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I Don't Know How to Be a Skinny Chick

Updated on December 15, 2013
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I'm Slimmer

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I noticed something different. I was fit and slim. Not in the anorexic type of way, but more of finally seeing the end result of losing 90lbs in a battle to be a new me. I saw a girl looking back at me who finally was what I always wanted.

And you would think that would make me feel happy, amazing, and ready to take on the world because I’m so excited by the prospect of finally being a slimmer me. And to a certain point it did, but it's also scary. Horrifying, even, because of one thing.

I don’t know how to be a skinny girl.

The Mentality

And that sounds kinda weird to say. How is one a “fit” girl versus a “fat” chick? You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. Since elementary school, I have been the big girl; the tall girl. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, and the fat family member.

And that’s not to say it was a bad thing, I just got used to it. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into teenage clothing. I would walk past all of the popular stores in the mall and head to a Macy’s or JC Penny’s to piece together an outfit. I accepted the fact that I could not wear a bikini. I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get hit on; that I was just too fat for love. That’s just how it was.

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The Fat Girl

My personality developed around this. This was who I was and the standards I had always lived by. I learned to use sarcasm and wit to gain people’s affection, making them laugh. I believed that the only way for a fat chick to be accepted in society was her ability to have a great personality. I just always believed that to be fat was to not have friends; that I had to compensate for my lack of attraction. I learned to listen. I slowly stopped trying to be the outgoing one. I learned to just be there and listen. I turned into the girl who would always be there for everyone; because it felt great to be needed. I had this stupid idea that, that was all I was good for; listening and comforting. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let irritation and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be. I learned to dislike them for their popularity; for their ability to rock the latest fashion, and for the string of boys forever at their fingertips.

I don't fear being thin. I fear that I won't know that I'm thin. I'm at my lowest weight I've been since high school and I struggle with seeing it on some days. I'm afraid that when I hit my goal I won't feel as thin as I will look. I think my mental journey is going to take a lot longer than my physical journey.

~Kathuggs

But now I am one of them

But know I am at the point of nearly being one of them, and I don’t know how. I find I don’t know how to shop for my body anymore, because it’s so different. I still pick up cloths that are too big for me, not realizing until I try them on. The prospect of tight fitting clothing is horrifying to me. Will I be judged? Is this too tight? I may be thinner, but I still feel like that fat chick. I don’t need to shop for shirts that don’t show my stomach. I don’t have to shy away from tank tops and shorts. But that isn’t how I’m used to dressing my body, so it’s all completely foreign and strange. How much can I show off? Will I ever feel comfortable wearing a bikini? Will I be judged for wearing shorts that go higher than my knees? Does this make me look slutty? I am so judgmental. There is more challenged to losing weight than just the weight. To me, it is like having a sex change. New rules, clothing, attitudes, and the different way people treat you.

Society Teaches Us all the Wrong Things

I may be overthinking things, but it’s true to me. I am learning about a whole new me. While the prettier and more confident girls learned how to flirt with boys while in middle/high school, I am really just learning. For the first time, I had someone ask me out….. And I stood there like an idiot. Thinking to myself; why me? What do I do? But I’m so ugly… But, now we have been dating for over a year. And I am learning to view myself in a different light. When he calls me beautiful, I am starting to believe him. When he tells me that I am the perfect size, I accept it.

I was a stupid kid growing up. Society thought that being big was bad. That fat people are gross. Like we were some foreign thing not meant for love or a normal life. I resent this. I resent that we as a society are thought this. I see many big girls that have boyfriends and loads of friends, because they learned to accept who they were. I never did. I lived in a bubble where I thought I was not good enough for it. I know different now. I just wish I never let my size hold me back.

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    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Anna,

      Well-written. Voted up and away. Your subject is a sensitive area these days and I admire you for having the courage to present your view. I cordially invite you to read two of my hubs and then be one of my followers.

      I would love that.

      Best of Life to you.

      Sincerely,

      Kenneth/ from northwest Alabama

    • EcoAsh profile image

      EcoAsh 

      5 years ago from Hemet

      Its all about self confidence. I was big my whole life and very self conscience about my body. When I finally lost the weight, I was still uncomfortable wearing clothes that show more skin. I never learned how to flirt and I dont like attention drawn to me. I had to have my friends help me get guys when we would go out. I do have a great personality and guys like that, but Im very shy still when it comes to picking up men. People always told me I was pretty and beautiful but I am very uncomfortable with compliments, so even though I am skinnier now I don't have a huge ego and I think that guys like that better anyways.

    • WriterJanis profile image

      Janis 

      5 years ago from California

      I think it all has to do with one's attitude. When growing up, I had two overweight friends. One shied away from guys. The other had the attitude that some guys like girls with some meat on their bodies. Guess which one got all the guys?

    • annajazz profile imageAUTHOR

      Anna Marie 

      5 years ago from New Mexico

      Thank You :)

      I am learning step by step. I have dropped a bunch of "friends" because they suddenly want to hangout more for not much other reason that I seem to fit into to their image now.

      I have made many new friends that are there for me now. It's awesome :)

      Thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on your transformation as well and keepin' up with it for over 10yrs.

      -annajazz

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 

      5 years ago from New Jersey

      I have back issues and wore body casts and braces until I was about 16, and have been heavy several times in my life. Now I've been thin for at least 10 yrs. You really have to get used to your body again. At first I think everyone keeps buying big clothes, because you are used to it. But the first time you choose and like an outfit that fits you correctly and you like it, you will begin to develop a style of your own. Many people change their hairstyle or color, but you don't need dramatic changes. You should be really proud of yourself. And don't bother with the people who couldn't be bothered with you when you were heavy!

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