- Diet & Weight Loss
I Don't Know How to Be a Skinny Chick
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I noticed something different. I was fit and slim. Not in the anorexic type of way, but more of finally seeing the end result of losing 90lbs in a battle to be a new me. I saw a girl looking back at me who finally was what I always wanted.
And you would think that would make me feel happy, amazing, and ready to take on the world because I’m so excited by the prospect of finally being a slimmer me. And to a certain point it did, but it's also scary. Horrifying, even, because of one thing.
I don’t know how to be a skinny girl.
And that sounds kinda weird to say. How is one a “fit” girl versus a “fat” chick? You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. Since elementary school, I have been the big girl; the tall girl. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, and the fat family member.
And that’s not to say it was a bad thing, I just got used to it. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into teenage clothing. I would walk past all of the popular stores in the mall and head to a Macy’s or JC Penny’s to piece together an outfit. I accepted the fact that I could not wear a bikini. I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get hit on; that I was just too fat for love. That’s just how it was.
The Fat Girl
My personality developed around this. This was who I was and the standards I had always lived by. I learned to use sarcasm and wit to gain people’s affection, making them laugh. I believed that the only way for a fat chick to be accepted in society was her ability to have a great personality. I just always believed that to be fat was to not have friends; that I had to compensate for my lack of attraction. I learned to listen. I slowly stopped trying to be the outgoing one. I learned to just be there and listen. I turned into the girl who would always be there for everyone; because it felt great to be needed. I had this stupid idea that, that was all I was good for; listening and comforting. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let irritation and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be. I learned to dislike them for their popularity; for their ability to rock the latest fashion, and for the string of boys forever at their fingertips.
I don't fear being thin. I fear that I won't know that I'm thin. I'm at my lowest weight I've been since high school and I struggle with seeing it on some days. I'm afraid that when I hit my goal I won't feel as thin as I will look. I think my mental journey is going to take a lot longer than my physical journey.
But now I am one of them
But know I am at the point of nearly being one of them, and I don’t know how. I find I don’t know how to shop for my body anymore, because it’s so different. I still pick up cloths that are too big for me, not realizing until I try them on. The prospect of tight fitting clothing is horrifying to me. Will I be judged? Is this too tight? I may be thinner, but I still feel like that fat chick. I don’t need to shop for shirts that don’t show my stomach. I don’t have to shy away from tank tops and shorts. But that isn’t how I’m used to dressing my body, so it’s all completely foreign and strange. How much can I show off? Will I ever feel comfortable wearing a bikini? Will I be judged for wearing shorts that go higher than my knees? Does this make me look slutty? I am so judgmental. There is more challenged to losing weight than just the weight. To me, it is like having a sex change. New rules, clothing, attitudes, and the different way people treat you.
Society Teaches Us all the Wrong Things
I may be overthinking things, but it’s true to me. I am learning about a whole new me. While the prettier and more confident girls learned how to flirt with boys while in middle/high school, I am really just learning. For the first time, I had someone ask me out….. And I stood there like an idiot. Thinking to myself; why me? What do I do? But I’m so ugly… But, now we have been dating for over a year. And I am learning to view myself in a different light. When he calls me beautiful, I am starting to believe him. When he tells me that I am the perfect size, I accept it.
I was a stupid kid growing up. Society thought that being big was bad. That fat people are gross. Like we were some foreign thing not meant for love or a normal life. I resent this. I resent that we as a society are thought this. I see many big girls that have boyfriends and loads of friends, because they learned to accept who they were. I never did. I lived in a bubble where I thought I was not good enough for it. I know different now. I just wish I never let my size hold me back.
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