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In My Rearview Mirror: Looking Back on the Anniversary of the Day that I had to Face the Consequences

Updated on November 12, 2008

As I stop and restart the moments of one year ago today in my mind, this being the last day that I would know freedom for 3 months. I remember the small things that I started to appreciate, like exactly how a favorite cheeseburger tastes, and it texture. I mean the fact that being able to savor and truly enjoy the moment. I remember taking the time to walk around the lake breathing the air and watching the ducks swimming around and how high the fountain streamed into the air. I walked through the gardens remember the smells and the hum of the bees. I think about how incredibly at peace I was just walking the dog and the feel of the breeze blowing off of the coast. I came to understand the bittersweetness of being riddled with anxiety, but finding the calm in even the most minor of tasks. The appreciation I found in the unknown. Not knowing when my time was coming, so I had better make the most of every second. It was like for the first time in a long time that my eyes were truly open; the sky never looked bluer, the grass never greener, and until that very day I never noticed the sweet smell in the air. I was truly alive...for the first time in a very, very long time.

It was an amazing time for me, I didn't want to face the inevitable, but I really wanted to step forward into the unknown. First of all just to get it over with, secondly just to come through the other side so I could say I made it. I knew what lay ahead of me was a challenge, not an obstacle.

A challenge is something you meet straight on, with focus and determination. You may conquer, you may not the first time. But you learn from it and eventually you stand above it.

An obstacle is a unmovable object that you have to crawl under, climb over, go around it, or push through it. But it does not budge in the slightest, leaving you exhausted and drained in to end.

But I came to believe that deep inside the human spirit is something, call it what you will, that in times before you must endure anything life altering you given moments of peace and appreciation. A chance to recharge, to feel good, to give you the quiet strength you need meet the challenge that lies ahead of you. So that when the time comes and you believe you can't take anymore of what life is handing you. Some how the strength and the feeling of at peace comes to you.

"The greatest and only enemy of darkness, is light."

"I saw the Light" by Todd Rundgren


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