It is "one of those days". Thoughts of helplessness and loneliness haunt me. I long to have a conversation with my love, my companion; my wife. I cannot because she died. I feel lost and lonely. I call people I love and feel no satisfaction. I talk to God and hear no answers. The tears come; drowning me in confusion.
It is days like these that I have to be "on guard". The stress level is so high that "getting high" seems it could be an answer. Drugs are a substance that was laid to the side sometime back. Why do my thoughts drift that way?
I left the other day to try to find my way. I felt on unfamiliar territory as I entered the establishment where Jonda and I would go have breakfast often. I felt a longing like no other as I watched couples mingling as I sat alone eating the eggs and ham that was put in front of me. Food tastes bland and the air is heavy. Two tears run down my cheek as the waitress asks if there is anything else. I want to say, " sit down and just talk with me" but instead I nod no and get up to pay the bill. eating
The confusion sets in again. I have managed to create my own hell and I am knee deep in the hot coals.
I feel a need for companionship, but I fear my heart being broke again. Does death haunt me? I think it does.
I am jealous of the people who have someone to love, someone to hug and someone to talk with. But jealousy is a sin and I should not be; but I am.
Some have told me to "get out" and "have fun", but where, with who? How?
I dearly want to tell all these problems to Jonda, she would have a common sense answer, but I cannot.; so I write them here.
Will it help? Will tomorrow come and will yesterday leave?
At this time I am a robot; I go to work, I watch my Grandson and I sleep-so on and so forth. My sanity is at an edge it has never been before. I would hate to think where I would be if I had no belief in God.
All I can do is hope. Hope and pray that I am doing it right. Hope and pray I can survive without a companion, without the love I have been so accustomed too, without the hugs and kisses and looks of adoration.
Please mighty God help me through.
I know many of you "worry" about me, please don't.
God will get me through. I just have to write at times to get it off. Writing is my drug of choice.
I will survive and if I don't I will be with my longtime companion, so I win either way.
Jonda, if you can hear or see this, just know you were my all-in-all, and I miss you dearly. I am lost without you and all the talks we had about being in this spot, well it's not how we thought. I am a lost puppy and I don't know where to go. I wish you could come home.
Well back to my prison cell now-It's lock-down.
© 2011 Greg Boudonck