ago I felt the need to sit down and write a journal entry. I had been helping someone in need who lived an hour away. On my way home my car began making some pretty expensive noises ( after you have driven for a while you know which ones are expensive). My mechanic was on the way, so I decided to stop in and have it checked out. I was informed that after many years of service my little red Honda had to be laid to rest because the motor was blown. We were now down to one car. A new car was not foreseen anywhere in the near future and I was not happy!
I began having some pretty strong feelings about this. With every passing day I became more and more upset that I did not have my own car. After a few days I started to question why I was so upset about this. I started to view this as a bit irrational on my part, after all, I was not without a car to drive, I just didn't have my own car to drive.
As I began to put my feelings of anger and frustration into words, I began to see a pattern emerge. A few years back I had experienced this exact same dilemma. History was repeating itself, and the same feelings had surfaced once again. Another scenario that kept repeating itself was my job situation as well as my daughter and granddaughter drifting in and out of my life.
There is a quote that says; "Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. As I re-read back through my journal I began to realize that the life lesson that I had failed to grasp the first two times were now being shown to me once more. The lesson which I had missed or simply ignored was about self-love and self-acceptance.
I started to realize that through out my entire life I had given myself titles and labels, and that was how I had defined myself. I was a career woman, I was a mother and a grandmother. I had been defined by the house that I resided in and the vehicle that I drove. As I stared down at the words put to paper I realized that I did not have a current label or anything to define me. Could this be the root of my anger and why I felt no self worth?
My children had grown. I was no longer a "mother". I had retired from my career of twenty five years, so I could no longer label myself a "career woman". My daughter and granddaughter had recently moved away, so my value as a "grandmother/ caretaker" had been taken away. Because of serious health issues, I had lost the house that I had once called home and now I was also stripped of my car. The only thing left was "me", But who was me?
I had labeled myself for so long, that when I looked in the mirror I had no value, because I had no labels. I was no longer valued because of the job I performed or the income that I made. I was no longer defined by the car that I drove or the house that I lived in. I realized that I had to get to a space in my life where "I" was enough.
So how does one get to a space in life where presence is enough. A place where neither what you own, nor monetary funds can define you. A place where YOU are the most valuable thing there is without having to add anything to complete the puzzle, because it's already complete enough.
The first thing I did was to ask myself what I wanted from life? I wanted to be happy, I wanted to except myself just as I was, I wanted to be loved and to show love, but most of all I wanted nothing to define me. I wanted my presence to be enough!
I found that while trying to accomplish this feat, words are of the utmost importance! Telling yourself that you want something, I soon learned, did not make it so. We have to retrain the brain to learn a new language, because the old one is being ignored and has grown old and stagnant. I began playing around with words until the perfect words emerged. The words that made all the difference were "I AM"
As we mature in life and begin to give ourselves labels, we become less and less worthy, and we allow the labels to define us. It took me a while to realize that I did not "want" to be happy, I wanted to "feel worthy" of happiness without worldly possessions.
The words needed to be spoken where: I AM worthy enough of happiness! I AM worthy enough of being loved and others are worthy enough of receiving my love. I AM worthy enough of not letting anything define me! Then suddenly in the blink of an eye everything changed and life became beautiful again, because ...I AM ENOUGH!!