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Infidelity and how to Deal with It

Updated on June 25, 2017
ValKaras profile image

Val is a life-long practically oriented student of effective emotional and attitudinal responses to the many challenges of life.

Heartache of a Betrayal Is just as Intense as Loving Used to Be
Heartache of a Betrayal Is just as Intense as Loving Used to Be
Crossing that Bridge to the other Side of Pain Seems like the Longest Journey ever Taken
Crossing that Bridge to the other Side of Pain Seems like the Longest Journey ever Taken

A note: In order to avoid a constant mention of both genders - "he/she" - let's agree upon "she", which will mean a possibility of "him" being inclusive as well.

Cocktail of Jealousy upon Betrayal

It's always extremely upsetting and degrading to a wife or girlfriend to be "dumped" for another woman, with them feeling stuck with that maddening question: "What has she got that I haven't got?" Indeed, it's not something easy to understand, while as recently as yesterday it was all about love, presents, sex, fun, future plans, even exchanging views about loyalty - only to turn into a joke.

Well, just like they are saying, and lovers keep proving it true, "there is only a short step from love to hate", and the more passionate love used to be, the more hate may follow after a betrayal.

It's not only about hate, it's more complex than that, possibly including embarrassment in front of those who knew them as a couple, a shame of "not being good enough", sadness because of the end of a dream, self-hate for having been so naïve, and with a possible revengeful thoughts to somehow get even, as to patch up that bruise on her pride.

However, it's very individual which of these responses may be dominating and in which intensities; and equally individual may be what, if anything, she may actually do in such a situation.

Now, isn't it interesting how we always seem to have so many options to respond in a wrong way, with only a possible couple of the right ones? I would say, it's mostly due to our almost proverbial tendency to complicate our lives with negativities of all sorts.


Even in a Desert there Seems to Be a Path  Leading out of It
Even in a Desert there Seems to Be a Path Leading out of It

Moving on with Life

So, how do we deal with that betrayal, after the initial shock has simmered down enough to allow us to think so-so clearly? Of course, the optimal way of getting out of that emotional mess would be to simply leave it all behind and move on with life, opting not to waste another minute on someone who doesn't deserve it. That old saying comes to mind: "Ignoring is the best revenge".

For, what are the other options, really? Blaming ourselves is completely counterproductive, because life is throwing many risks at us, and with all our smartness, cautions, and best intentions, things may take a turn we could not foresee.

To label it as a mistake is all right, as long as we keep in mind that piece of wisdom that "we are not stupid for making a mistake, but only when we repeat making the same one." In that sense, it might be a stupid mistake to take the guy back, because there is obviously something unstable in his personality and in his idea of a commitment.

Love may be forgiving, but more often than not, it can also be blind, and it's a good idea to let some time pass before we let that blindness counsel us about our next step. In that time, he may rush to jump to another relationship out of impatience of being held on a long leash. Or he may persist displaying an honest regret, in which case she might consider taking another chance.

Betrayals always make a dent in love relationships which may never completely recover, leaving a scar of mistrust and readiness for another episode of the kind. So, again, the best option would probably be to move on and hope for the next better relationship.

Some Men just Need more Time to Grow Up, Breaking some Hearts in that Long Process
Some Men just Need more Time to Grow Up, Breaking some Hearts in that Long Process

When He Wants to Keep Experimenting

Quite often a betrayal is the result of man's emotional immaturity. After having one "victory under the belt" secured, he may keep wondering if he would be capable of adding another trophy to his manhood. In his immature mind it may appear that his present woman was an "easy prey", so the temptation keeps nagging him to find out "if he still got it".

Flirting on the job is the most common situation where it escalates into a one-night-stand, or a complete change of heart leading to a breakup. I have seen a few cases of guys going completely nuts, leaving their wives and kids for a new flame at work.

There is no point at all in keeping such partner in bedroom or at breakfast table. She should not put up with "being one of many" - for sake of self-respect, and for sake of life which is too short for keeping lousy experiments go for too long. After all, it's not man's monopoly to ask that question: "Could I go for someone new?"

A Good Father May Be Worth Rethinking about Kicking His Unfaithful Ass Out of House
A Good Father May Be Worth Rethinking about Kicking His Unfaithful Ass Out of House

Kids should Make Her Think Twice

An exception may be imposing itself with its serious nature when kids are in the picture, where she might opt for the lesser of the two evils. A scar on the heart may not be enough of a justification for leaving the father locked out.

Of course, the complete set of circumstances could suggest exactly that, especially if he was not much of a father beside being a promiscuous dog. It's hard to generalize here, but in so-so normal overall circumstances it could be a serious mistake to jump the gun and throw his unfaithful ass out.

Especially so if his one-night-stand turns out to be more of a stupid mistake of a typical male adventurous idiocy than a real lack of love for his wife and his family. Namely, most of men have that "gene" of temptation regardless of how much they may be in love; and it's not a question how many of us have it - but how many of us will "admit" having it.

It may be something in man's primordial nature of a hunter with woman's place being around the kids. It has only been in the last few decades that cultural and economical changes introduced women to the work force, because husband was not enough to play the "bread winner".

However, millennia of the man's role couldn't change overnight, so there is still that leftover in the man's nature - which in some cases somehow spreads from hunting animals to hunting women.

It goes without saying - that can never be an excuse for unfaithfulness, but could explain why some otherwise loving husbands make this crazy mistake. The temptation is there, and their particular brakes are not functioning too well. Sometimes one drink too many in a tempting situation could make that whole difference.

Nevertheless, as long as it all ends up with an honest regret - not with a habit - she may choose to take her "silly hunter" back under her wing. Especially, like I say, if kids are in the equation of the issue and he is otherwise devoted to family life.

Now, although statistically it's all true about "male hunters" being the leading sinners, let us not forget that the opposite may apply as well - namely, ladies have been known to have their own "hunter's gene".


Being Guided by Mind - Not Nerves - Is a Universally Valid Currency
Being Guided by Mind - Not Nerves - Is a Universally Valid Currency

In Conclusion

In this article I tried to bring to the reader's attention different aspects of that old issue of betrayal between lovers, while offering some ideas about how to deal with that painful experience emotionally and morally.

Variations on that theme are countless, and yet it was possible to find those most prevalent among the cases of betrayal, and suggest a few things that may be helpful to those who may be in an emotional confusion and looking for a starting thread to think about it in a cool manner.

I hope I have succeeded to at least inspire, if not to give a sound advice considering all potential differences from one case to another. Now, regardless of all those differences, it's of the utmost importance to always bring the emotional response to a minimum which will allow a rational decision what to do next.

Remember, forgiving or breaking up with a cool mind never carry a seed of a bad mistake as much as a hasty decision with a strong emotional charge. So, let's chill out and be sure what we really need to do - which is usually different from what we "want" to do.

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    • ValKaras profile image
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      Vladimir Karas 2 years ago from Canada

      Michael, my friend - In the purity of your old and noble heart you may be unaware of harsh realities of marriage going on everywhere around.

      Yes, in a perfect world it would be the way you described it, but in order to have a perfect world we would have to have something like perfect people, which remains to stay a dear and romantic dream of many of us. - Be well, my friend - Val

    • ValKaras profile image
      Author

      Vladimir Karas 2 years ago from Canada

      Michael, my friend - In the purity of your old and noble heart you may be unaware of harsh realities of marriage going on everywhere around.

      Yes, in a perfect world it would be the way you described it, but in order to have a perfect world we would have something like perfect people, which remains to stay a deer and romantic dream of many of us. - Be well, my friend - Val

    • profile image

      Michael Milec 2 years ago

      My had is spinning just from reading an " unheard of fiction" what migh jealousy destroy by occupying of a person's hart...

      Jealousy is an evil spirit and doesn't have place within a " marriage" where two people take each other for the rest of their life , to cherish and building up each other, giving and sharing the best mine with the best of your. As a spiritual ones they are present with each other everywhere any time , thinking the same , saying the same, complimenting each other and if needed, they sit together in LOVE to even up possible differences. Never compromising eliminates jealousy because your choice is better, we go with it- this time or vice - versa .The man is the head - leader of the household- the family - everyone is looking to him for his wisdom in words and provision, the children are imitating the goodness and behavioral qualities just to become best possible , and build their own solid future home an family...

      When we rejoice upon each other " success " failure becomes a means of improvement and growth.

      Once upon a time as an authorized counseler of future couples , my advise to them was that the first onehundred years in merriage is only a trial. We are learning to know and to love each other... After that many things would go smoothly.( Never been there , however the second half of the century in our journey together is better as days go by.

      I better stop here. Thanks Vlad for tolerance .

      Peace with us.

    • ValKaras profile image
      Author

      Vladimir Karas 2 years ago from Canada

      MizBejabbers - Yes, jealousy and controlling behavior can really do a number on a marriage. At times such individuals may give an impression of being "possessed" - jealousy holding their reasoning ability in a grip that won't give up.

      Thank you for the nice words of praise. - Val

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 2 years ago

      Well spoken and very well written, Vlad. If I were to lay out the five main reasons why my first marriage failed, his jealousy and controlling nature would be no. 1 because it seemed to be the catalyst of the rest of the reasons. As we grow older, most of us become more accepting of things as they are. It is as it is. We can't do anything except to make adjustments to our own attitudes.

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