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I Don’t Think The World Is Ready For Me On 8 Hours Of Sleep!

Updated on February 17, 2010


I didn’t purposely try to make this happen but now that it has I don’t know what to do with myself. I sleep on average anywhere from 5 ½ hours to 6 hours a night, with the rare 7 hour night’s sleep making an appearance so you can imagine my surprise when I actually slept 8 hours last night. As I bounded from bed to shower to car to work I could tell that what was about to befall the world was something that I’m not sure they or myself were equipped to handle. I don’t think the world is ready for me on 8 hours of sleep! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’ve read all the reports about how important a good night’s sleep is for us. From losing weight to not losing our minds apparently the body needs some down time and unless we give it to it, it rebels against us in every way imaginable. Be that as it may, I still have never been able to sleep longer than six hours on the whole. I went to a sleep clinic once where they hook you up to so many strings that you feel like Pinocchio, “All I want to be is a real boy!” When I awoke after my customary six hours they made me sign a form stating that they didn’t wake me up. So after a night hooked up like an alien on life support in some top secret lab, the diagnosis (which came approximately $1500 later) was that I needed to get more sleep each night. Gee fellas, thanks.

I’ve said it before, I have one of those minds that doesn’t shut off. Even while I’m sleeping I’m troubleshooting the day ahead of me and the one that just passed. I’m making lists of things I want to do, need to do and probably shouldn’t do.  It got so bad that I would be on the elliptical machine at the gym in the morning and I would find myself actually closing my eyes and nodding off. Don’t ask me how I was doing it, I was still pedaling away and my arms moving to and fro and yet I could feel myself falling asleep. The doctor diagnosed it as me not getting enough “restful” sleep due to my over-active (a polite way of saying crazy) mind. So I began the medication mambo, one night a little Ambien, one night a Xanax, one night something homeopathic and another not something just homosexual. I don’t know, for three years I was back and forth with things that put me to sleep but didn’t keep me asleep, things that made me too sleepy during the day, shit, I felt like the God Damned Goldilocks for sleeping pills yet never finding something that was “just right.” So two weeks ago I decided that enough was enough and I got off of everything. I was surprised how much of a habit it had become to go to the medicine cabinet before I went off to bed each night. And while the first week was more than a little tough I was determined to get off the junk before having to sign up for Nobody Rehab (a rehab show for the non-famous folk). Lo and behold, last night I got the golden grail. I actually slept that 8 hours that you read about in medical journals.

Here I was, convinced I would spend the rest of my life being one of those old people who never sleep (mostly because they’re afraid if they go to sleep they won’t ever wake up). No longer will I be destined to be the 2am – 6am greeter at Wal-Mart. Could it be that I might just possibly be normal? Could it be that I really was a real boy? And what will the world do now that I’m not yelling in my car with the windows rolled up, that I no longer need four shots of coffee for someone to talk to me or that I no longer have a punch card at the pharmacy trying to get enough medications punched so that I can get one free? It may not last longer than this day but I’m frightened for all of us because the way I feel right now, life is good, clear and dare I say it? I’M HAPPY! No good can come from this. I don’t think the world is ready for me on 8 hours of sleep! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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