ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Dealing with Emotional Pain - Sit, Admit, Accept

Updated on February 13, 2016
Source

I am discouraged. I am alone. This is good.

Looking for a crutch, I crack open my second beer. The news drones in the background reminding me that other people are in worse places. A plane has crashed. A child is missing. A whole family is lost in a tornado. And yet here, in my pajamas with my hair hanging in a sad and messy ponytail, I feel flattened.

When I can’t shake this blue funk, I start the usual questioning. What is at the core? It is my normal course of action. I get tired of the useless, unproductiveness of pain and I want what everyone wants - a quick fix. It doesn't usually happen. I've learned, quite by experience, a different approach.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

- Psalm 34:18

Sit

It is at this point of unproductively, self-pity, alcohol and Piano Variation in Blue that I do the opposite of fixing. I sit and realize not every problem is solvable right away. In fact, few are and what this requires is that I let myself feel. According to Ronald Alexander, PhD. (Psychology Today), "Buddhism teaches that as you sit with your pain and grief, simply noticing it as if you were sitting on a riverbank watching these heavy feelings float downstream, you’ll discover how to live, learn, and heal through it." I arrived at this teaching without ever studying it because one day I just got tired of fighting the blues I can be prone to on occasion.

The dilemma of handling pain, says Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D (Psychology Today) " is so common that the Buddhists long ago reduced it to a formula: Pain x Resistance = Suffering. Translation: Fighting against (or resisting) the reality of the pain in your life creates suffering." I realize that striving against what I feel is futile.

Sitting goes against the grain of many trite, yet common suggestions such as snap out of it, don't worry and my favorite, it's all in your head. This is the counsel of fools bred purely out of ignorance to normal conditions of humanity.

Tonight, I sit with my pain realizing it has purpose, knowing there isn't always an immediate solution and waiting to learn something through the process.

“In the end, these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you live?

How deeply did you let go?”

~Buddha

Admit

Often using thoughtful music, I touch that inner part of myself like pushing through the final stages of a race to break the finish line. Clarity is a process and a process rushed is just bent for failure. Oddly I find myself repeating, “I am not okay, I am not okay” even though I've lied to everyone else all day. I understand, I must stop lying to myself.

I take an honest look at any broken pieces in my life. I take stock - a good hard look at the list of possibilities. When something breaks, can it be healed in 3 months? When someone dies, can I not feel pain near the anniversary of a death? When something falls through, it is normal for me to feel discouragement? Death, breakups, moves, disappointments - these are all losses. Loss takes time no matter how good you think you feel.

"Everything that has broken you in one way or another has a hand in why you do what you do and your perception of things." says Nancy Suto, Professional Motivational Consultant (Poughkeepsie Journal) "Does your past lead you to do the same thing over and over, or does it move waves inside of you to do things differently? Be completely honest with yourself: What is old debris that needs to be cleared out? Acknowledge it, then figure out how to remove its toxins from your system so you move forward. Anything that keeps you stagnant needs to be re-examined."

Tonight, I admit my pain. I am honest with myself about the things in my life past and present that are hurting me and examine why I may be feeling as I do.

The Full Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Accept

Scenarios of this pain may replay over in your head, but all that ruminating and wishing can't change a thing. There is only one thing to do. Realize that pain can be uncontrollable. Cross over into acceptance.

When you’ve done everything you can possibly do (right or wrong, good or bad, thought out or not thought through) then you must accept where you are. Are you alone? Are you heartbroken? Are you confused? Are you going to be demoted? Are you sick? Are you discouraged? Or don’t you even know for sure? Acceptance is the first step in moving forward. I often say, "It is what it is" meaning you can't change everything - some things simply are. This is what Becker-Phelps calls, "Accepting your current reality."

Tonight, I accept my current reality. It may not be perfect and it may not always produce happiness, but with acceptance I take the first step toward feeling better.

When you feel pain, how do you deal with it?

See results

In Conclusion

By the end of the night, I have realized the unproductiveness of pain and sat with it to find its purpose. I have admitted that there are things in my life that have caused or are currently causing pain so I tell myself that truth. Finally, I accept my current reality knowing in doing so that I will be one step closer to feeling better.

I am done contemplating pain tonight and as Piano Variation in Blue from Finding Neverland dips in a staccato finale, I have found peace... for now.

Uploaded on Oct 23, 2007 By Jan A.P. Kaczmarek

Alexander, R. (2010, May 14). Recovering from Sorrow, Loss and Heartache. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. Retrieved August 27, 2014, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-wise-open-mind/201005/recovering-sorrow-loss-and-heartache

Becker-Phelps, L. (2013, October 14). Accept Your Pain; It Will Hurt Less. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. Retrieved August 27, 2014, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201310/accept-your-pain-it-will-hurt-less

Dear Nancy. (2014, August 3). Don't let past hurt keep love away. Don't let past hurt keep love away. Retrieved August 27, 2014, from http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/story/life/2014/08/03/let-past-hurt-keep-love-away/13031161/

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • carlajbehr profile imageAUTHOR

      Carla J Behr 

      3 years ago from NW PA

      Thank you for reading - I know the pain of loss. My mother has passed and I miss her daily.

    • profile image

      Iyke Chukz 

      3 years ago

      Going through pains because of the loss of my father few days back, I've found comfort in accepting the reality which brings me step closer towards feeling better.

      Thanks for the nourishment...

    • profile image

      captain 

      3 years ago

      This article gets to the heart of the matter...its where love resides

      ...good work

    • carlajbehr profile imageAUTHOR

      Carla J Behr 

      3 years ago from NW PA

      Thanks for the read, Teaches! We learn much as we get older and passing it on is one way to make sense of it.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      3 years ago

      Pain is a process that can help one to move forward. As you say, facing it will help you much more than turning and forgetting. Good post and advice.

    • carlajbehr profile imageAUTHOR

      Carla J Behr 

      3 years ago from NW PA

      Thank you, Ms Dora - I knew there was a reason I nominated you for a Hubble award. ; ) You're such an encourager.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      3 years ago from The Caribbean

      Very useful article, Carla. "Counsels of fools" are plenty. You give very practical advice. I could feel relief just reading it through. Thank you.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)