Impact of Emotional Reaction and Fallacies in Thinking
I had a distressful emotional response the very first time I went to jail. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and nauseous and very homesick. I felt like my whole world had come to an end, and I have never felt so stressed in my life. I felt a sensation inside like I just had to get free or I was going to die or lose my sanity. I was shaking and very discombobulated. My mind and heart were racing and I felt so many emotions at once I couldn’t discern one from the other.
Another time I felt like that was on my sentencing court date. I was sentenced to 9 months on drug court, and if I do not successfully complete drug court, I am facing two years in a state penitentiary. The only other time I felt that way was when my best friend, Dan, died. I think the commonality between the situations is a feeling of being powerless combined with the knowledge that the situation is in someone else’s control, and there is nothing I can do about it. The loss of control is probably one of my biggest and fears, and likely the reason my reactions were so severe. I also thing the common theme of uncertainty helped to fuel the emotional fire burning inside me, I am a person who likes to know the outcome before I ever start an endeavor.
The self-talk I incurred during this time frame was mostly full of regret and questioning. I was full of doubt and fear, and mostly ashamed of what I had done, and angry I had got caught. I questioned my actions and where I went wrong, I questioned the effects that the situation would have on my future and mostly I tore myself apart for being so foolish, naïve and just plain stupid.
There were many irrational fallacies present in my self-talk at the time, and I try very hard not to be an irrational thinker, I rely on being able to make logical, informed decisions and at the time this situation occurred, I was not thinking clearly. I felt not only helpless, but I was rethinking every move I had made and how I should have done things differently.
Going to jail was probably the one thing that revealed me at my most self-loathing point, and most assuredly the most ashamed I have ever been. I have learned not to be so hard on myself and I do my best to not overthink things and I actively try to remove myself from the equation and look at everything rationally and logically. If I continue to be devoid of emotions when assessing situations, I will be better at eliminating irrational fallacies in my thinking process.