I Am So Afraid of Dying
I call this place home it is Nankoweap
My goodness the sky is blue!
Let us just ride with me on my paddle boat for a few. Let me just ship the oars and let the water take us where it will. We are on the mighty Colorado in a slow moving current riding through the Grand Canyon. Alright truth be told it is not my boat. One of the most famous river runners of all time is really at the helm but he let me sit in "the drivers seat" for a bit so I can feel like a big man. Daniel Dierker built this boat with his skilled wood worker's hands. Hear tell the danged thing "retails" for half a hundred grand. We call it a river ''Dory". It is seemless. Isn't that a cool word I made up. It does not displace the water, it is all wood and pegs built by a craftman's love without the intrusion of nails. Ya just want to walk up to it and thump with your knuckles. This one is sky blue and bears the name I gave it - Blew. I got to admit that I put Daniel on a pedestal like one of those Greek Gods in a Pantheon. He is my oldest brother and he cracks a whip like a mule driver on steroids.He never ever let me be second best. That son bitch made me strive because there was no other option. We are Dierkers by golly damn and we better act like it or die trying.
Once again I fool/full you my beloved reader. Life is worth living and there are great people in the world that help you live it. Oh sure they be damned and are going straight to hell in a hand basket but they did one heck of a job going there. Daniel Dierker is one such man. Well screw convention and what people may say. Daniel raised me up. I love the man with every fiber of my being. He is a stoned cold prick, gruffier than hell's bells and awesome. Me I missed the boat as it sailed. I lead my life forgetting to grab that great brass ring in the merry-go-round we call life. I let Dan down.
Back to our boat on the river we will call life.
Have you ever been in prison?
Ya oughta go there some time. One time I was in a "jail" in Paris, France for throwing Maltoff cocktails at a Chistian Caltholic Church that supported Franco in Spain. OK I admit I was jacked up on Nixon and a guy named KIissinger who taught one day a week at the American College in Paris. Schlesinger was his erstwhile sidekick and taught us to hate fascists and communists. What the heck?
True love needs stupidity of youth. We cannot get there without living first. Damn if I did not live stupid. Now Brian is stupid. That dognosed dogface is blessed. A man that stands taller with his gentle hand than his great 12 foot body. Alright he is only like 6'6" and a miraculous love in the flesh. Brian Dierker is larger than life. You have seen him in movies. He is the worlds most celebrated river runner in the world. We don't need another hero, but if we did it would be Brian Dierker. I just can't stand the thought about my body giving up and so I cannot call him and have him Brian berate me and chastise me.What a horrible thing it would be if he could no longer place his hand on my shoulder and tell me to try harder even in my old age.
I do not know love yet. I am weak of the flesh. But let that not be the end of my story.
Love means making it through the night with daddy
So a tale of two brothers
What do you do? I just kicked a rock. It busted open. It is a dirty gross road down the quarry that I hike. Homeless ply this road. And they are dirty and gross. But the rock split open and revealed a fern impression fossil inside it. Am I worthy of such miracles? Brian is and Daniel is. But I am not.
Cry as I might it don't change the miracle of life. Those brothers of mine are ugly brothers. And that is a miracle. By golly jingles I love them so much. I hate 'em but I love them.
Let us get back on our "ship".
You don't know about lonely
I do. I have lived a life alone. What the hell was I thinking. Do not go there.It is brutal alone. I have not shown you or my brothers the love I have for them. I am a dog spanked moron. Do not go down this road of hell. Hug 'em. Tell them that you love them and they are the most important person for right now.
I am afraid to die alone.
Let me tell you about my wife. She is so imbecilic she loves me to death. Hey she is back on that Blew boat with me. Boy howdy she looks fine under her umbrella as she thinks the sun is the devil and is white like snow. She is just a part of me. Brian and my sons smile as they take in the world. Brooks is thirty and the finest model on God's green earth, Gabriel is a babe of almost 6. I don't deserve such boys or wife. Amen.
So she is an angel. Oh lordy knows I have fallen. And yet she picks me up. Not like a drunken fool. Like a sister who says I love you.
I have these bad days with cancer. It is like a robber in the night that steals your well being instead of you wallet. Right now is a bad day. I feel like doggy poop if you know what I mean. But you know what, in a few hours my honey baby darling snuggersnack will be here wit dat sunna shining in her lova hubba for me. We will hold hands and cry together. We will make dinner and sugga shake like the finest honeydew melon on steroids. Yes indeedy daddy I will shake and bake my booty! I don't love her enough I love her too much if you get my drift, I reckon I could just smother her with my love, but she got a strong kick and stroke and always rises to the service. Did I just thank God for her, or was I f'rgettin to give thanks for a living.
Oh no you ain't outta da woods yet let me tell ya bout my boys.
There is a song, I do not have a right/write to sing. I was once going about 110 miles and hour through a little town called Texarkana. A baddass Malibu with a 440 burning wheels like rubber in an incinerator. The only way the flatfoot pigfaced cops got me was a trap with three of them. Jerks. I remember telling them "Ociffer pig sir I was only going 100" It was the old days, and when I swept kicked the young one and took his gun things got respectful. So I spent a week in jail. They kicked me out because I hounded them with the gospel. And that brings me to my two sons. Remember we are on the Blew together. A boat built by one brother and capained by the other. Are my sons my brothers? Yes in a way they are.
Gabriel is about 6 years old. Brooks is about 90 going on 30. They do not fulfill me because I will not put that crap on them. They are windows through which I view the world. I no longer own my perspective, they do but don't tell them. Innocence and wisdom, love and anger. They feel for me for I can no longer rage. I am not a good man but I am manifest well by my sons. Oh hell, they ask me what it was like with a camera instead of gun in the Congo. I remind them that they are love made whole by their mothers and cracking a man's neck with your bare hands sucks. No life deserves to die. I hate myself for being a bad dad because of my past. But I cannot change that.
Brooks and Gabriel are two of the most handsome young bucks you could meet. Their different momma's are beautiful. I was handsome before Frank Donald's little brother took a rock to my face in kindergarten. Brooks can speak all Latin on you, he taught himself piano and all kinds of harps. He writes lyrics that melt a soul. That punk makes me cry. Gabriel beat me at chess Friday. Little punk can do a dojo proud and yet touches his mom with hugs and kisses that can make asphalt gooyey.
So we are on the boat. Blew. Son of a gun gonna have some fun on the bayou.
Let me wrap this total rambling crap up
I think you are now with me on old Blew. You drop an oar and it comes up green with moss. The air is 100 degrees but the water is 49. We just love each other and watch God create wonder.
That takes us right back to our title. I ain't afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving. The whorey bitch of hells bells got it's fingers on me. I don't buy that crap for a second. But these bad days make me think twice. By golly bo jingles I don't love the sun like I oughta. I will right now go out and try to love my day,. OK baby Messico is down that way and the sun burns bright. Back to my Blew. There is 4 billion years of rock above us.Did I tell you I did Vietnam? Not like the men who never came back from copperhead road. I was put in prison therte..Because I was a deviant there. My wife does not know about it so shut up I love freedom and think Jesus really walked the earth. My son's not so much.
I am sorry for this ramble. Kind of fun though. You and me are broken. That is good. Let us be broken together. I have spoken. I am dying. And I will not go quiet. Amen!