ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

View Of Healing-Part 1 Denial

Updated on June 3, 2011


No two people are exactly the same. That is the beauty of being human. We celebrate differently, we grieve differently. There are similarities, though, that should be acknowledged. I plan on addressing each of the commonly known steps of grieving and show them as they applied to me personally. What I say here may apply to grieving over the loss of a loved one but I am writing from the point of view of one girl coming to terms with her assault. Women who have been raped have been shown to visit each of the emotions I will cover and no one can tell you that there is a specific frame of time per emotion. Everyone heals in different ways and in their own time.

Denial is always the first emotion. There is an initial shock that occurs making it difficult to process what has just occurred. It is impossible for me to say how long I was in shock. In my head, I kept repeating to myself 'But he said he wasn't going to do that. He promised'. Over and over and over until I snapped out of it my mind screamed 'He IS doing it!!!!' Then I cried. He finished, threw me my clothes and I numbly got dressed and went to the bathroom. I was nowhere near sure if I had what it took to report, or exactly what it was I was reporting, but I knew procedures said not to bathe or shower so I did not. I relieved myself, went on to my room, put my clothes in a bag and crawled into bed. Then I cried some more, quietly so not to wake my roommate. I spent the night wide awake, replaying the event a thousand times over trying to convince myself that I was not just raped. I was smarter than that. I was more careful. I was trained to recognize signs of an attacker, and signs of a victim. I knew the procedures for reporting an assault and what a victim must endure during the process. No way did I just become the victim.

The weekend passed exceptionally slow. No, I did not consent. Yes, I was in his room. No, I was not supposed to be there. Yes, he knew I was not willing. No, I did not scream. Yes, there probably was more I could have done to stop him. No, I did not because I was frozen stiff out of shock. Yes, he was strong and I feared him. No, I did not lock the door. Yes, it was common knowledge that I was waiting. No, I am not having next day regret. Yes, I told him no. No, he heard me but did not care. Yes, I kept the clothes. No, there were no witnesses, his roommate was passed out drunk. Yes, I should have known better than to myself in that position. No, that does not make it my fault. Yes, I should report. No, I can't, they will say that I am at fault, too and he will walk. Yes, I will be honest. No, it will not matter.

Monday came and I went to work looking a little worse for the wear. My boss asked if everything was okay. Momentarily I paused in the doorway. I wondered if it was that obvious. I could just tell her right now. I should. I can't. I do not know what will happen. I'm too scared. I'm not even sure if I can actually wrap my mind around the fact that I was just raped. My first time and it was not consensual. Can I deal with that? I do not want to know.

I don't tell her. That day I went home and showered. Ready or not hygiene had to be minded. Two days later I kept a date previously made in order to keep up appearances in case I did not report. I did not want somebody guessing the truth. Avoiding my friends I slipped out and pretended to have a good time. I failed. My date's friend was a cop and he drove me home when my date decided he wanted to go somewhere else and I made my excuses. He did not seem to mind which I was grateful for. I did not even process anything he had to say anyway. My mind was too far away. On the ride home he asked some general questions and left it up to me to make the move. He was very supportive.

The next day I went to work and let my boss know what happened. The word is still painful to say, I hate it, so I wrote it down and left it on her desk and waited. The response was immediate and her genuine concern broke me. I bawled like a baby and let her escort me to the police office. I wrote my statement as precisely as I could and prepared for the investigation. By the way, evidence can still be collected up to six days later from the body even after showering. The results are stronger when collected sooner but can still be collected.

It took me a week to get over the denial stage. Some people have experiences more violent than mine and they may end denial much sooner. Others may take years to acknowledge what happened. Neither one is better than the other. For those who suffer denial for an extended period of time, you must realize that their pain is still fresh to them, it is still real and too difficult to face as a result. Until one is ready to fully admit the circumstances surrounding their attack, there is nothing anyone can do for them except to be there. She, or he, needs you to be patient.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Mystique1957~You are sweet! Your concerns are not lost on me. Fortunately, these events happened some time ago but I'm only just now getting around to sharing my past pain in an effort to help others heal quicker than I did. By the way, the law of man convicted him! ;)

    • Mystique1957 profile image


      8 years ago from Caracas-Venezuela

      Geez, girl! I gulped down these lines as if you were my very own sister! I can´t say I know how you feel because I am a man and a very respectful one. It hurts because you are human and someone treated you like filth. Please do not worry. The law of man might not do anything, but life and divine laws will take care of him. Be sure of that. However, do not hate! Sorry asses like him do not deserve your precious tears. Save them for a happy moment!

      Warmest regards and blessings,


    • bonny2010 profile image

      bonetta hartig 

      8 years ago from outback queensland

      thanks for sharing and yes you should educated people on this sort of thing

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      I'm sorry. I hate that I had to feel my pain but I hated the ignorance of those around me for failing to understand that my reaction was not only normal, but just as normal as the intense reaction television portrays as normal. I do not agree that ignorance is bliss and I plan on educating people if I can.

    • WriteAngled profile image


      8 years ago from Abertawe, Cymru

      I feel your pain


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)