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Is My Wife Bipolar? How Do You Ask?

Updated on September 24, 2011

Could you be bipolar?

We had been married for 10 years. Together for 17 years. There were lots of good times as well as some times of extraordinary grief. Counseling? We went to counseling. I sat in the office with my wife on the first day of counseling not knowing what to expect. "I tend to be harder on the men" was the counselor's fist statement. "Maybe I feel like I am one of the more thoughtful husbands" I told him. I did have a question for the male counselor before the session was through. "Have you been divorced?". Yes was his answer. Made me wonder, if he considers himself a relationship expert, how come he couldn't save his own marriage? This counselor repeatedly told us "don't compare yourself to other people". I don't know if this is standard therapeutic advice from marriage counselors. I sometimes would point out to my wife that although we had issues in our marriage, we had what I thought was a happy and meaningful relationship compared to the relationships of most of our friends and neighbors.

Years later we went to counseling again. This time I wanted a woman counselor. I thought maybe a woman counselor would help my wife to realize that her husband loved her and did everything he could do to try to make her happy.

The arguments would always start over money. We made close to six figures between us. I worked days and my wife worked nights. Still there was never any money in our bank accounts. In fact not only was there never any money, there were negative balances in both checking accounts totalling thousands of dollars.

"Mind if I go get some flowers"? "Mind if I go out do dinner with my Dad"? "Mind if I buy a swingset"? The phrase was all to familiar. I was the saver in the relationship. My wife wanted to spend it faster than we could earn it. "I can't talk to you about money" she screams. It was time to talk about what bills to pay. Then I would see from the online bank statement that she had taken the kids to McDonalds or Wendy's 4 times in the last week alone. Food Shopping was an issue as well. I could go to the supermarket and come home with a weeks worth of groceries for under a hundred dollars. When my wife went food shopping the bill would be well over a hundred dollars and she'd have bought pretty much junkfood. "We need lunch meat". She'd by it then it would sit in the refrigerator until I threw it out. I didn't make lunches. I usually didn't take a lunch break so I could leave work earlier, giving her time to get to work earlier in the evening.

Once the conversation about money started, it was no longer a conversation. When I would say that I was worried about paying the mortgage she would get aggravated. "I can't talk to you about money". "That's because you don't talk to me about money, you scream at me and tell me I am cheap". I know I am not cheap. I am a man who does not spend money I don't have. We had close to $20,000 in credit debt. We had re-mortgaged 3 times and added cars and debt to the mortgage and still the debt would grow. "I won't use the bankcard anymore" my wife stated. "Good, take an amount of money each week in cash, when that is gone, that's it". She didn't follow that advice however. To her the bank card was like a free cash dispenser.

These arguments didn't happen often. They did happen on occasion and I would point out that all couples argue about money. I pointed out on MTV that Nick Lachey would complain to Jessica Simpson that she spend $800 on underwear. Here's two millionaires and they are arguing about money. (author's note: I would let Jessica spend her money on underwear).

Years go by and the arguments about money continued. Sometimes the arguments would be about disciplining the children. I read lots of information on raising children as well as healthy marriages and relationships. Arguing about disciplining children was pretty much second on the list of what couples argue about.

My wife worked nights and I worked days. I awoke each weekday morning at 5:15 am. It was over an hour commute each way. I'd get home around 5:30 pm. This would be the time that my wife and I would be able to talk. Except for the fact that almost every day I got home she would be in the shower getting ready to leave for work.

"We never communicate", another point in relationship troubles. "I try to get home each day early enough so we can talk, maybe you could take your shower a little earlier. "GRRRR". Our son was demanding as a baby. She would say that she never got a chance to take a shower. She would complain about the shower daily as well. "It's always cold". It was okay for me. She seemed to complain about a lot now. "The sponges don't hold soap". "The sink is too flat on the bottom". Still don't get that complaint. "The dog is up my ass all day". We had a dog for 12 years. She had died the previous year. I didn't want to get another dog until the kids got older. My wife would call me at work "I got a new dog". This happened several times. Each time there'd be a reason we couldn't keep the dog. Sometimes the dogs weren't good with kids. One dog didn't last more than 4 hours. I never even saw it. I get a call in work on a Saturday and she tells me "We have a new dog". I get home around 6 pm and there is no dog. She tells me that the dog was psychotic and wouldn't get off the couch. Every time one of the kids would go near it the dog would show it's teeth and growl.

"We never go anywhere, we never do anything". This I heard constantly. We both worked. On the weekends she would sleep in. I would get up early each Saturday and Sunday morning. My wife would lay in bed until 11 am or noon even. She'd be hung over because she had gone out with the girls the night before after work. "It would be nice if once in a while you could get up on the weekend with me and the boys". "GRRR....what's the difference you're already up". I got up every single weekend for 10 years. Even Christmas morning I would have to ask her to get up.

"I need more, I need to travel, I am sick of going to work and coming home to kids and clothes and a mess house". The house was a mess now. Dog hair everywhere. Clothes everywhere. Every time I turned around she was bringing shopping bags of clothes into the house. "Mind if I hit a yard sale?" She'd leave me with the kids and say she'd be back in a bit. Two hours later I'd be frustrated. I had been up all morning. She had slept late then talked on the phone with her friends for an hour. Then got on the computer and now she's out. I'd do yard work. I'd do laundry. I'd go food shopping and start something nice for supper.

"You don't do a fucking thing around here" That is when I started really thinking, is she insane? I bust my ass around here. I stay in on weekends and watch some football and do laundry for 2 straight days from 7 am until 10 pm. Sometimes she'd tell me "Stop". I'd say..."Just want to get it done." The mountain of clothes was growing in each of the boys bedrooms.

"I don't think I have feelings for you anymore". At first I shrugged it off. She was mad because I said we couldn't buy a trailer. We had just taken out a second mortgage on the house and remodeled the kitchen and one of the bathrooms. "Mind if I get the whirlpool tub? Mind if I get the rug for the sunporch?" (even though we needed oil) She got the rug.

I started looking into signs your spouse is cheating. They were there. New underwear. Late night phone calls. Lack of intimacy. "You never seem to kiss me in the morning anymore" I said one day as I left for work. I have morning breath would be her response.

As I read about infidelity I started seeing the word bipolar. I didn't know what it was. My wife told me that her mother was diagnosed bipolar. My mother in law I considered to be the most selfish woman I had ever met. Didn't start that way. At first I thought she was a sweet old lady .Now I knew her to be controlling and demanding and argumentative. She admitted she suffered from depression her whole life. I read that bipolar is hereditary. I couldn't help but think is my wife bipolar? How do I ask her to seek an opinion on this?

As my suspicions of infidelity grew her behaviour got outright irresponsible. She went on weekend trips with her friend from her hometown. This woman was the definition of the word slut. "Mind if I go out and have a few with Jessie". No. I didn't mind. I really didn't. I trusted my wife.

A jewelry box showed up in one of our cars one day. Where'd that come from I wondered. My wife would leave for work ealier and ealier every day now. She'd work till 3 am she would tell me. She would lay in bed as my 10 year old son would get up and get himself dressed and fed and ready for school. "Bye Mom" he'd say as he stuck his head in our bedroom door. I had already been at work. I left at 5:30 am each day so I could get home early for her.

Months went by and I read about bipolar. She had all the classic symptoms. Irresponsible or reckless with money. Her sleeping had no schedule at all. Flighty thoughts. Start one task and head right to the next, never finishing the first. Then the final straw. I learned indeed she had been cheating. She cheated with her boss at work. Months later the same boss would lay her off. Monts after that her boss got fired because my wife complained to the president of the company that she had been taken advantage of. Now I finally needed to know.

As she screamed at me one day about doing nothing I said it, "Your mother is diagnosed as bipolar, do you think maybe you should be checked for the disorder too? It is hereditary" She screamed at me. "Fuck you. You are unbelievable. I can't stand the sight of you. I can't stand the sound of your voice. I want you out of the house." I calmly told her that after discussing with our doctor some of our problems he said you may be bipolar. "Fuck you I am not bipolar". My mother is not bipolar either. She had told me her mother was bipolar for years. Now she wasn't bipolar. She told me "that was only one doctor who told her she wa bipolar." Her mother use to fantasize about sexual situations often. I knew this because she would say them out loud in all kinds of different company. My wife had started telling me about some of her crazy sexual behaviour. She used a dildo as she drove home from work 2 or 3 nights a week she told me. She told me about how her and her boss would have sex in the office. "Oh the things I could tell you" the grin on her face as she said this was more like a sneer.

"I am not seeking an opinion on bipolar disorder" There was nothing I could do. I sought help from her friends and from her family. This would lead her to accuse me of being a psycopath. I was doing everything I could to keep my family together. She just wanted out. "You think you will be happy in a 2 bedroom apartment with two kids?" I'll be fine she would scream. "What about the kids?" They'll be fine too. After the divorce was final she would pick the boys up at my home. The little one did not want to leave and would tell her so. "Why do you hate me so much". He didn't hate his Mom. He wanted to be home. The place that he grew up in. The place that was stable and didn't have alcohol flowing constantly. My wife had turned to alcohol now. She drank daily. She still does. She drank before work until she got laid off by the boss that cheated with her.

Two years have gone by now. My conscience is clear. I know there are two sides to divorce. I could have done things different. I also know that I tried my best to show her that I loved her daily. "You never loved me", "I was second pick" "You don't show affection in public, you don't take enough pictures?" Yep she was leaving me because I didn't take pictures. The excuses and reasons for her infidelity ranged from the ridiculous to the sublime. Not once did she ever look at her own behaviour.

How do you ask if your wife is bipolar? I am still not sure. In my case I still don't have the answer. She's run up $20,000 in debt in a year. That's a symptom right there. She says outrageous things to the boys. She keeps telling me when does it get better? Not sure for you. It already has for me.


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      Eric 4 years ago

      I am sure now that my ex-wife was bi-polar, but at the time of our divorce I had never even heard about it. She was using some drugs too. A couple of times she would come home from "visiting a girlfriend" and drop her clothes where they fell and passed out on the bed !

      I discovered that she had passed out when one night I had been drinking and as I took my pants off, fell against the closet door. The door made a hell of a noise, but it didn't wake her... So I got curious and actually rolled her over from one side to the other and she didn't wake up. Then I slapped her on her buttocks, no reaction....

      Now I wonder what kind of drugs she had been takimg. Does anybody know ?

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      Nick 5 years ago

      It's been one-and-a-half years since divorce and the threats and insults from the ex continue. She has been able to set up her own business, travel the world with a new BF, buy nice things for herself, and in the meantime she has moved 6 times already (which reminded me of the times that we had to move also since she was never 'content')....but still she manages to save time to insult me and indicate me as her "dark negative energy" (those are her words), and the big cause of all her 'misery'. "What misery", I ask back? All this communication occurs via e-mail by the way, and we only live 10 miles apart. (i have avoided face to face contact at all times, the last time she insulted me in front of her own friends and at my daughter's birthday; that was the LAST time I would allow her to do that with me). I am also still being threatened with law-suits, and that her new boyfriend will take me to court, if I dont pay alimony on time. Whilst still married she had a muslim lover, and during that period I got threatened that my whole family would be killed and 'burned' by him also....this was some 3 years ago, but so clear in my mind still...thus all these new threats in essence are so 'deja vu', really. That relationship with the lover also ended in front of the judicial system by the way, since she destroyed the windshield of his car in a fit of rage, and that lover submitted a claim to the police afterwards. I must admit that It continues to hurt, so much time has passed and still this rage and hate is targeted directly at me, I am forcing my happy face each day though and keep fighting that 'dark side' (of hers though!).

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      Jeaa 5 years ago

      A couple of years ago then i was still in Utah, my husband and i got into a fight and he moved out and said he cant live with me and his son anymore because i cut him cheating seeing the messages and emails on his phone, and even pictures they snapped in the beach with a yong girl, he denials it and left for another state so that he can have al the time in world to be free with this girl. My heart could not contain the pains that i had to travel to my home town, The a friend told me about a spell lady who helped her when she got dumped by her boyfriend. this sound crazy to me that my husband i trust with my life could do this to me. it was so unbelievable. I cried all night long, locked myself in a padded room, and thought about how miserable my life was, so i look at the web site my friend gave me about the spell lady at, and i saw how powerful and helpful she would be. i contacted her and she decide to help me and guarantee me of results in 2days, i thgouht this was a joke, how can i see result so quickly, but i gave in to see, and at the actual time, my husband came apologising for all his stupid act, this looks sacry because this was so fast and accurate, But the most happiest part is that my family is once united again just as it was when we got married.

      The spell lady has no measure and i can never stop spreading her good works for bringing me happiness and joy. She helped my friend and now am testifying to it, why not do the same and dont make mistake in meeting rip you off on your pain. her email is,

      Thanks spell goddess. you are wonderfully sweet to meet.

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      trjme 5 years ago

      Sorry I meant to also add the following.

      My wife has no friends. Even if we meet up with my friends and their wives she hardly speaks to them and if she does speak its normally something very negative about getting ripped off or people cheating people out of money and the such.

      My wife will not see a doctor for anything. We have had the same family doctor for 10 years. Myself and the kids see him regulaly. My wife has never saw him even one time. I believe her words years ago was that the doctor was only out to steal our money.

      My wife does cook and clean. But when she cooks she wont eat with the rest of us. She regularly cleans but there are many things she neglects but I dont complain about it.

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      TRJME 5 years ago

      Like many of you I have seen the same symptoms with my wife and other things that may or may not be releatd to being Bi Polar.

      My wife and I married in 1994. We were living in Germany at the time and moved back to the States in 1996. Prior to leaving Germany my wife's mother had died. I bring this up because my wife had no relationship with her mother. While as a child my wife's mother left the family and only lived a few short blocks away with another man that she later married. From the time that she left in until she died she had no contact with her children. The oldest child committed suicide 4 or 5 years after the mother death. The youngest daughter had a happy marriage so we thought but left her very successful husband and son for an unemployed Russian. Still while all this was going on my wife still seemed sweet and caring.

      After our 2 daughters were born things started to change. She constantly yells at them for no reason at all. If the little one doesn't play with a certain toy she yells because it was a waste of money. If she does play with the toy she yells at her for making a mess by getting toys out. Its constant yelling. I have found in closets items bought from the local target or walmart of things we dont need or use and there would be multiple items of the same thing. I found 4 or 5 patio sets in the garage. I found 4 toasters, 4 coffepots , 4 vacuum cleaners hidden in closets. Most of these items were bought on clearance but were items we did not need. Also this was just a small example of the items she buys.

      As far as what she does to me. One minute she is all caring and talkative then the next she is bitching and complaining and accusing me of stuff. I pay all the bills but recently she started going the through the bank statements and saw that I withdrew 400 dollars and threw a fit about it cause i withdrew another 400 the week prior. I got accused of taking everyone at work out to eat on my dime. I tried to explain to her that when we eat out 2 or 3 times a week as a family thats where that money goes but she not hearing it. Out of the blue she will tell me I cant buy that and I have no idea what she is even talking about. I hardly buy anything at all. When I volunteer for overtime at work she gets mad but if my overtime gets cancelled she gets mad. She will stay mad for 4 or 5 days at a time. Wont talk to me and then one day its like nothing was ever wrong.

      I really hate it that she acts this way in front of the kids because I dont want them to think its ok to act that way. Im already seeing my oldest daughter act in the same way. Im old enough and wise enough to ignore it but it still bothers me. Im really starting to believe that whatever her mother had wrong with her has now taken over in my wife and previously in her brother who killed himself and her sister who left her family.

      Please excuse my rambling.

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      Jon 5 years ago from UK

      I have written some poetry to explain how this has effected me and my Daughter, it might help some of you guys to know your not alone,

      just check out my profile and it's all just a click away they are not big pieces, and there's no catch or adverts etc, just have a look if you want.



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      wowowwubbzy 5 years ago

      Same stuff I'm going through. Some things are different, but most are very similar. She doesn't work, I bring home all the bacon. 3 kids, in the morning she's ok, at night, I say one thing wrong and she turns into someone else. Blames me for everything, wants to run away and not deal with kids, I have been the strong one CONSTANTLY for our kids. I love them and will protect them from this. Love? Not as much any more, not after the abuse I have taken and the toll it has most likely taken on my kids. 3 strikes and she's out. I just wish I would know I could get the kids 100% of the time. I don't trust them here with her as I go to work. Sad, but true. Should I get out now while I can???

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      Edward 6 years ago

      I find many people suffer from the same problem of cheating spouses but not like the problem I had with my wife of 45 years. She died 1 1/2 years ago and it was only then that I learned what she was doing during all that time. She was hyper-sexual from before I met her in high school. She told me about previous boyfriends, a girl friend, a man she babysat for, even her younger brother. She had sex with all of them and admitted to me that she liked it all. I couldn't understand what she was trying to tell me... of course sex was good, I liked it too; I just never heard before that there was such a thing as too much of it. We were careful to avoid pregnacy but when we graduated from high school, she was a few months along so we got married.

      Within 5 years we had two sweet baby girls and I thought life was good. She told me that she had been with some one else during that time; first one of her old boyfriends had snuck around while I was at work and she gave him one for old times sake. Then a couple years later she took a fancy to my sister's husband and had him in her bed almost every night for a month, again while I was working. Both times, she acted surprised that I was upset. She really didn't seem to understand that she was supposed to be faithful to me. I told her if it happened again, I would be through with her; that our marriage would be over and I would take the daughters - now four of them - from her and she didn't want that. It did not mean she was faithful to me - just a lot more careful.

      My wife was a nurse at the local hospital, working the night shifts. I would be in bed before she normally got off work. She began going out after quitting time to a local bar with a few of the nurses for a pizza or sandwich, and a drink or two to unwind. Pretty soon a few guys would join them, and they'd hang around until the bar closed. Somebody suggested it was sstill early - they could go to somebody's house nearby to party on for a few more hours. Of course, more booze and the extra privacy led to sex which was what the all wanted anyhow. My wife would get home just before I would get up in the morning; I'd find her asleep on the couch. She'd tell me she had to work over at the hospital that night and didn't want to wake me when she'd got home.

      This went on and on. They started havin sex at the hosspital, using empty rooms when available. She went to sex clubs with a few of them when I was out of town on business trips. She took money out of a joint bank account to pay for "male escorts" to service her special interests in sex.

      A few years ago, she developed kidney failure and was not able to get a transplant in time. After her death, I found her hiding place for sexy outfits, sex toys, and a video caamera that I didn't know she had. She had been selling those pictures and videos to websites on the internet. She had been running sex for money ads to help fund her addictions. I even found picctures of her at a nude beach resort in Florida where she had sex on the beach with her brother and his wife while people stood around them, watching it all.

      Now, I can see what she waas upto. At the time, I trusted her to honor her commitments to me. All she did was learn to become more deceptive as time went by. She had to buy the sex when she became a grossly overweight grandmother of 63 - but she found those who would pay her for the sex, even if they made fun of her while doing so. One video says it all - a man stood by while she had anal sex with a black man and she was urging him to push harder... the other guy was heard to say "man, she's way past a slut!" I wouldn't know, mister. She cut off our sex life when diabetes made me impotent about ten years before that... She had told me that my sex life was over - get used to it... mine was, but she never ment hers.

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      Jon 6 years ago from UK

      I would just like to try and explain how I see my wife I have copied and pasted this from another forum I have just written on in reply to a guy who thinks of his wives condition as a flower in a bed of weeds.

      It goes like this

      I love the way you relate to your wife as the flower in the weeds, I 100% understand your thoughts on that description, perhaps if I explain my feelings to you about my wife and how I try to rationalize her condition although it has not yet been confirmed that she has bipolar after eight years with her I am confident she has it or something very very similar or worse.


      I feel as if inside her head is this gentle kind and confused woman who’s inner beauty is what attracted me to her in the beginning. But it is as if she has a guard or translator who gets all the information her senses (sight sound etc )

      before my wife does and jumbles them all up or deliberately relays these messages to a trapped innocent soul on the inside, who trusts what she is being told and then gets so hurt by this information about her life and loved ones that she reacts in the only natural way any sane person would, with emotions of betrayal, hurt and anger. With the latter anger being the most comforting as it detracts the feeling of pain from the gentle soul that has this double agent between the real world and her scary reality in her brain.

      I hope this makes some kind of sense as I have never explained this before.

      I don’t think she hears voices but I’m sure reality does not sink in to her brain, is it paranoia? yes for sure but it is also much more. I have genuinely been a good husband and father but she would swear before god the opposite, I have for all of our relationship done as she wishes and our daughter worships the ground I walk on and I know I’m the favorite parent but this is due to my wives illness I’m sure.

      Anyway we’ve had some beautiful moments in our marriage but the bad times don’t slowly return they come back like a bolt of lightening for no apparent reason or for something so trivial as split drink or being unable to find a TV channel worth watching (how is that my fault?) Another classic is the realization of her mood and per-meditated aggression towards me is when after a day or so of pure hatred towards me I will find the phone bill which she had opened in panic as she had made many overseas calls and new it would be putting financial strain on our family, rather than waiting to see my reaction she will attack first for many days with out me knowing why she was so distressed.

      But getting back to the point I feel she is angel caged by evil mischief, just imagine if you were being told to go left for your benefit and well being and because of some illness kept telling you you heard right. with detrimental consequences.

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      Anomaly7771 6 years ago

      I had to sign up just to say that this guy isn't going through anything unfamiliar to most men. I go through it in every relationship and I'm going through it right now... you love her, but she's batshit insane. She spends money like it's free, starts arguments about nothing then blames you for getting upset, injects little phrases like "I'm not sure if we're a good match" or, "This relationship isn't going anywhere right now." and then wonders why you don't trust her with anything, anymore. It's a freaking plague and it's spreading fast. I don't even want to hear about how sexist and generalized that idea is, because I've heard it from many a woman that I do respect... "Women are selfish and irresponsible inside of a family unit." that's the comment I recently heard from a mother of 4 who cheated on her husband and managed to still maintain enough of his love to save the marriage. She saw what she was doing to him and then did an about face and changed her ways... guess what? She was diagnosed Bipolar... and admits that it was a bullshit diagnosis... she was just being selfish and irresponsible with her family unit. I feel for this guy because he's like every other guy... he just wants his castle, his queen and his heirs. He didn't expect to find out that his wife is actually mentally unstable and was only putting on a front to lure him into taking care of her while she slowly demoralized him to the point that he no longer has enough free will to boot her ass out onto the street. There is no easy solution for this type of situation... sad, but true. He either gets to spend his life putting up with her insanity, or leave her and be burdened to her through court orders. The system only favors the woman in these situations. He has no proof that she's nuts, therefor, hes the instigator and by God, he's going to pay for it! She sounds like the perfect parasite.

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      Amanda 6 years ago

      Very interesting reading here! I am bipolar so it's very interesting to hear things from the other side. I'm not a reckless spender, nor do I harm myself or my kids. But I often give my other half the cone of silence. At the time, my anger and resentment is so consuming, nothing could knock it out of me. Our brains are wired totally differently.

      Amazing reading though, have just been given meds to manage and will be taking them.

      I hope, although you are all so worn out from the fight, that you understand that we don't choose to be this way. And when we say we love you, we do. It's the skewed reality of being stuck in an irritable or depressed state that is out of character.

      Encourage them to seek help. If they value their family at all, they will find it. But please do this when things are great, when they can think clearly, when they are the loving person they can be. Yelling at them in the middle of a fight they they need help won't win any brownie points.

      Best wishes.

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      Adey 6 years ago

      Grow some and leave. You have a life that this person is stealing from you. You think you love them, you don't. You are dependent on them. She definitely doesn't love you. People who love each other communicate and respect each other's needs. Your wife is 100% selfish and you are an idiot for putting up with it.

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      Jon 6 years ago from UK

      I have not read all of the replies yet I have got thought about 3 of them but yes me and my six year old daughter have been going though this for many years now it is as the other posts say you are writing my life as if you have cameras in my home.

      The worst thing at the moment is she ran off 2 weeks ago with my Daughter who I have been the sole parent for years, also to get into social housing she has made up a huge amount of lies about my behaviour in the home/marriage, she has basically flipped the coin on all of her behaviour and told the courts and women's refuge that I have done everything she has been doing for the last seven years, physical/metal abuse controlling ,well you name it she has said it. I now have to fight for the safety of my daughter but here in the UK the system is all balanced to the women.

      I saw my daughter for the first time since she was taken out of school early (as I always pick her up) and ran off to another city.

      My daughter after running into my arms told me "No tears Daddy" as we hugged each other as I could not hold them back and was overwhelmed by my daughters strength and empathy as it is something that in our life together only we had shared as her mother seems to have none.

      The second thing she said was "can we go home now?"

      Anyway my parents were with me and my daughter all day and we videoed the whole day, unprovoked my daughter told my Mum nearly everything that had been going on for a long time and how much she wanted to not be returned with her mother as she was scared.

      My wife has had a drink problem all of her life and I have found some terrible things when returning from work

      but the coldness and sneers/smirks with a look of evil chill me to the bone, but I loved her the whole time, I am sure that I have clinically suffered huge mental abuse and have to come to terms with that, but right now I have to fight for the safety and happiness of my beautiful daughter who has supported me as much I have her in this mess of a home.

      I could write for days about this but I need to get my daughter safe. One more point before I sign off is yesterday when my mother took my daughter screaming from my arms to return her to her mother 50 yards away at the meeting point, she carried her the whole way with my daughter screaming for her Daddy, my mother got to about 3ft from my wife before my wife turned around with a look of surprise that our daughter was upset.

      The point I am making is how on earth did she not hear her own flesh and blood in so much distress and not turn around before, this was in a very quite part of the city with no traffic around? She is ill I am sure of it.


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      Brittany 6 years ago

      Sorry you had that happened

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      I am not alone 6 years ago from Indiana

      Bill - there is nothing wrong with you. I really think that especially men are taught that we need to be supportive and be able to fix anything or person for which we are responsible. Unfortunately we nor anyone else can fix those who suffer from bi-polar or any other mental illness. Even if you are a skilled psychiatrist, therapist, etc. you can't fix this person unless they want to have control of the situation. I like to use the example of a diabetic. Some will alter their diet or take medication or exert will power or other means of assistance to over come their condition. The awful part of a mental illness is that the very part of person that could help them the most - their brain, thought processes, ID, self awareness, soul - whatever term you want to use is fighting against them. It feels like a loosing battle most days an until you can convince that person that you are not the enemy and you are truly trying to help them it may be a lost cause. Is there anyone else who your girlfriend trusts - really trusts who can help that essential element that is the person you deeply care for and love realize that she needs to better understand what's happening to herself, her daughter and your relationship? This person may be able to help her more than you can right now.

      Best wishes and blessings to you all. Doug

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      Bill 6 years ago

      This has certainly been an eye opener for me. My wife of 5 years is bipolar and is developing erotomania. I am in the process of confronting her/convincing her to see a therapist. She is in serious denial and I don't know if she would ever see a stranger (therapist). I don't know how to leave her. I feel like an addict, hooked on her and honestly fearful of a future without her. I am a Father to her daughter, my step daughter since she was a baby and know that I would lose any right immediately. We aren't legally married but have been in a domestic partnership for 5 years. I want to stay for my daughter. My wife is a neglect-er and can be abusive, although not on the level of many of these other commenters. She is amazingly aloof and claims to "live in the moment" when in reality she is in her own bubble shutting the world out and having outbursts of intense anger. Then after she acts if nothing happened and lately I have been.

      Is something wrong with me? I take an emotional beating weekly but can't pull away from her. I'm 35 years old, smart, extremely fit and handsome and I live in Hawaii. I know I should move on with my life but I feel like I can't. Maybe I'm just as effed as she is?

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      Heartbroken 6 years ago

      To Downandout I totally understand. I thought I was losing my mind too. I'm sorry for your pain.

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      DownAndOut 6 years ago

      Came across this hub - you might want to look into BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder as an earlier commenter suggested.

      I was in a relationship with a woman for 4 years, and it was this constant "push-pull" that I simply could not understand. Trying to talk to her when she was in one of her silent rages (or even afterward to try to get a resolution to whatever the issue was) was like trying to talk with a 3 year old.

      When things were good, they were very good.. but they could switch on a dime, do a full 180 degrees, and it was so baffling.

      Even after the relationship has ended, the behavior from her continues. I get text messages from her after weeks of silence, asking me how I am doing, or telling me she wants contact with me and some level of friendship, and then out of the blue again, kaboom.. I'm being accused of the most insane things. Two weeks ago I was accused of "hacking" her bank account.

      It is so hurtful, frustrating, painful and sometimes I think I am losing my own sanity. Last night, I got a text message from her telling me she was "fucking" someone. Like... why? What's the point? It's like she has some NEED to be hurtful.

      The peculiar thing was she used to say I was "full of drama," and admittedly, there were times when I would just get sick and tired of the crap and blow up - but in reality, it was her drama. She would get some weird thought in her mind and because she had the thought, to her it became a "fact" and I was accused of the most bizarre things. Sleeping with my sister-in-law, having "hundreds of women on the go," planting tracking devices on her vehicle, bugging the telephone... this crazy paranoia and delusions.

      After trying to research some of this stuff, I came across BPD, and sincerely believe that is what she has.

      And sadly, she is still driving me nuts - because as I wrote, when things were good, they were really good.. and I truly loved that part of her very deeply.

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      heart broken 6 years ago

      Thank you for your stories. I just ended a relationship with my girlfriend of 10 years due to her bipolar disease. I feel such shame. Shame for not hiding some money for myself. shame for the isolation. Feeling that I could have saved this relationship somehow. shame I did love hard enough. Shame that I live without heat because I spend all my savings trying to save her job after she wen into business with a stranger and con man. Shame that I'm in the shadow of foreclosure. Shame that my love will never ever be enough.

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      I am not alone 6 years ago from Indiana

      Holy cow! I stumble across this hub while researching an entirely different topic but I am so thankful I found this. So thankful I had tears in my eyes. I too am a husband of 22 years; together for 26 years to a bipolar woman. I do have to say that through counciling, medication, laughs and tears that we continue to work at a loving relationship day to day. I am no saint myself and do not profess to be a perfect person. I have plenty of baggage in my life that most people wouldn't begin to understand or accept and for that I am grateful that I have found someone who will let me be who I am. But I have to say that a weight was lifted from me as I felt that my own life was being played out before me. Maybe some of the details were different as if watching a film version of a familiar book, but the essence of my story was right there on the screen. I am so greatful that I am not alone in my situation or my thoughts on how the spouse of a diagnosed bipolar person feels and what they go through just to maintain a stable existence - especially when there are children involved. As I mentioned I have been to many therapy sessions for my wife - all of them centered around her thoughts and feelings, and mostly getting the cocktail mixture of pharmacuticals to work their magic to "make her normal". First let me say this - the few times I have asked - make that confronted - a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist about how do I and my children learn to work with my wife/their mother and understand yet help her practice behavior modification, you would have thought I had three heads, was spitting fire and creating some kind of obscene gesture. I understand my wife needs to adjust/heal/resolve issues/whatever but I also need to know how we all can work together to help each other. The medical profession - at least what I have encountered - is severely lacking in this area. On another note, I am astounded at the similarities at the way this disease makes the person suffering act like a 12 year old. This is my 'definition' no one elses. One minute you think you can have a completely adult, competent discussion and then WHAM, it's not fair, I'm a victim, I need your help (or as the theme goes here - I need you to do this for me.) Anyway I wish everyone here well and I thank everyone who came here before me and shared their story. I plan on returning to learn more of others struggles with this affliction and hopefully learn from it as well. Thanks!

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      Frank in Meriden 6 years ago

      Bi-polar has atleast 3 different stages....It's not just one disease. But before you assume your ex's, or spouses are are bi-polar, look into the different behavior disorders on wikipedia. My x-wife told me she thinks she is bi-polar, but I think she said that because it is a more and more common these days, talked about a lot. It's almost normal. But Borderline Pesonality Disorder is what I beleive my x is. She may have told me bi-polar because it doesn't sound "phycho" like Borderline .P.D does, she lied if that is the case.

      Does your spouse say I love you in the morning, and I hate you that evening??? Look to Borderline Personality Disorder!!

      The bad news?? No known cure, no known causes, no known medical treatment, except that therapy seems to help.

      Good luck!!!!

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      Been There 6 years ago

      Bipolar people can certainly make you feel guilty about leaving them.

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      Not the ex wife 6 years ago

      Sadly my Mr Wonderful has gone back to the woman he dated long distance after his divorce and before me. A woman who everyone says looks and acts just life the bipolar ex wife. In the end it sounds like that's all he knows. Time for me to move on. Appreciate all the comments.

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      Been There 6 years ago

      To not the ex wife - I went back and read your posting after I wrote mine. As I said I feel tremendously guilty even though I tried to make it work. There in lies a problem I believe in that I loved my wife and children and wanted to make life perfect. Its hard to admit that it wont happen even though it is right in front of me. I feel I failed in some way even though logically I dont think I should.

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      Been There 6 years ago

      I have been married for 28 years in addition to 5 years of dating. Last year I could not take the yelling anymore and moved out leaving my youngest daughter with my wife in our home. My goal was to get my last daughter through high school, and hoped that my not being around would make it more peaceful for her. I was wrong. Not only do my wife and daughter argue, but my daughter wants nothing to do with me. While I pay most of the bills, my wife continues to bash me to my other children as well. Has told me she is sorry our son respects me. I look back at arguments we have had and I feel what I have said is not listened to, but also turned around in a way that I never meant. She reminds me of incidents that happened 20 years ago, or sends me copies of emails from 4 or 5 years ago that I used to try and explain my side but she always thought she knew why I did something, no matter what I really intended. So totally frustrating. After moving out, almost a year now, I feel guilty and I dont know why. My friends think I am crazy. Whatever that condition is, I dont know, but I still cant believe I went through it. My heart goes out to people and children that have to deal with this situation. I tried couples therapy but my wife never gave me a chance to talk, and told the therapist he didn't understand what was going on here. He probably didn't. I sure as hell didn't. I should have known beforehand when she laid out some ground rules about what we could talk about - ONLY MY ISSUES and not hers. After so many years I think it caused me to become unstable as well.

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      Rich 6 years ago

      This is exactly what I've been living with for the last 3 years. It's an unwinable impossible situation. I've fought my ass off trying to save my family, all I ever get told is that she has "prioritites" & her "real" family is her only priority & she doesn't have time for me. I'm the cause of everything miserable in her life. It's heart breaking. I haven't done anything wrong. Can't get her to see that her brain is the real problem. She refuses to accept any responsibility, even when she's physically violent in front of the children. Wish I could have her committed to a mental hospital & have them diagnose her.

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      Hurt 6 years ago

      Reading this hub has certainly put things in perspective for me. While I sympathize with what some of posters are going through, in a strange way it is good to hear that I am not the only one and my situation is not as bad as others.

      My wife was diagnosed with post natal depression 3 years ago, 12 months after the birth of our twins. Since then she has been to 3 psychologists who have all told her she has depression, and her GP has had her on varying doses of Zoloft. In restrospect I believe she has been ill a lot longer. My wife's mother is bipolar and, sadly, my wife has begun showing manic symptoms that I do not believe were there in the past.

      My wife goes for long periods of time without talking to me, and I sense an extreme and intense anger in her, this is how she communicates her displeasure with something I have done "wrong". It is very difficult, nigh impossible, to successfully get her out of this state. Often it is ridiculously trivial, and when she realises this she twists it in to something else and/or dredges up an exaggerated version of a past event. I have tried everything to get her out of her "cone of silence" from being direct, being clam, arguing, getting angry, being patient and allowing her talk in her own time(which never happens), but none of it works. In the past she has done similar things to family and friends, for example not talking to her dad for years over relatively minor incident.

      My wife is a financial nightmare. She finds finances " stressful" and therefore opts out of paying bills and refuses to work or even talk about work. Attempting to discuss work is, according to her me telling her to get back to work, she even left her last psychologist due to the psychologists suggestion that it may be good for her. She still holds a very unhealthy and intense grudge against this woman. She has always been given what she wants by her Dad so we/she gets by on his additional money and my steady and reasonably good pay. I don't like this situation but have accepted it in an attempt to help her to get better.

      When sick she used to tell me that I had depression and should see a doctor. Despite all my close friends and relatives telling me I was ok I saw a doctor anyway and was told that I had mild stress related anxiety. She dropped this after a while.

      There are so many other things that I could go on and on, but don't have time, so ephaps another day. Now to my point...

      Things changed for the worse a couple of weeks ago. She polished off a bottle of Vodka, which was out of character. She then decided to open up to me, again out of character. She admitted to having breakfast with her ex, again out of character, but I told her I didn't mind as long as that was all. She then talked about swinging and what would I think about hernhaving sex with her ex, whichnwas hugely out of character because she is extremely conservative. I asked her why she would want to do those things and told her I didn't approve.

      Since then she was nice to me for acouple of weeks, but I could see her gradually going in to depression, and when her mum got sick again she snapped. Once again a minor incident in our relationship, me playing a game of golf at a venue other than what she expected, resulted in the "cone of silence". I then found out by text that she had taken tephe kids to live with her dad, and she has since asked to separate.

      I'm not sure whether I love her any more,mprobably haven't for some time so would probably go along with a divorce. However I love my kids and I'm concerned about their best interests and am particularly concerned that her ilness is much more than a mild post natal depression. Additionally I would take her back in the interests of her health and the kids wellbeing if she is infact acting out as a result of her ilness. Its so grey its hard.

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      Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

      I appreciate the long detailed comments that this Hub receives. The fact that people come here and write such detailed comments about what is going on in their lives tells me that they are feeling a lot like I was when I was going through these problems. I wrote because I needed a place to vent. I wrote from my heart and I cried sometimes when I wrote. I publish all the comments (even the one right above this one, although its spam for the most part) because I see people are actually interacting here through their comments. I need to be more interactive with the people that read and comment here and will continue to hope that as time goes by your pain gets easier to deal with. My divorce has been final for three years now. It's still not easy dealing with someone who looks at me as the continued source of their problems in life, but I have my kids and other people in my life who surround me with love and continue to push me toward positive thoughts.

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      It's all adding up now... 6 years ago

      No offense (Astounded), but the problem rests with the idea that when said person who is ill has been confronted with the facts pertaining to their illness (call it the truth), and they are in full view of the concept that said illness requires attention but are completely unwilling to address the illness (truth)--- The way I see it is it comes down to character because we all know whether we are hurting someone else or not. It's about accountability and taking ownership. Believe me, if my wife had cancer without the signs of psychosis, I would never imagine leaving her behind. But my wife doesn't have cancer, she is simply put a manipulative, insecure woman who seems to favor making excuses and casting blame. Her addictions to lying, cheating, smoking, eating, using drugs, abusing (yes, me and my children), and every other unfavorable thing she does is my fault according to her, but we as reasonable folks know that just isn’t so. She consistently uses extreme generalizations, manipulates the truth whether inflating or deflating, and often fabricates the truth altogether to suit her needs, all in the presence of my beautiful children who are quickly learning her ways. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy and quite frankly, I fear for the safety of myself and my children. Ah, but just up and leave. LOL! This psycho has pretty well locked me down as she has put up this facade to everyone else that I'm the problem, and of course a veteran with PTSD doesn't stand a damn chance, especially in her hometown. The corruption here makes me sick. She uses my VA diagnosis against me in order to alienate everyone from me that is in fact sensible, but I'm finding that she is the way she is honestly. That is to say, I'm surrounded by this sort of thing, and unfortunately so are my children whom I will probably have to fight the devil to save. If the evil mindset of this community doesn't get them, the drugs will. I'd say over 30- - - that's 30 folks within this family unit, have died in the past nine years to drug overdose. Sucking on pain patches, heroine, pain pills and on and on. Nine years ago when I was insecure and blind, she must have seen me coming a mile out. In nine years my credit has gone through the roof, and so has hers. We own a house, have two paid vehicles and one in the works. She went from some college to working on her masters in nursing. You know, good for us, good for her. But now that she has about maxed all that Uncle Sam has to offer her because of a disabled veteran who was dumb enough to put himself in this position (me), it almost seems as though she is working overtime making efforts to run me off. And you know, nobody believes me when I tell them I think she may have poisoned my food, or injected me while I sleep (sound from a bit too much drink), and don’t think for a minute this is delusional on my part. Let me conclude my long-winded rant by saying, she doesn't have a disease, she is simply making a conscious decision to be as cruel and corrupt as possible, all the while making efforts to put it on my shoulders. I figured out a little too late that my wife is a very dangerous woman who if left to her devices, will take my two sweet children, who deserve better, to hell. My quandary is how to save my children from the clutches of hell, because they are in fact what I'm most worried about at this time...

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      Astounded 6 years ago

      I just wanted to say, as a woman who has suffered from bipolar disorder since I was 12 (but didn't realize it until I was 31) is that the only person in here who deserves any respect at all is Nick. He took the time to help his wife, and that is what a real human being does when someone they love is ill. You wouldn't divorce a cancer patient, so why wouldn't you take the time to lovingly help your wife?

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      Not the ex wife 6 years ago

      Nick- Thank you so much for responding. And the answer is no, I did not expect him to not have baggage after his ordeal. I knew enough about the disease and from what shared with me, to know that his life had been a rollercoster with this woman. He has been to therapy, but I know its never that easy. I think I did the right thing, I did not get mad when he told me he had no spark. To your point he might still be emotionally numb. I would be. I reassured him that I have deep feelings for him, and yet want the best for him, even if that means we are done. But the decision of what to do next is his. And from what I know about what his life has been, this may be a very new experience for him. Making a decision about his life without being told what to do, no guilt attached is probably very freeing, but also very scary. I love him, so I will let him take some time and see what happens. Thanks again.

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      Nick 6 years ago

      I am not the same Nick which posted on his wife trying to cut wrists, hang herself etc..but rather the first Nick with his 7 year ordeal which gladly ended into divorce. I am glad that Nick # 2 found a way for his wife to accept her illness and take the medicines. But as for myself: I could never go back with that lunatic, she is still in denial, and yes, the craziness continues even after divorce i am continually threatened with police etc on the smallest of things. It is a curse and my daughter is suffering under each exchange (weekly). To "not the ex-wife": do you really expect a man who spent 15 years with such a crazy person to be mentally sane/stable? He has been traumatized severely and his feelings went numb over time due to this torture. These traumas could even trigger bipolarity in the other partner, you know? We all need psychological assistance really. He probably finds it difficult to be open, elate his deepest feelings, and feel complete trust again with a new partner. And remember, when he talks about "good" times with his ex....bipolar partners operate only in is a rollercoaster ride...with very deep lows and also yeah, when they are in that high state, their energy, and overall positivity can be addictive at times. They can be very sexually driven during their peaks and extremely charismatic, the center of the party and overflowing with love and creativity. I'd rather have PEACE and STABILITY in my life in retrospect... I have been divorced 6 months now, and i find myself isolating myself from everyone, i find it difficult to trust people. At times i am with my daughter, i feel the desire to cry my heart out, but i repress it all because I'd always want my daughter to have the image of a strong daddy in her mind. I am coping, dealing and will get out of this rut soon also.

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      Not the ex wife 6 years ago

      I meant that's not how it feels when we are together. When we are together it's like two people who really care about each other, go out their way to make the other feel special, we laugh, we talk, we have fun, we love, and it feels right, at least to me. People tell us when they see us together they really see a special couple that look very happy together. The only thing missing is crazy drama, which I am wondering if he needs to feel a spark because that is what he really only know.

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      Not the ex wife 6 years ago

      I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 9 months, who lived a very similar life to the ones read here. They were married for 15 years, she told him a week before their wedding she was bipolar. They have two children, but he did it all, Holding everything together. It ended 4 years ago when she left him for a 25 year who still lived in his mothers basement. My boyfriend has been divorced for almost three years. Before he met me he dated other women. The past 9 months have been great. And then out of the blue he tells me he does not feel a spark for me. Which is weird because that's now how it feels when we are together. I guess my question is to all the men who posted here, is many of you mention you still love or have deep feelings for your ex bipolar spouse. Why? And you all describe in detail the living hell of the life you had, but then you all go onto say but the good times were great. I am curious to what went on the good times. As I sit here, my gut tells me that my boyfriend is really still affected by his ex wife in some way. Thoughts?

    • profile image 6 years ago

      My wife did the same thing to me. Even after the divorce was finalized she kept on going. Placing recording devices on my children when they are with me and telling them not to say certain things or "mommy will go to jail". It's been pure torture as I try to get custody of my kids...but as everyone knows, as the father I am at a distinct disadvantage legally. It's such a heartbreaking situation.

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      Erika 6 years ago

      omg, you have almost same story that my husband had situation with his ex wife. she is the one only blame on him for ruin their married. but he have a wrong reason that he married her, because they had first child, she begged him to married her. he just decide to married her that he wants be there for his daughter. he not love his ex wife, but he was trying work on for loving family together and give his ex wife whatever she wants to. gave her have other child again. they got 2 kids, he work so hard for his family and everything for what she wants to do. guess what? she was not even clean the house at all!! it was soo trash the house! a lot of clothes over bed and everythings, all she is do, sit on the couch and watch tv every dayy even smoke the weed. kids always hungryyyyyyyyyyyy! they had awful something on their body and hair. she always yell and she know hows to push on him turn mad every day. he asked her for counseling married. she decide to say no. they had been on and off together over for 6 years. he was trying give her whatever she wants. then he realizing that waste his time for his life. he not want take risk that life. she decide to call police on him for abused. she knows how to liar everything. she knows how to push on him everything. he was soo frustrated. he went to jail. the court order no contact with her unless they can talking about only kids. he deicde to get laywer to protect him. then finally he get prove what did she do to him, threatening text messages. she decide talking shit about life and courts everythings what he had text messgae from her. show everyhthing to his laywers. she got pissed off and she still keep going on and going on. he keep save those messages for all years. she still want him put in jail for 2 to 10 years even she need money more from him for child supports. she expect for 50,000 for back due. and she wants 600 every months for child support. thats soooo crazyy!!! he deicde to get pro laywer for divorce and child supports for his protect and his rights, finally everything better than too high money. then i started dating him then we got new daughter, we doing great and happy together. he tell me everything about his ex wife. i was try be nice and give her respect. i want those parents be friends and be there for their kids. he tell me she will never be nice period. he believes that she is bipolar. i not think so then i start talking with her. she is fking give me uglly attitude everything and rude!! recent she asked me about how kids doing? i just thou it will be nice if she really wants know about kids. i decide to tell her they doing great and found it out that my daughter had pinky eyes, i hope her kids will not get pinky eyes. i will take care of that before kids going back with their mom. then guess what? she order me:: "you are mother u watch them since u had my kids!". even she keep ask me about money money money money money!!!! i cant believe that. do you think she really have bipolar? i cant keep this going on and going on till kids turn 18 years old. this is soo frustrating. i decide to never talking to her again ever but only i can tell her about kids visition.

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      Time To Walk 6 years ago

      My appointment is at 2pm. I just cancelled due to your comment. Ive been fighting with this decision. I was about to cancel but she flipped out again yesterday. I'll try again to get her to counseling, but she thinks nothing is wrong.

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      Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

      I wonder if maybe before you see the divorce lawyer you could get her to go to counseling with you. The divorce lawyer isn't going to care about anything except getting as much of your money as he or she can. I do wish you the best and thanks for posting to the HUB Time To Walk.

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      Time To Walk 6 years ago

      I have been married for 18 months. Everyone kids me that I have a trophy wife. I tell them she is a trophy wife, only good for putting on the shelf and out of site. I will give the most recent example, first of all, we both work but I pay all the bills except her cellphone, she pays that and her credit card bills. I was doing laundry, as I always do, on the third load washing after sort. She comes in the laundry room and says, where is my stuff, i know you better be washing my stuff since I cant remember the last time you bought laundry detergent. She picks any reason to fight, I have learned to walk away, if i try to argue i get frustrated to the point i want to slap her, i never thought in my life i could have thoughts like that. I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer Tuesday. I have been contemplating canceling the appointment, but after reading these comments, I see I must get out while young and we have no kids. Makes me cry to write this, i'm sorry honey, i tried.

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      Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

      I am happy to read your comment Nick. I hope your lives continue to be happier.

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      Nick 6 years ago

      For the first few years after diagnoses for bipolar she was in and out of hospital and caused hell for our lives.

      I had to stand by as she cut her wrists, swallowed poisons, over dosing, attempted hanging and many other ways of self harm.

      I now force her to take the medicine, it is the best thing I ever have done. Yes when I say force I mean physically and verbally every single day, at first I did not think it was worth the effort but now after a few months the medicine works just fantastic.

      She is stable and loving, she hates me for the medicine but her quality of life is 100 times better. She can now watch movies again, eat normally, help around the house and just about have a fairly normal life.

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      Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

      Glad to hear of your good fortune Kim. Not sure what it has to do with this Hub but still glad to hear of your good fortune.

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      kim 6 years ago

      powerful kumar,( wanted to inform you

      of something. Okay, I currently live with my ex-boyfriend's mom

      because her husband and my ex moved to South Carolina. Well, you

      performed the love retrieval spell for me. I work 3rd shift and when I

      came home this morning, my ex's truck

      was in the driveway. I just got up and we chatted for a few minutes

      and he told me that he was moving back home. I just wanted to share

      this good news with you. Thanks. Your friend Kim

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      Thornwall 6 years ago

      My wife is bi-polar and we have been married for almost thirty years. She has been diagnosed, but is in denial and refuses to take meds or go to counseling.

      I have had to hospitalize her twice through the years in order to save her life due to depression. My life, to put it bluntly, has been hell.

      She is a compulsive gambler (slots) and I handle everything to do with life... everything. I handle all monies and give her an allowance. She can eat, buy gas or blow it. But there won’t be any more until the next pay day.

      We have functioned like that for years. The one time we separated was over her gambling and that is how I worked it out.

      She works but only because I made her years ago in order to focus her energy somewhere else besides the home where she was making life miserable for us all. She complains constantly and will quit her job as soon as she can regardless of how it will affect us.

      Realities don’t figure into her equations, heck, she never even equates. She just reacts according to the mood, the moment and what she thinks will benefit her the most.

      She sleeps in one room, I another. Sex has been denied me for over a decade and a half. She just said one day that she didn't want to any more. Sex had been all that we had. But at this point, with her I don’t really care. She emotionally beat the love and desire out of me long ago.

      When young, she was intelligent, bright, sassy, naturally sexy, and a fiery girl. Now she is sad, unattractive (never made an effort otherwise) and when not in a casino or at work, lies in bed most of the time watching t.v. I've had pets that had deeper thoughts than this woman.

      Relationships aren’t a mystery to her because she doesn’t give them enough thought or effort to become a mystery. Not with me, the kids, or our grand-kids.

      I go my way, she goes hers.

      Why did I stay? Children. Its easy to say that you shouldn't stay in a bad marriage because of children, but for me it seemed like I had the exception. I couldn’t leave them with her and face myself in the mirror and I couldn’t guarantee getting them if we divorced. I certainly couldn’t get my step son and I wasn’t leaving without him.

      We were both single parents (bio-logical parents not in the picture) when we married and we had two more children. She would not let me adopt my step son, though he was illegitimate and lied to me for 2 ½ years as to who his father was. I have no idea why, as I didn’t know either the one she claimed or the one it turned out to be. It was before we met. She said that she had lied to perpetuate a lie she had told her father.

      All our children are grown and glad to be out. My children and I are very close because of the shared misery we have gone through because of this woman. They didn’t have a mom any more than I had / have a wife. My children even encourage me to get out now that they are grown. They know that I stayed for their sake. The last one left recently.

      So now here I am, retired, miserable, lonely and the keeper of someone whose finances are so entwined with mine that should I leave I'd end up eating beans in a trailer, loosing half or more of what I've managed to put together through the years, probably getting all or most of the debt we are in, despite two bankruptcies (medical bills with insurance) and clawing my way back up the credit ladder to the top again.

      I’m too old to leave behind what I have and I don't have the energy to rebuild my life and start over. Besides, where would I find a job in this market? I have tried with no luck.

      So here I sit.

      Take my advice, if you are young and married to a bi-polar who is in denial, then get out if you have no kids. If you have kids then fight for them and still get out if you can stay close to them and in their lives every day. They will smell the coffee eventually and levitate towards you. If you wait, getting out in the end will be much harder and will cost you more than you may be willing to spend. You could find yourself trapped like me.

      Got to run, the kids and I get together every week and tonight is the night.

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      WOW 6 years ago

      Nothing but tears on my end.

      God bless everyone.

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      vistory 6 years ago


    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

      I go back and read this HUB every once in a while. It reminds me of how difficult life was at the time. Three years have gone by. I can say that I never fought so hard in my life as I did in the year 2009. I then read the comments and think about so many people beginning the ordeal of divorce. Devastation and depression. How many turn to drugs and alcohol to cope? I see one commenter here who feels I am out of line by associating my ex-wife's behaviour with BiPolar disorder. I can say this ... I have continued to read about the disorder and feel confident that I have learned more than I ever thought I could about the disorder. My son sees her mood swings now. He was very young when the process started. I never bad mouth my ex to him. She bad mouths me on a regular basis to him. I do have examples but do not wish to share them here. Please keep fighting Nick and Bryan your children will appreciate it as they mature.

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      Nick 6 years ago

      Dear Dewey, so many thanks for this wonderful blog. It has helped me greatly comprehend my life. I have read many many articles on BPD over the last 2 years, but none has had "hit home" with me in such a manner as your own blog. There are SO MANY similarities in our experience with our (ex) partners, it is just unbelievable! As if you have lived my life and vice versa! You should consider writing a book because you definitely have a great writing style, as also commented by other posters. God bless you on your 2nd chance at life, and for creating this blog. I am sure it shall provide healing to many men around there and for years to come.

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      Nick 6 years ago

      Bryan, my ex-wife is 29 yrs too. We too have a daughter together (now 6 yrs old)... And she exhibited the same behavior...a rollercoaster ride it is indeed, all the signs of bipolar or ASD were/are there: the rage (physical attacks against my body and whatever property), the denial, the lies, the overspending, the excuses for everything possible, the blaming others, not taking responsibility, the cheating, the profanity outbursts over nothing, the jealousy creating havoc in my work- and social scenes and also against all members of my family, the feeling of superiority she had at times, the fleeing thoughts and changing of tastes and behaviors at a whim. Then there were moments of pure bliss also, just as if nothing bad had happened, and it was expected of me that i'd just erase the past and continue my relationship with a clean slate (she actually used same words)...we also went to Disney World this year but i'd already knew that it would be our last trip together..i did it for my daughter. The wife always complained to me in the 7 yrs together even after the trip, that we never did anything, that we never did travel. We travelled at various times however, but it was a waste of time to convince her and reflect on the past. 2 years past she cheated, leaving the city with another man and leaving me tending for our 4 year old daughter. She came back after 3 silent weeks and with police at my parents house to claim back my daughter. With lies and manipulation she got the police to believe her that I had harassed her and secuestered our daughter. I got jailed too for 1 day, until the court let me loose due insufficient proof. My wife was gone and lived with my daughter at the Lover's house, there was nothing I could do...then 1 month later it comes crawling and bawling back with promises of change. She went to a psychiatrist and psychologist to attend to the incontrollable rage outbursts but never went back after 1-2 meetings with them...always blaming ME and also the shrinks. There was never a conclusion as to what exactly was ailing her, in my opinion a shrink will need a LOT of time with her, living with her actually, in order to be able to look through the facades of these liars and manipulators. During that cheating incident I started googling "cheating and rage"...and O my God...then i saw the terminoligy of "bipolar" and with the description of ALL those symptoms i was experiencing with her. I must tell you that my mouth fell open with shivers on my back when I discovered this....i am sure that my ex-wife has this, however it has never been profesionally confirmed. However, my 7 years living with her were enough for me to conclude that there is a high probability it is in fact this or another mental disorder. I already felt emotionally numb and i did not even want to have sex anymore with this monster...mind you, she is very beautiful and attractive, but this monster inside had destroyed many emotions within me. I am finally divorced, i could not muster the courage to petition it myself, so in one of her manic episodes and when those feelings of superiority in her flourished, she decided to do it herself. I am divorced now with 50-50 custody and paying alimony for my kid. The only thing I have regretted is not having petitioned for primary custody. I would never want to seclude my daughter from her mom though. After 1 month of the divorce she is living with another guy, which she was seeing already during the last stretch of our marriage. I have cried my tears, i did everything a good husband would do, but my home is wrecked. These people will never change, medication is the only solution to this mental problem, if and if it has been concluded that she has such problem. Over the years a path of total destruction has been left behind in my household. i should have cut her loose 2 years ago when she cheated on me for the first time. Tom, I recommend you that you do not get a 2nd child with this woman....i have been pressed for a 2nd kid also at various times, but i resisted this persistently, conidering the havoc i experienced a lot of times. Besides, the illness can be hereditary and passed on to your children. I also recommend you to GET OUT if and if she seeks no consultation and treatment. Else, mark my words, they will never change! I am SO glad I am divorced now, it is so peaceful in my home right now...i want to dedicate to my daughter and pick up studies again. I recommend delving into EFT and NLP....these have definitely helped me process my pain and grief. Please check out everyone!

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      Bryan 6 years ago

      my wife is 29 years old by the way!

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      Bryan 6 years ago

      Tom, I know what you going through. Reading your story is like looking back on the last four years of my marriage. Our arguments always started over money, she was an impulse buyer. She owned four cars in the 10 years we were together, rolling over her payments on three of the four cars. We bought a 12,000 car for close to 20,000 b/c she had to have a new car. she would always start craft projects but never finish them. She started making bows, then went to making blankets, meanwhile I have boxes and boxes of bows that she intended to sell and never did. I have two bags full of yarn for two blankets that are half complete. My daughter’s dresser has been half painted now for 8 months because my wife started it and never finished.

      Your comment about arguing over money all the time is exactly what my wife and i would do. It was always my fault we never had money, my fault bills never got paid on time and we were late paying them. She racked up a 500.00 cell phone bill sending and receiving over 11,000 text messages in a one month span. Later I found out she was cheating on me with multiple men. I'll get to that later. No matter how many times I asked to take over the Bills she would refuse saying she needed to be in control. Then finally she relented only to take it back b/c I spent too much on the Bills trying to pay down our debt with extra money. She would buy food at the grocery store for her lunches but yet go out to McDonalds, her office cafeteria or Dunkin Donuts 3 times a week for coffee and lunch. So i bought her a Kureg so she could make her own coffee she used that for about a month and then claimed it was broken. I don't drink coffee so I had no use for it.

      It just seemed like all we did was argue over money. She claimed that my mother was bi polar and would always tell me she hated my mother, and then a few days later she loved my mother. This went back and forth and to this day still does. She would tell me how she wouldn’t talk to her friends b/c they never called and she was tired of trying but once they called it was like nothing ever happened. One day last June she blew up at her brother over a pot of baked beans b/c he was eating healthy and she thought he was making fun of her by eating baked beans. They didn’t talk for over a month.

      This July we booked a trip to Disney and talked about having another baby we currently have a beautiful 3 year old girl. Well August came around and my life as I knew it changed forever. My wife and I had gone out for some drinks with her friends and when we came home she said she was going back out to see a few friends and asked if I minded. I said No by all means go ahead, I usually let her do what she wanted to keep the peace within reason. Well That night she never came back till 730 the next morning. I asked where she had gone and she said she was out with her friends having coffee in the next town over about 20 miles away. I just explained I was worried b/c this was not like her she never wanted to go anywhere and to get to go out was like pulling teeth so for her to be out over night was odd. That day I get an email from her at work asking if she could have dinner with an old friend from high school. I said no b/c we had plans to go out just the two of us on a date and I didn’t know who he was I had never heard of him, well she made up every excuse as to why she needed to go out with this guy. I reluctantly agreed under some conditions. Well she ended up cheating on me with this guy and told me every detail of their affair even down to the size of his cock piercings and how amazing they were! All the while keeping this grin on her face much like a sneer.

      She told me she never loved me, that I was a 10 year rebound, that she couldn’t stand to be in the same room with me, the thought of having sex with me or touching me made her want to vomit! She’s in “LOVE” with this other guy he has money, he treats her right, he is her soul mate! She had the nerve to ask me for the title of my car so she could trade it in so the two of them could get a car together. And I would get her car as payment. Now this guy was an ex marine who had two failed marriages and currently works as a stock boy at a grocery store. I have a Master’s degree and work for a Museum. Talk about a step down. Her affair with this asshole lasted about a month before he tossed her ass to the curb and found some other girl to “hook up with” I found email correspondence on our computer where he referred to my wife as a friend who hung out with him while she was visiting her parents.

      She moved out a month ago to live with a friend at her new job where she has been called into the office twice and has missed almost two weeks of work since August. Her new friend and her experiment with bi sexuality now, she drinks all the time, she has taken up smoking, has slept with at least 4 other men that I know of, she has admitted to me one of the four. She continues to tell me she is no longer attracted to me. And will not be coming back. You may ask why I’m telling you this, well b/c every time I pull away she comes crawling back. Since she has moved out she has spent two days at our old place, she had all her friends send their Christmas cards to my address, she uses terms like we and us all the time. She called to wish me a Happy Birthday, she’ll call me Friday and Saturday to tell me where she is going, what she is doing, and who she’ll be with. But if I bring up coming back, or seeking professional help she turns her back on me and walks away only to come back in a few days. Asking how I’m doing, how “we” need to do this or do that. How her day is, stuff that a married couple would talk about.

      I currently have primary custody of my daughter. I went to talk to a lawyer about Custody and Divorce just to see my options and know what to expect. Well she found out by looking in my phone and my texts, she blew up at me saying that I was wrong to go see a lawyer and she couldn’t trust me b/c I lied to her and how dare I go see a lawyer! She made this whole big argument up b/c I saw a lawyer to see what options I have. We are currently separated, But no matter how much I want to hate her I can’t do it! I still Love her, she was my best friend and when the times are good they are really good, but our marriage has always been a roller coaster ride and call me crazy but a large part of me wants her back, and wants to help her. She refuses to see anyone about her illness; she takes anti-depressants, ant-anxiety and high blood pressure meds. Her last Dr’s appt. her BP was 189 over 90 and she was on BP med’s so I’m worried about her health among other things, if not for me but for our daughter!

      I believe she has bi polar it runs in her family, and she has had suicidal thoughts in the past.

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      Gabby 6 years ago

      Tom, please don't take her back. You deserve better than that. Your children deserve better than that.

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      Tom 6 years ago

      My wife came to get her stuff after 4 days. When she came she brought a police officer. Why would she do that? Maybe she thinks she should hurt for what she has done to me. It's been over one month now and I still havn't heard from her once. After twenty years of marriage and three kids together you would think she could atleast talk to me. Tell me she doesn't want to be with me anymore but instead she does the same thing she did the first time she left, tells me she will be back and than never comes home. It's not fair for her to make me and my kids believe she wanted to come home and be with us, telling us that she coming home for four months. Than when she finnally comes home all she can do is think about the man she was with the last six months. Why does she not talk to me? Is she bi polar or chemical imbalance, she had been having hot flashes before she left for another man, we believed it was menapause. Would that affect the way she thinks? She always loved to smoke weed also and I was mad about that because we had quit for over a year and she started smoking again, I wanted to be better people and get a better job, I went to trucking school and got my CDL but after I went to my new job I realized this was not the right job for me, I hated being all alone, so I came home after a week, my wife said we would work things out, but she decided to sleep with another man and leave. I should of never taken her back, everyone said not to take her back, because of how cold she was didn't talk to me for two months, I told her now she did exactly what I asked her not to do, I said please tell me if you want to leave dont lie and not come home and not talk to me, I still think about her is there something she needs help with, I always thought she needed to me on medication she was always upset and arguing, I save a lot of money without her, and the house is a lot more peacefull, I guess I should be happy and move on, I took care of my wife for 19 years she just got a job as a waitress at a truck stop last year and couldn't resiet the temptation of other men flirting with her, the guy she's with lives in single wide small trailer in a park in a bad side of town, she could of atleast found a winner not a loser like him. Please give me any advice you can. Why do I feel like I would still take her back after all she did to me and put me through?

    • Alex Singleton profile image

      Alex Singleton 6 years ago from Surf City USA CA

      Now I understand what's going on Thanks.

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      Tom 6 years ago

      My wife slept with onother man after 20 yrs of marrige,evey night she would leave to her friends she would say wich ended up being her lover, then one night she never came home, left her phone and didn't talk to me for 2 months and filled for divorce for respect for me she said. The last 4 months she has called me all the time to tell me she loves me and want to come to her family we have 3 teenagerd, finally on the 27th she comes home but whenever I ask if will you be hear when I get home from work she says I dont know, wich made me very upset, why come home than,I love her very much, but theres something wrong upstairs, she called him all the time told me she loved us both, on the 30th 4 days she went to his house to get the rest of her stuff at 11pm and never returned, I have been asking her to get her stuff but she wont talk to me or come. She said I treated her great, but felt like she belonged over there. She broke my heart twice. What is wrong with her?

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

      I did read your Hub Dday and appreciate the comment. I still believe that had my ex sought a medical diagnosis she would have learned about her self. I am happy for you and your family that you had the courage to go to the doctor and get the opinion. My Ex still hasn't done that.

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      Darrel Day 6 years ago from Iowa

      please read my hub titled Blame it on being Human...

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      Robert 7 years ago

      Ummm, Sure looks that way plus a whole lot more: ADD, OCD, BPD. The condition is part of a syndrome. Drop the woman, change the locks, move in the opposite direction as fast as your feet can carry you. If you educate yourself on the statistics & negative impact these people have then you must conclude that you fell in love with a psycho (Did she "Love Bomb" you at 1st? Gave you everything she could to snag you? That was an act.)

      BiPolar women are complete & total frauds as human beings. They are evil to the core. They will lie, cheat, manipulate & after destroying the relationship turn around & blame you! When you start being called words like controlling, abusive then you know it is past time to end it. These people are not worth the misery they bring. Life is to short, find a healthy mate.

      The law (police) will not protect you. Get a lawyer & see her in court. Do not even discuss this, just end it & move on. For a full retrospective go to Shrink4Men (for your epiphany to 1/6 of the b i t c h e s out there)

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      KeviKev 7 years ago

      @Author : Dawg! I feel-yo-Pain, Bro! We can join Al Bundy's NOMAME group. This is probably the first written material I've read, I'd pay for that book, too.

      @Tatjana-Mihaela : Ok! 1st off, thanks for your response... I surprised that I'd agree with your analysis, maybe shes not Bi-Polar... you could be right.

      But then you go to far about...Alcohol... next time make sure to re-categorize and re-define that your talking about 100% of Alcoholics (those lo-life's go to meeting) ...and that your not lumping in the Majority of alcohol Consumers with those "Alcoholics".

      I'm a "Functional" Drunk; never, not once, have I had alcohol in my system when my daughter (3yr) was around. GOT THAT.... but more than just "likely"... not that dissimilar to that of the author "I have a Bi-Polar" (...or as you put it "Emotionally Immature") wife + a full fledged all consuming thunder-cunt of a sponged-ass biz-nit-ial..of a Mother-N-Law! Note that the mother-n-law can't sponge off of my wife & I ... cause collectively there's never any money! Thanks hunh! I am married, but only because of my Mother-N-Law, I feel like I am "divorced", my daughter is always with her (I'd prefer my daughter to be with a baby sister, then that old-ass loser bitch)... I, too, work days travel 100 miles round-trip to work; whilst my wife works nights and all-sorts of week-end hours. I get to see my daughter on week-ends and Monday nights! Not only is this som'ol bull $%^&... but, this N-Law.. can control mine Emotionally Immature wifey... to the point that my daughter (age mutha-f'n 3yr) has been allowed by the wifey to go to Oregon for 6wk's without my permission; my wife says... oh, your trippin, I re-thought it over (meaning: the 6-9 times I told my mother no it was too long, she took her anyway...) and it's the last time she'll have to see her three (3) cousins. I'm gonna write a book .. bout "How, yo bitch ass almost got KIA" ...or "I'm gonna &^%$#$#@ that OLD as bitch, and piss on her grave".

      The sadiest part is that my f#$%ing wife, don't drink, don't buy anything that we can point at and say"theres were the money goes". She's just over-weight, and clinically depressed, and her mother sucked at being a mother (probably the drugs and alcohol, and being wife-beaten)... but my wife is always trying to do everything to please this bi#$h, like "Mom, will you now love me like you love my brother and sister"... I've been married 10yr's and now that my daughter is here... I need advice, how to stop my loser wife, from using my daughter to vie for her mother attention and affection!

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      cmgalvan01 7 years ago

      oh my god man reading your story was like reading my own life with my ex wife i went through almost exactly shoot forget that i went through the same exact thing you went though the cheating the excuse's the money everything my divorce was final febuary 6th 2011 i know exactly what your going through my ex's mom and 2 of her brothers an our 2nd oldest is bipolar but my ex wife refuses to accept she is the only thing you can do unfortunatly is to walk away an live your life

    • Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

      Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

      I am very sorry because of your life-experience.

      I don`t think your wife was bipolar - she obviously married just because it is tradition to get married, not because she really wanted to.How can anyone be happy and normal when is doing something what deeply down does not want to do? Unfortunatelly very many people rush into the marriage and responsibility while not being ready for that, what clearly happened with your wife - she was just- immature to accept higher level of responsibility then she could cope with. Emotional maturity comes with life-experience and lack of it is not symptom of any mental disease.

      Further problem - your ex worked only night shifts - what always creates huge hormonal imbalance - anger, nervoussness, change in the mood and lack of touch with reality -are normal for majority of people who constantly work night shifts - nerves and hormones cannot be stable when one cannot sleep during the night time. Your wife never had real rest - for what normal human being requires sleeping during the night time and working during the day, not the vice versa. Brain cells regenerate mainly during the night sleep - at that time when she was supposed to regenerate her brain and nerves, what would make her more aware, mature, happy and realistic, she was - at work. Women are even much more sensitive on irregularities of sleep then men - because of biological resons. When hormones are in mess- human behaviour becomes big mess as well, hormones influence all our emotional reactions, moods, logic, ability for learning from life-experience, brain functions etc...Your wife would would be certainly much more emotionally stable, normal, logical and able to perceive reality if she was working during the day all these years. Now damage is done.

      And the most important: alcohol - alcoholism is well known poison for mind, emotions and brain&nerves - nobody who drinks is normal, neither has healthy perception of reality. Alcoholism is not bipolarity, alcoholism is sad reality of our society - statistics say that up to 80% of people have alcohol problem and all negative consequences of drinking. Alcohol creates sociopathic behaviour, mood changes, mania, constant dissatisfaction with life, blaiming the others...and many other symptoms...if she still drinks, she will be - worse. Even when people stop to drink they usually need several years to regain emotional stability. Alcoholism is disease - and requires healing.

      Of course, for you might be easier to suspect that she has inherited mental disorder - but what impact your assumption, that is not proven, can have on your boys and their future?

      I wish you all the best.

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 7 years ago

      I am glad to read that you have set up an appointment with your doctor. That is the hardest step. I begged my ex to see her doctor. When she did, I don't think she was truthful with her doctor. I hope you are. The doctor will not be able to help you unless you are honest. I know I have my slant on the things I write here but I try to be honest. If you can't be honest with yourself then who can you be honest with? My ex told me that I never did anything. It never bothered me when she said it. I knew it wasn't the truth. Even her own father would back me up on that one. So you need to be honest. I wish you and your family the best.

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      cheri 7 years ago

      I think I may be bipolar. I have already set up and appointment with my doctor. I feel so sorry for my husband and my kids. I love them so much and they shouldn't have to deal with this. My husband struggles to take care of us. He pays almost all of the bills. I pay one bill and maybe buy groceries. My check is gone in one day. I blow it on clothes and everything else I think we need. I always feel like we need something. I can't clean because I always get distracted and never finish. My husband does a lot. He is even trying to make it so that I won't have to pay any bills. Don't get it wrong though. My husband has A LOT of problems too. I think he may be bipolar at times. But I have to focus on myself first. I sometimes get so happy that I feel Like I am a queen and I feel I am on top of the world. That's when I go on my spending spree and I get on a sexually high. I'm so happy that I can't be still or stop talking. Then I get so depressed. I cry, I sleep, I want to die. The only reason I don't kill myself is because of my kids. I would never hurt them in that way. They are my life. I haven't mention any of this to my husband. Just going to the doctor first. Oh and that part earlier mention. . . I tell my husband all of the time that he does nothin, that he is selfish, that he doesn't love or care about me. And the thing is I really believe it until he breaks down everything he does for me and how he tries to make my life comfortable. Then I understand. But why couldn't I see that at first? Next week it will be the same thing again. I don't really do anything wreck less except for the spending. Would never hurt my kids. I don't even give them spankings. I hate talking about bills. I really need help because I can't put my family through this anymore.

    • atienza profile image

      atienza 7 years ago from Northern California

      Don't get hung up on "naming her disorder". Just know that she is either mentally or emotionally unstable (possibly both) and do your best to minimize the harm she does to you and your kids. A diagnosis in psychiatry is merely an umbrella term for a group of symptoms. Often the symptoms of one disorder will overlap another. Even mental health professionals often misdiagnose! The main objective would be to get her symptoms treated and under control. If I had to guess based on your description, it sounds like she may be dealing with a personality disorder (either histrionic or borderline), and I'm sure she's depressed because she can't be happy trashing herself and everyone around her the way she does. It sounds like more of a therapy issue than a medication issue, which means she's got a long road ahead of her to get anywhere near better. She just doesn't ring true of bipolar to me. Basically there's just no way to know until she gets some help. Just take care of you so you can take care of your kids. Everything else will happen as it should.

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      Hepseba  7 years ago

      If you are bi polar get a doctor who understands your illness. If you work with a doctor, you can achieve miracles. You are worth it!

      I wish you all the very best. You have tough choices to make. I know from personal experience.

      If a person will not get diagnosed, seek treatment, take medication if prescribed. Do not be an enabler.

      You can not control a bi polar person and you can not change them with love alone. If that was all it took there would be a lot less bi polar people.

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      Herbie 7 years ago

      Trevor: Same here. You're not alone. It's an impossible situation I have, but I can't get out of it because my wife would not have any way to survive in the world without me.

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      Trevor 7 years ago

      Your story is me to the t. I have no clue what to do

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 8 years ago

      I wonder if there are degrees of the mania. I have heard of the stories of parents harming their children. I will add to my HUB here that my ex wife is a loving and caring mother who would not harm her children. Actually had to re-read this hub and see if maybe I might have given a wrong impression some how. Re-reading it brought back so many thoughts and one of them is.....she still is the same when it comes to clothes.

    • LarasMama profile image

      LarasMama 8 years ago from a secret location, Australia

      Great hub! I have a similar experience - with my mother. She slit my throat as a toddler and many other things but my father stuck by her in and out of hospital until she cheated on him and he'd had enough.... I really think that if they can't control it then they don't deserve people to look after them. Mum cost my dad thousands...

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 8 years ago

      Many points in your comment ring a bell with me Woody. My ex constantly told me I did nothing around the house. Her own friends and family would tell me "you're a good man". It was very frustrating to hear the complaint that I did nothing. It's as if she was in an altered reality.

      I see the same thing in your statement about your arguments. You use logic and reason and she is just venting. That was how it was for me. As I read more I found that people who have Bipolar disorder don't see the same reality as people who don't suffer from the disease.

      Same goes for the "you only think about yourself point" you mention. I got that too. "It's always about you, isn't it?" In fact it was never about me. I put my wife and kids first. Then my career and then my extended family. I did nothing but go to work and come home for over 10 years.

      I can say this. I like being divorced. I have a life again. I didn't want divorce. Now I have learned that it's a whole new lease on life. Meeting people. Having some time to myself.

      You mentioned that your wife sees only the negative things. I am gonna bet that she thinks all this negativity stems from you. She may even go to counseling. My ex did. She would come home and tell me that her counselor says "I need to get rid of the negativity in my life" Well when all you see is negativity then you'll never get rid of it.

      I often wondered if when she went to counseling did she even tell her counselor the truth? I bet she told the counselor I did nothing around the house and was a cheapskate who never wanted to go anywhere. The reason I didn't want to go anywhere was because we were 10's of thousands of dollars in debt and I feared that eventually we were going to lose our house.

      I suggest that you speak with her doctor Woody. Maybe you even go to the same doctor she goes to. I tried it. Our doctor agreed with me. He told me "Sounds to me like your wife is bipolar". He told me that there was nothing he could do to make her come get tested but that he would screen her for it if possible. He ended up moving out of state before that ever happened.

      I wish you well Woody. Life is tough and then you deal with people who make it so much harder. I also wish you good health.

      Take care of yourself. Your kids are what your focus should be now.

    • profile image

      Woody_1 8 years ago

      Thank you all for your openness and willing to share your stories! I am just starting to learn about these things as a friend suggested to me that my wife might have bipolar. At first I thought no, she is just mean and nasty, but as I started reading the symptoms I began to change my mind. As many of you stated, I try to be a good husband by doing the laundry, shopping, cleaning etc. But it is never enough. I have the added burden that Last year my kidneys gave out so I am on dialysis now, three times a week for 4 hours. Not only do I get no support from my wife, but not even a kind word. She doesn't even ask me how I feel anymore. Worse than that, she has said that I am to blame and that I use my illness as a crutch. That is far from the truth because even on days I'm not feeling well; I still manage to do the bulk of the housework. I take care of myself. She blames me for us not being able to go on vacation. She is easily upset over small things and always has something negative. She says she does not want to be inconvenienced at all. She complains about everything and says I do nothing. We have two kids and because our daughter is nearly two, I was thinking she just feels the pressure because she does work part time. But she is overly attached to her mother and spends a lot of time over there..sometimes all week. So I figure something must be wrong, but being an introspective person I always try to look at myself and see if I am doing things wrong or if i could be doing anything better. However, as we started to have more arguments I realized that whatever I said didn't matter, no matter how logical or compromising. But the insults increased, the erratic mood swings just get worse and I had to finally tell her I am not arguing anymore and I will just ignore you when you start. Then someone mentioned to me about bipolar and I started researching and asking.

      My wife has no friends because she always finds fault with someone and feels everyone is out to get her. As I think about it now she has always been the victim in every relationship. I can't tell you how many times she told me she's been betrayed. As i think about the past 15 years, most of the splits have been her fault, but she cannot see that. She can never admit any wrong doing or wrong thinking and she has the bad habit of telling me I only think about myself, so if I give my point of view I am being selfish. speaking of selfishness, that is another aspect that I have a hard time dealing with. She has a car but she says she does not trust me to drive it. I am an excellent driver and very responsible person with the cleanest driving record you could ever hope to find. She bought the car many years ago without my knowledge so she will say things like I never wanted her to have the car. I was mad at the time but I got over it. Somehow, in her mind she thinks I will crash the car in spite. So she creates these scenarios in her mind and no amount of talking or reasoning can change it. She despises my family, even though they have helped and supported us from day one. I could go on and on, but I think you get the message now.

      Based on your experiences, does this sound like bipolar or the other condition someone mentions..the borderline personality disorder? I'm at a loss. We were separated for 7 years but decided to try again three years ago. I thought she had changed a bit but she did not. I was concerned for my son because he is 14 now and displaying some anti social behavior. She acts the same way with him sometimes with the yelling and mood swings but thankfully I have been able to intervene for him and she is not as bad with him now, but I'm when I'm not around I worry. Our daughter is two so I am watching her too but my daughter seems to have a different personality altogether and is a tough little cookie. She will need that spirit. If I had known about these disorders I would have addressed them before we even got back together so I take the blame for that. I just thought it was some emotional issues that a loving person could help to work out but I now know it’s much deeper than that. She has an overbearing and possessive mother who didn't even show up at the wedding because she didn't want her to get married. So I am wondering if that is one of the causes for her disorder.

      My major question after all this is : How do I bring this up that she may have one of these conditions, without her flying off or saying I'm the crazy one. etc etc. maybe there is no way to avoid that but I just wanted to ask for some suggestions and/or guidance. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I'm praying for everyone to have peace and some happiness in their lives!

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 8 years ago

      Thank you for taking the time to read my Hub Suiiki. I also have read that bipolar can be hereditary and have been watching closely the behavior of my two boys. They both went through a lot the last 2 years and I see positive signs that they are surviving and beginning to heal. It must be hard to be a person who knows he is bipolar and I commend you for taking the steps to get the diagnosis. It may help your wife to know that you at least admit that you struggle with the disease at times. I wish your family the best.

    • Suiiki profile image

      Suiiki 8 years ago from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead

      Take it from someone who has the disease: your ex-wife is most definitely bipolar!

      My wife and I fight all the time, and I just cannot concentrate long enough to do anything around the house. I've been in a mixed cycle for weeks, which means that things just get worse. I'm doing all right for the moment, but I was supposed to do the dishes and walk to see my wife at work and make a walmart run with her nearly three hours ago. I had an episode and it didn't get done. Now my wife is (rightfully) upset at me for breaking yet another promise.

      The difference between you ex and me, however, seems to be the simple fact that I know when I am wrong, and I admit it and make amends. It's later than planned, but I am going to get up off my butt and go do the dishes now, then get dinner started. Because I know that if I don't do it now, it won't get done, and then my wife will do it when she comes home from work. And I will spend all night begging her to stop and spend time with me, and we will both feel hurt in the end.

      Your ex-wife's problems are not her fault, but that doesn't excuse her from taking responsibility for herself when she messes up. I do not have a bank card, because I don't work right now, and when I do get one, it will stay in a drawer. I will allow myself about $100 every two weeks for my own spending money, because otherwise, I will run myself into debt (I've already had to dig myself out once.)

      I'm worried about your children. The children of untreated bipolar parents have it the worst, they never know what to expect. you should try to get custody. Perhaps a court order for a psychiatric evaluation is needed.

    • Lynne1110 profile image

      Lynne1110 8 years ago from Somewhere inside my head

      All of your stories just break my heart! I honestly feel pain in my heart for you. I have recently been told I am most likely bi-polar. (Don't have the money for full testing) I have done some of the things that you talk about to my husband. I have never told him I hate him, but I don't think I have shown him how much he is appreciated. The manic waves that a bi-polar personality can go through is so hard on everyone involved. I have a concience so I would feel regret after a bad episode. It does not sound like the women you all are talking about know anything about regret or remorse. I am so sorry that you have gone through what you did. I do fear that I could pass my 'mental defect' on to my children. It sounds like you are a wonderful father! Please make sure that you are educated on the signs and symptoms for your childrens sake. Keep up the good work.

      Most bi-polar types are only self destructive and self harming. I do not think that you need to worry about your own safety but I would never presume to know what is in some ones head. Good luck to you! Please know that all bi-polar people are not as callous as those that have been described above.

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 8 years ago

      Heartfelt Comment Michael and believe me I feel your pain. I went throught the denial of thinking that my wife could not possibly be cheating on me. I will say one thing. There is no reason a Mom should be staying out till 5 am or later. There are signs to look for Michael. Does she leave the room when her cell phone rings? New underwear? New jewelry? The best advice I got was to keep a journal. I hope you do this. Document everything. Divorce is like a death. No one actually dies.... it's the death of a family unit. Personally for me counselling did nothing but bring up things from the past that caused us to start arguing when things had been going well. May be different for others. I tried as hard as possible to change for her. Now I realize it's a two way street. I am really much better off with out her. She continues to act erratically and get involved with dysfunctional relationships. I know it's hard now. It does get better Michael. Maybe you could try to get her to read about the affects of divorce on children. You sound like a great Dad. Focus on that as you fight to save your family.

      Hang in there. There's lots of men just like us.

    • profile image

      michael 8 years ago

      well i was seaching for different things cause here lately my wife has started going back out at night and sometimes she wont come home till two am or like most of the time it is seven am we have two boys together ones five the other is two she seems to always put her friends before me and our kids she works in the day comes home to change or just grab a bite to eat then she is gone again we have been married for five years and our anniversary is coming up in a few days i used to work in the oilfield and have been layed off so money is kinda tight right now we dont argue over it all that often and i try real hard to keep a clean house but she is such a slob i know i have did my fair share of wrongs and i just felt like this was payback for me being such an arss at times but now it is starting to seem like there is more to it than that she has talked to a lawyer about the big D word which scares me because i love her very much and would like to keep my family together and im not sure about the conseling i kind of think it is a step we need to take but i noticed she hides a lot of things from me and lies to me a lot and lies to her friends when i actually do manage to keep her home i try to live my life by the truth no matter what i have done i try to set the best guidelines for my kids i know they will make mistakes along they're way thats part of life but i try to let them know that truth will get you farther in life than all the lies that pile up and get hard to remember now i know i have been told i am bi polar and i have went to a dr and was told there was nothing wrong with me maybe he was just having an off day or im really not bi polar but i do have an uncle that is in a home for a mental condition so when she yells and me and tells me its my fault over things i really try to look back and recall what i have done i know i try to fix everything and not everything can be fixed i guess what im really wanting to know is the step toward counseling really worth the effort i really never hear anything good about it or should i try to take her in to get checked for bi polar cause it does seem she has some symptoms of it i try not to believe she is cheating on me because i know thats a bad thought to get started but i seen this post and from a man that has gone thru it so i thought maybe your advice would be more educated than my friends who have yet to even find one girl to stay with anyways feel free to email me with any thoughts that maybe helpful email kersteine at live dot com you know i always told myself i would never spread my life story across the world wide web but now that my family is falling apart i am reaching for answers from anywhere in hope that i may fix it before its to late

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 8 years ago

      Dave, I can relate to the hurtful things that your wife says to you. I would listen to my ex wife tell me that she could not stand the sight of me and that she could not stand the sound of my voice anymore. These were hurtful things as I worked to save my family and my marriage. She still calls me almost daily and blames me for the problems in her life even though we have been divorced for over a year. I would caution you to make sure that if you do file for divorce, do nothing that she can take as a threat. Not even yell at her. Ignore her. If you own a home make sure you stay in that house no matter how tough it gets. She will do anything to get you out. One more thing. Start a journal and record the days events. This was one more good piece of advice I got. My journal was therapeutic for me and it was also a great way to remember everything. I still re-read it on occasion to remember why my marriage was indeed over. My ex called me the other night. She was upset because our youngest son drew a picture of our family for Valentine's Day. In the picture my son was crying and he then asked her "why did you and Daddy break up". I believe that her phone call was a reach out to try to patch things up. I recall her telling me that my efforts to save the marriage were too late many times. The divorce is final. The nasty mean things are still fresh in my memory. Now it IS to late to reconcile. I wish you the best.

    • profile image

      *Dave* 8 years ago

      My wife is bipolar and although much better since she went on medication, she still has relapses that occur too often. I try to be understanding but admittedly eventually lose my nerve. There are many good times, but I can't enjoy them or love her anymore because of all the bad things she says to me. It is so hard to deal with her when she is in an irrational state. She doesn't really understand my need to work and make a career, and spends most of her free time playing computer games. Prior to going on medication she would hit me when I gave up listening to her and tried to sleep, such as at 1.30 am even. She also slit her wrists, though not since going on medication. I am concerned she may relapse and do something violent to me, especially if she hates me at the time. We have been together 1.5yrs and I have tried to keep going despite not feeling like doing so sometimes. Now, after her most recent comments, and having some time away from her for work reasons, I think I have finally realised I have to leave her. I fear moving back out of my comfort zone, and losing the friendship I share with her, and financial troubles due to separation, but they should not hold me to her. I certainly do not want the added complication of having kids with her, let alone the possiblity they may be bipolar. I think I will have to do it for my own saftey and sanity. What does anyone think?

    • Dewey Cheatem profile image

      Dewey Cheatem 8 years ago

      I appreciate the comments and the shared experiences I get with this hub. It is by far the most viewed hub I have written. I hope it helps others who are going through relationships with bipolar people.

    • crazybeanrider profile image

      Boo McCourt 8 years ago from Washington MI

      To have bipolar there must be the component of depression as well as mania. She sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder. Your ex-wife has more problems than just a possible mental disorder. Borderline is more of an emotional disorder where as bipolar is a mood disorder caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.

      It isn't about denying our behaviors, and it is quite possible she doesn't know. Until she decides to seek treatment she will continue to grow worse sadly. Protect yourself and your boys and check out the Borderline Personality Disorder website.

      I am glad you decided to leave and start a new life. She has from what I read no intention of seeking a better way of life. No one should put up with being outrightly abused. I am bipolar and it took several years for me to finally find a diagnosis and a treatment plan. I went through many relationships, I hurt people I am sure. Hopefully I make my amends along the way. I hope she is able to come face to face with her diagnosis for your sons well being.

      I wish you the best


    • profile image

      reeltaulk 8 years ago

      no need to ask....she already knows. Another sign of bipolar is the denial of their behavior. Even though they know they are beahving a certain way they never admit to it. they will constantly say it is you. things will never improve until she openly as well as internally admit to her wrong doings and change her behavior. She know that she is being wreckless by lying, mentally abusing her boys etc. She just doesn't want to accept responsibility. the fact that it has gotten better for you is Good! that is a good thing, for some people they never recover and you have been fortunate. do all that you can for your boys, you really need to be strong for them, cause god know what they are experiencing in her midst!

    • profile image

      kevin 8 years ago

      When I was reading this I almost couldn't believe it, it was like I was writing it. I was looking at my life for the last year. My wife did the same thing, and after the divorce was filed, she was diagnosed with bipolar. I am so hurt because my family was destroyed by this mental illness. I tried to take my wife to counseling but she stopped after 2 times. I wish I could have the answers, but all I know is that i tried to fix it, but it was to late the damage was done. I still am in counseling, because I have a hard time dealing with what had happen, I'm am printing this out, because i want to show my counseler this is what I went through. Well written

    • Edwin Shaw profile image

      Edwin Shaw 8 years ago

      Wow, you've been living in my house. I am going through a divorce right now. My wife hasn't cheated, that I know of but the signs she has shown look similar to your ex's. I feel she is definitely bi-polar. She can go from "I hate you!" to "I love you" in the course of one afternoon. She has thrown her ring at me repeatedly. I finally kept it. She gave me my divorce papers on July 4th. Rather apropos. She too had a family member who suffered from depression and ended up taking her own life. She idolizes this person and that fact scares me. She wants 50/50 custody of our kids but I find this rather troubling. We sought counseling before and during our short marriage. Of course I was always to blame. I am too loud was her biggest compliant. She is an only child and was coddled by her parents. No chores or responsibilities. I worked 60+ hrs a week while she stayed at home with our two little ones. She'd call me at work 4-5 times a day telling me she couldn't handle the stress and wouldn't be getting the chores done today. I'd tell her it was alright and I'd do them whence I got home. Looking back, I was the enabler. She drank herself into unconsciousness one night whilst I worked at the bar. Luckily a women friend stopped by after the wife called and was talking gibberish to her. She came over and found the kids awake, the house wide open and a half glass of rum on the dinning room table, amongst the three empty beer bottles, and empty bottle of wine. That was half full before I had left for work. I called her parents instead of the police. A bad decision in hindsight. They of course blamed me, for not being around. Unbelievable huh? Now we are in a divorce and I am finally feeling freer then ever before. I no longer have to cover up the hidden life I've had to live. I finally told my friends of this recently. I am the first born and only son and have tried to make everything alright, or at least give that appearance for far too long. I hope she gets help and am thankful I can be a better father to my kids with out having to be a parent to my soon to be ex as well. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your story. It helps me become more aware that I am not alone.

    • profile image

      Linda S. 8 years ago

      You know you should really consider writing a book. You are a wonderful writer, it is easy understanding and picture what you write about. I think that you are the kind of man that seldom comes along. I believe that you did everything you could to keep your marriage together and keep your family happy. I think that she was/is a selfish, self center spoiled brat. Just keep looking forward and keeping walking, you are on the right path. You are a great guy, you seem to be a wonderful man, and you especially are one of the best Dad's a kid could ask for. Let your heart be free, you may never understand what went/goes on with her. You are doing the right thing by your boys and for yourself. I believe the more you write , the freer you will feel inside yourself. Good for you. Take care.


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