Do You Suffer From The Itchy Ass?
Living With Itchy Ass
Ass itch is hard on a brother. I bet your butt itches too. We go through it. Sometimes for me it gets so bad I just want to rub my butt up against carpet or scratch it against a tree. Itchy ass is a global scourge affecting millions of untreated people every day. It used to be you could just go up in the mountains and dance with snakes over your head to cure it. That's what the mountain folks did, but 21st century society just doesn't approve of such things these days. To tell you the truth I'm afraid of snakes. I never found the combination of butt itch and snakes appealing, but I've thought about it. My great-grandpa told me stories about it. They had probems with itchy ass in the 70s too. Back then people were all zoned out on Crisco and LSD. My uncle Hernandez, my mother's brother on my father's side, he went through a terrible bout of it in 1975. Living in a Volkswagen bus, watching the flowers float in the sky, suffering with an itchy bootie. That's a hard life, especially back then before the joys of the internet. The hippie counter-culture had it rough. Hippies were living off in the woods without proper sanitation or hygiene. When the leaves were poisonous nearby, they did what they had to do. They had true pioneer spirit. How did they resolve their episodes of itchy ass? They didn't. Because they were hippies, sanitation and that vibe was just the Man trying to bring them down, trying to suppress their free speech man, and it wasn't considered organic and natural. I'm just going off second hand information. I was in a truck stop bathroom in north central Georgia a few months ago. You can learn many things in the bathrooms here, even the testimonials of peoples' struggles with itchy ass. I found they have boiled peanuts on sale too, buy one get one free in many places. Ricky B will sell you 50lbs for $10 dollars. He's off I-73 south, exit 281. Buford's Tire & Gas. Let the peanut be your crunchy delicious piece of nut goodness in your life. I learned this as well.
Back in the bathroom at Buford's, coincidentally I found that unmistakable presence of "the Itch" ever so deep in my pants. A maddening throbbing tingling sensation. It felt like a million ants dancing around furiously between my butt cheeks playing tug of war with my pubes. It was horrible. I've adjusted over the years. It was good to know that in places like bathroom stalls in north central Georgia, people feel my pain. These events have deeply traumatized and plagued me throughout my life. If you're afflicted with the butt struggles, be in good cheer my friend, for there is aid available for I.A.S (Itch Ass Syndrome). These remedies have brought me waves of warm comfort flowing from my butt to my toes over the years.
Wiping the Ass
Try Wiping Your Ass First
Sometimes when you run out of toilet paper, that can be a real bummer, and can shine a light of pure sorrow on anyone dealing with such admonishment. You cannot wipe your ass with the little pieces leftover stuck on the toilet paper roll. All you're doing is getting doodoo on your hands, and that's not very cleanly, and un-sportsmanlike at that. It's not worth it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, you need to find an article of clothing and wipe with it. It's going to be soaked with toilet water after you're done, and it's going to have doodoo smears. That's just the harsh realities of life, but it will relieve the itch whether it's doo-doo itch, or just plain itchy ass. It's recommended to dispose of the clothing immediately, or at minimum wash it in the creek and wear it again. The choice is yours. Use the toilet paper. That's why trees are there, for us to wipe our asses with. If you have to, use your socks. You can use paper towels too, but use lightly as they tend to clog toilets, as well as other items listed below:
- Toilet paper
- Aluminum Foil
- Butter Knife
- Paper Towel
- Sandpaper (for the extra grit)
Could It Be Butt Lice?
One overlooked cause of Itchy Ass is the infestation of Butt Lice. More common in tropical areas, Butt Lice are the smaller cousins of the American Lice. They often find a warm habitat in buttholes of those who sleep on dirty sheets or bags of rice, particularly brown rice. They are harmless and cause no damage. They live off the anaerobic gram positive bacteria living within your butt cheeks, helping you digest your food, and releasing bio-methane (i.e gas). You can harness the methane gas they produce when you sleep overnight and use it for lighting or home heating whenever the lean times come. Butt lice are audible, and can be heard by placing an ultra-high frequency inducive microphone next to your ass and recording for 2 hours. Once you've recorded two hours of audio, you play it back through speakers at 4x the speed you recorded, and you can hear them. Sometimes I wonder if they're aliens and the noise is them trying to communicate with their mother ship for an Earth takeover. You never know. It could happen. The only known method of treating Butt Lice currently is through the careful trained eye of a close friend and tweezers. Be sure the tweezers are sterile and that your friend is wearing surgical gloves. With a bright light, they will use the tweezers to pluck the Butt Lice out. You can either soak the Butt Lice in rubbing alcohol and dispose of them or save them in tupperware for use as an all-natural healthy protein additive. Buy your friend a beer after the lice picking, for that is a true comrade indeed.
Get In Contact With a Bulu Tribe
In parts of west Africa and west America you can find small pockets of the Bulu people. They typically live in tribes of 50 or less people in remote areas. During 500 B.C they developed an ancient writing form which narrated beautiful scenes of entire villages ridding themselves of itchy ass through the ritual known as "P'oulo'maka Ti". In Bulu this roughly means "Peace to Us". The Bulu people, similar to modern-day hippies suffered and continue to suffer greatly from Itchy Ass. They believe it be a sign from their Gods that rain is coming, and this causes them to dance around wildly. It is only after the shalamalik trance state of their elder leaders are they able to align their spiritual auras to receive the full benefit of good rains, and itch free booties. I've heard you can find them online, but I've been unavailable to get into contact with anyone from their tribes. If you know how I can reach the Bulu people, please contact me here. We all need itchy ass free lives, and I'm willing to swim buck naked through oceans of glass and nails to meet them.
Recently during a trek through the foothills of Bucksnort, TN I was burdened with a case of itchy ass that was like liquid tabasco hot coffee onion rings flaring up my ass. I had just pulled over for gas at a station there in town. I asked the lady at the counter if they had anything there that would stop the itch. The sweet old lady, her name was Ira Sue called the store across the highway that sold Adult Novelty Products. I never got a chance to see what type of novelty products they had, but the friendly people there gave me a tube of amazing product called Anal-Eze. This product is wonderful, it will completely numb your butt, eliminating the itch for up to 12 hours depending on use. Ira Sue said she used it for all sorts of things at her house. She pointed to a vase but I really didn't understand why. At least not then. At home I've found it useful for things like polishing furniture, fixing squeaky springs, treating acne and repelling bugs. It'll help the butt itch. If it can help my ass, it can help yours, and even Ira Sue's.
Could It Just Be You?
We've heard many stories of scientific study of people with Itchy Ass that were found to be attributed to schizophrenia, or caused by traumatic events in one's past. The best solution in this scenario is to check into the nearest medical facility and get evaluated. They can get you pills that will make the itch go away for a little while. It may even help with the ticking clock noises too. I'm just saying.Whatever the case, the best to you in your fight against the Itchy Ass. Let me know if you need any help! I can send links!
Toilet paper made of 100-percent recycled paper, You can't beat that.
Seal off the itch with Saran Wrap. Make sure to recycle the plastic when you're done.
For the extra gritty itch, sandpaper is the way to go. No itch will dare stand in the path of a good sandwiping.
Play-Dough works great to get the hard to reach spots, and comes in all sorts of cool colors you can mold and shape!
Tough situations require tough socks. Fortunately they're soft on the behind.
Make Ira Sue proud.
Butt Lice picking is no joke, and one should be ready to lay on their belly for hours while the butt lice picking is occurring.
Be sure to wash your hands once your done. No one wants to experience doodoo smears after hi-fives.
- Letters from Amos Jebediah Lee
Amos Jebediah Lee suffered from Itchy Ass for many years until finally visiting a Bulu tribe in Arizona. He's itch free now. They were able to provide prompt relief, He lives with his 3 wives in Utah selling tractor supply parts.