Into the Darkness, minus a light...
Life in and of itself is not always easy. Life, shared with being bipolar and tourretes, is a daily battle. Starting your day in a blur often leaves you struggling for the entire day to gain some sort of control of your own thoughts. Eyes wide open doesn't always mean you are focusing on any one thing. The mind that races at such a speed that not a single thought can be held on to is like living inside a tornado.
Even as I write, I strain to hold thoughts that will wenable me to finish. Strangely, it is far more often than perceived, the mind that suffers is a mind that should NOT have issues. I am a man that has been blessed more than any man deserves. I have known more love and joy and happiness in my life than I could have ever imagined. A life that has been filled with friends and family and lovers and Love to satisfy any man and yet...
Such is the life of bipolar and tourettes. I write today so that others may reflect and realize that they are not the only ones in the world that go through life smiling and laughing to cover the sorrows they carry. This disorder robs those inflicted of what should be a beautifully filled life. It leaves the inflicted filled with guilts they don't own, broken relationships they never wished to be broken and darkness that sweeps in and steals the happy and to replace it with sadness.
The need, want and desire to have their mind be their own is never ending. Who owns that mind? Who has the power to stop the racing and sit down to simply NOT think? Each day, I walk with fear of what might be or where I will find myself. What store, whose words will take me to that darkness, without warning and without light? The mind is not ones own but a prisoner to every sadness that others have. The need to be always helping someone is great and huge and too often, over-whelming.
Welcome to My world and the world of so many others. I respect and give kudo's to those that stay by our sides, even when most would turn and walk away. They are our safe place that gives us the chance to be as we are, without fear of ridicule or judgement. I think that those that love us are truly the ones that have it the hardest. The "minute" mood swings that leave us unable to do anything and going from smiles to tears without reason, make life with us a constant uphill walk. The unknowing of what they can expect from us when they simply touch our arm and smile seems to me, unfair.
Read these words and know in your heart that you are Not alone. So many share these exact feelings and know that simply getting out of bed is enough to send one into a depression that has no reason. Thus is the life of one who does NOT own their own mind. Blessed beyond deserving, yet always feeling as if something is missing. Welcome to my mind. Enter if you dare.