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Introspection Happens When a Death Visits

Updated on June 22, 2013
Death isn't an ugly thing.
Death isn't an ugly thing.

Earlier this month, one of my best friend’s husbands passed away. He was also a friend. We all have known each other for at least a decade. He had been sick for a long time, and basically he was tired, and it showed. He had fought a good hard fight because finally he had found the love of his life, the person who made everything make sense. I feel so honored and blessed to have been one to witness their relationship transition from being friends to something so much more than that. Their love showed me what my own marriage was missing, and even a couple of relationships that followed.

Their marriage was one that was very loving and healthy with all the good and bad that comes with that. When they disagreed, there was respect, and they fought fair. There wasn’t name calling, derogatory passive aggressive jibes thrown at each other. Past mistakes were not brought into the current disagreement. They talked openly, honestly, and calmly to each other. Both had been married before, and made mistakes in relationships, but they had learned from those mistakes, and it showed, and so they were very good life partners together.

The love they shared showed every time they looked at each other, every time they spoke to each other, and every time they spoke about the other to those around them.

My friend was a very good man, and each day demonstrated how much he loved my best friend. He showed with every gesture that he wanted her to know that not all men take, that not all men lie to get what they wanted from a woman, that there are still men out there that respect their partners, and the people around them.

Like my dad, my friend was taken too soon, because the Creator had also broken the mold with my friend, and needed him back to see if he could make another mold, so there would be more men like him someday.

I was blessed in another way as well. My friend had been in the hospital the week prior to his passing, and I had gone to see him. When I was leaving he grabbed my hand, and looked into my eyes and told me he loved me and that I was really a good friend to them, and that I was a good person. So when I got the call a week later when my best friend was leaving the hospital, I was shocked, but not surprised. A couple days later my best friend apologized for not calling me sooner when they were at the hospital, but things just seemed to come up to the point where she didn’t get a chance until she was leaving, and I was the first person she called. I really believe that the events happened as they did because I was to have the memory of him being alive and talking and himself, not as an empty body. I was hurt at first but as I thought about it, I’m glad things unfolded as they did, because the last memory is the one I will cherish the most, because in a way I feel he was saying good-bye.

The Introspection is more after a death.

It’s amazing how a death can make one become very introspective on an even deeper level, especially if there was already an inventory of self that was taking place. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been weeding out the users, the takers, and the emotional vampires, and I have found a peace that I’ve only dreamed of. Of course there have been a couple of hiccups along the way, but because of the gardening I’ve done on the outside, taking care of things on the inside are moving a lot smoother now. My friend’s death has made me appreciate the steps I’ve taken to be where I am, and to know that he was proud of the things I was doing and finally taking care of me. I’m not completely where I want to be, but I’m heading in the right direction. The things that happened wasn’t for me to put up walls so high as to keep people out, which is what was done for the last three and a half months, but for me to pay attention to my instincts and what they are trying to tell me, in both the good and bad situations. Because had I listened to them, a lot of the hurt and pain could have been avoided, so there it is, the reason, a lesson was learned. And that is never a bad thing.

Live Each Day as if it were your last

Grieving is inevitable.

My friend’s passing was very sad and life altering for his wife, who happens to be one of my best friends, who after today’s “Celebration of Life,” will have some closure, and with the memorial her life partner’s passing will be made very real. But because she is a survivor, and has her girls to take care of, she will slowly begin to pick up the pieces, get her footing, and learn to accept what has happened. She has acknowledged that she is amazed and overwhelmingly blessed at how loving and giving her friends and family have been.

Most never know what to do or say in situations like this. Honestly there isn’t really anything that can be done. The only thing we really can do, is to check on the person, just a simple text that says I’m thinking of you is enough. Letting the person know you are available for a distraction or an ear to vent to. And even as simple as sitting and being a shoulder to cry on, no words have to be spoken, just holding your hand out for them to hold onto can be enough.

We as friends and family need to remember that everyone grieves in their own way, and most especially in their own time. Let them know it’s ok to feel sad sometimes, that it’s ok to still cry when you miss the other person. We can’t tell someone it’s time to move on, just because it’s what we think would be best. We can’t know the depths that the one that has passed touched another. We can’t assume that someone missed someone more than another because the way they are expressing or not expressing grief is not what is expected, this again goes back to everyone grieves in their own time and way.

Just know that every gesture is usually appreciated and shouldn’t be assumed not noticed.

Tell those in your lives you love them and let them know you are thinking of them.

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    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 3 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      A very classy piece. Well done. Too often I find that when people write an article like this it becomes about them. You did a good job avoiding that, which is admirable.

    • profile image

      MysticMoonlight 3 years ago

      "We can’t tell someone it’s time to move on, just because it’s what we think would be best. We can’t know the depths that the one that has passed touched another."-This is so poignant. So very true. I lost someone close to me not long ago and I struggled greatly with people wanting me to just 'get over it' and move on when they felt I should be but wasn't. I actually lost a dear (or so I thought) friendship during this time because she told me that I'd had enough grieving time (2 weeks) and she was ready for us to "go back to normal". I'm still shocked over that one! I'm so sorry about the passing of your friend. He and his wife sound as though they knew what they had in each other and that is so rare these days. This Hub was written with such respect, what a great and true friend you are. Voted, voted, voted :)

    • LEWMaxwell profile image
      Author

      Leslie Schock 3 years ago from Tulsa, Oklahoma

      Eric, I try to look at the various situations that go on around me, or which involve me in an objective way, I don't always succeed, and I was actually worried this came off about me, so you commenting that it wasn't, made me sigh with relief. Thank you so much for your comment.

    • LEWMaxwell profile image
      Author

      Leslie Schock 3 years ago from Tulsa, Oklahoma

      Thank you Mystic. Grieving, like life is an individual thing. No two people experience it the same. Even siblings growing up in the same house, under same rules, will turn out very different. We may know someone, and be as close as we can be to another, but everyone still has a part of themselves that is kept to themselves. Thank you so much for commenting it is truly appreciated.

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 3 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      It is difficult to express the emotion we feel on the passing of a close friend. Your friendship with his wife will be a valuable asset for her to draw on in the lonely moments she will face. Thanks for sharing your story.

    • LEWMaxwell profile image
      Author

      Leslie Schock 3 years ago from Tulsa, Oklahoma

      Denise, his wife is one of my best friends, and she has already expressed her gratitude of my being there for them. I appreciate the thanks, but it's what friends do for each other to my way of thinking.

    • LEWMaxwell profile image
      Author

      Leslie Schock 3 years ago from Tulsa, Oklahoma

      Thank you for commenting!

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