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I have no control really over my life

Updated on February 8, 2011

...........and I hate it

It is a horrible thing when you look at yourself in the mirror and you see that you aren't acting like or looking like yourself, as you see yourself at least. I had one of those moments today, after I kinda feel like rock bottom was hit last night of life.It has made me realize that I am so emotionally drained by not being able to find a full time job and being broke or near broke all the time that I am not sure my mind and body can take much more. Relax to those that don't know me personally, I am not gonna do anything stupid. Maybe this is my manifesto to trying to think things out, or at least a valiant try at it.

When I had a job, I was always someone that tried to take pride in how she looked, what she wore, and trying to be the happiest person I could be. I tried to always think postively and tried to be a help to people that were around me. I think in the fact that I don't have much control on my life, that I am kinda at the point of what is the use? Yes, maybe I am a little blue or depressed, it could be, and who could blame me for being that way? I don't have the money to go to a doctor or dentist without prepayment or trying to find free services, i cut my own hair, I can't always dye it (I started to gray when I was like 13), I have to go with the makeup and perfume stock that I have (scraping the bottom), I have to wear clothes that are big or even huge on me...I have had to give up on things I loved doing because I couldn't afford it. I won't name off all those because right now I feel like I am whining, I hate to feel like i am doing that.

I put in applications and I pray and when I can call, I do to ask what is up, but I know in Virginia, where I am, that 60,000 people are on unemployment, that isn't counting the ones that are still looking, but didn't file or have no more benefits. I do my best when I get the few interviews I do happen to get, yes looking my best with what I have to chose from. I go to my part-time job when I have the hours, work my butt off and pray that gets me more hours or they threw me a few more on that day. When I don't work, I sit at home, trying to make myself useful when i am not looking for a job. And I have realized, what guy is gonna want an underemployed girl that looks as tired as she feels some days. They probably think I am one of those girls that just doesn't care and the sad things I do care. I can't make people hire me, I can't make guys want me, I can't go out and do what I want to do a lot of times. My nights are normally me sitting at home, sitting at computer, or reading.

My question do I start to try to get my power back from this tired mess of a woman that has emerged? All I can do is keeping doing what I am doing in the job search, go back to school, and try to make myself look as good as possible on little to no money. I think the last thing is gonna be the hardest, after all, it always seems when you are the most broke, you always need the most money. People also always seem to talk to you about giving them money or odd life situations seem to happen, or maybe that is just me, lmao. Life has a way of bitting you in the butt like that.

Many days, i don't like being around myself, lol. I have come to see though, that I do have a few good friends out there that try though. I have also come to see that there are people that aren't. That goes back to what I have been told previously, life's hardest times make you see who your real friends are.

This situation has also made me see that I need to stop listening to the dreaded head voice and go back to listening to the lovely gut voice.


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