We miss nana -- the death and loss of a grandmother, through the eye's of a child.
Tonight, I overheard my children talking to their cousins about their pain upon finding out their grandmother was now in Heaven.
Grief, does it ever really end?
Tonight, my ten and eight year old children were outside playing with their cousins (ages seven and nine). I saw them sitting and talking on the porch and decided to listen in.
I overheard my son say "I thought we would never stop crying". His sister and cousins agreed. "When we found out Nana died, we didn't know how it would ever be ok again." My daughter said, "I didn't know how I would stop crying, and I don't think our friends understood how sad we are because nana died."
They then went on to discuss how sad it was to see my sisters and I cry, and cry, and cry. But they didn't say it with worry, they said it with concern. Their words were genuine and compassionate.
As heart wrenching as it was to hear them discuss their loss and anguish, it was a privlege to overhear their discussion and honesty with each other.
I must admit, in the almost six months since my mom died, there have been days I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I do it, out of duty, and also out of love for my own children.
My mom grieved the death of her own mother when I was just five years old. I remember thinking that my mom would never stop crying, and that our lives would never be the same again.
Yet, I don't remember my mom outwardly grieving after the funeral was over.
I have learned that her generation kept so much to themselves. I am sure my mom cried in the car, the shower, and other occasion she had time alone.
Sadly, that is the one thing I wish I could have talked with her about. I wish I would have said "mom, how did you get over losing your mama"?
I asked her about every other life topic. How did you know how many kids to have? How did you get through those difficult days in marriage that we all encounter? How did you survive your children growing up and sometimes breaking your heart? How did you love us on the days we didn't deserve your love and support?
But never did I ask her about how she coped with the loss of her own mother.
My mom would often tell me that our generation was so much further ahead than her own, because we talked everything through with our children and each other.
If she was here today I would say, "yes mom, we do talk everything through, but what do I say to my kids when they talk about how much they miss you and hate that your gone, when I can't stand it myself?"
Even though my mom didn't talk about grieving her mom, there were times she would say she still missed her "mama". Her mom died 40 years ago. My mom lived 40 years after her mother died.
On her 80th birthday March 6th, my mom had a birthday card in her purse that her mother had given her. My mom was anticipating a reunion with her mother....after all of those years, she still longed to talk with her and be with her again.
The one thing that I know kept my mom going was her Christian faith. She lived her life to please others and not herself, she loved and loved and loved other people.
So today, I miss her as much as ever, but I will remember that my hope is in God and because of his Son, I will see my mom again!
John 3:16 - For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten son, whoever believes in Him shall not die but have eternal life!
God, give my mom a hug for us -- tell her I will see her again, soon!