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I think I'm going to be drunk tommorow when I interview at Target

Updated on April 13, 2011

It's called planning.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go and interview for a job at Target. I have no idea what I'm actually going to do if I get hired, as I don't really remember what position I applied for. I think I'm going to just not go to sleep, keep downing these high gravity's and just show up as a stinking awful mess.

This is America, and I have the right to demand a job while intoxicated at a well known chain of soulless megastores. I didn't fight in WW2, at all, or so that I couldn't waltz into an interview three hours late in my jam-jams, reeking of Xema, Steel Reserve and Mr. Boston and belligerently rant about the youth of today. At my last job, as a Subway "Sandwhich Artist" I had to eat massive amounts of cold pills and mescaline just to stay interested in the excruciating minutiae that people want for the infinite combination's for their fucking giant hoagies. What the hell is wrong with this country where more than even one person a day actually stands in line to order a sandwich bigger than their head?

One time some guy asked me some question about what goes into the sweet onion sauce. "I don't care." I said as I casually filed my exquisite fingernails. "I hope someone rapes you on a helicopter." I, out of the corner of my glazed and red eye, saw him adopt a combat stance. Formlessly, like god damn water changing into ice, I kneed him in the heart with my boney knee caps of steel. I watched the life drain from his mustached face as I finished the italian, blt that had been ordered before the altercation and I said, "Was it worth it?" Then I flung a lit cigarette into a strategically placed bucket of jet fuel and calmly walked away from the ensuing explosion.

After being unfairly terminated by the heavily accented Chinese asshole owner, I applied for the Target job. I've been phoning the gas station he owns every hour on the hour with vague threats and asking to use him as a reference. I would very much like to face him in Mortal Combat. My style is called American Scissor Bird.

In conclusion I am a great employee.


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