I Don't Know How to Be a Skinny Chick
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I noticed something different. I was fit and slim. Not in the anorexic type of way, but more of finally seeing the end result of losing 90lbs in a battle to be a new me. I saw a girl looking back at me who finally was what I always wanted.
And you would think that would make me feel happy, amazing, and ready to take on the world because I’m so excited by the prospect of finally being a slimmer me. And to a certain point it did, but it's also scary. Horrifying, even, because of one thing.
I don’t know how to be a skinny girl.
And that sounds kinda weird to say. How is one a “fit” girl versus a “fat” chick? You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. Since elementary school, I have been the big girl; the tall girl. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, and the fat family member.
And that’s not to say it was a bad thing, I just got used to it. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into teenage clothing. I would walk past all of the popular stores in the mall and head to a Macy’s or JC Penny’s to piece together an outfit. I accepted the fact that I could not wear a bikini. I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get hit on; that I was just too fat for love. That’s just how it was.
The Fat Girl
My personality developed around this. This was who I was and the standards I had always lived by. I learned to use sarcasm and wit to gain people’s affection, making them laugh. I believed that the only way for a fat chick to be accepted in society was her ability to have a great personality. I just always believed that to be fat was to not have friends; that I had to compensate for my lack of attraction. I learned to listen. I slowly stopped trying to be the outgoing one. I learned to just be there and listen. I turned into the girl who would always be there for everyone; because it felt great to be needed. I had this stupid idea that, that was all I was good for; listening and comforting. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let irritation and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be. I learned to dislike them for their popularity; for their ability to rock the latest fashion, and for the string of boys forever at their fingertips.
I don't fear being thin. I fear that I won't know that I'm thin. I'm at my lowest weight I've been since high school and I struggle with seeing it on some days. I'm afraid that when I hit my goal I won't feel as thin as I will look. I think my mental journey is going to take a lot longer than my physical journey.
But now I am one of them
But know I am at the point of nearly being one of them, and I don’t know how. I find I don’t know how to shop for my body anymore, because it’s so different. I still pick up cloths that are too big for me, not realizing until I try them on. The prospect of tight fitting clothing is horrifying to me. Will I be judged? Is this too tight? I may be thinner, but I still feel like that fat chick. I don’t need to shop for shirts that don’t show my stomach. I don’t have to shy away from tank tops and shorts. But that isn’t how I’m used to dressing my body, so it’s all completely foreign and strange. How much can I show off? Will I ever feel comfortable wearing a bikini? Will I be judged for wearing shorts that go higher than my knees? Does this make me look slutty? I am so judgmental. There is more challenged to losing weight than just the weight. To me, it is like having a sex change. New rules, clothing, attitudes, and the different way people treat you.
Society Teaches Us all the Wrong Things
I may be overthinking things, but it’s true to me. I am learning about a whole new me. While the prettier and more confident girls learned how to flirt with boys while in middle/high school, I am really just learning. For the first time, I had someone ask me out….. And I stood there like an idiot. Thinking to myself; why me? What do I do? But I’m so ugly… But, now we have been dating for over a year. And I am learning to view myself in a different light. When he calls me beautiful, I am starting to believe him. When he tells me that I am the perfect size, I accept it.
I was a stupid kid growing up. Society thought that being big was bad. That fat people are gross. Like we were some foreign thing not meant for love or a normal life. I resent this. I resent that we as a society are thought this. I see many big girls that have boyfriends and loads of friends, because they learned to accept who they were. I never did. I lived in a bubble where I thought I was not good enough for it. I know different now. I just wish I never let my size hold me back.
- Emotional Consequences of Weight Loss - Weight Loss Journey - Marie Claire
After years of struggling with the scale, one woman finally hit her healthy goal weight. So why didn't she feel like celebrating?
- Weight Watchers Community View Blog Post
One of the most surprising aspects of my weight loss journey is how long it has taken me to psychologically adjust to the idea of being at a