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Accepting Who I Am Even in Times of Weakness & Domestic Abuse

Updated on June 21, 2018
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Laura is a self employed dog walker and a 31 year old worship dance pastor in training. She has a passion for people, nature and pets.

Accepting Who I Am In My Weakness

It took me longer than i expected to truly figure out who I was. I am 31 years old and divorced. It took going through domestic abuse with my ex-husband to really find out who I am. I hate it when you finally know what you want and plan for your future, then your world falls apart. I was in love but my parents always taught me to trust God and taught me how a man is suppose to treat you. I had to learn to forgive which I am still learning to fully do. I also had to learn how to love again. Finding my own strength while putting myself back together from the horrible experience of Domestic abuse.

On my Wedding day

This was  captured during our photo session at the wedding.
This was captured during our photo session at the wedding. | Source

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years. Simone Signoret


My Testimony

I met my ex-husband many years ago working at an Amusement park back in Minnesota. My brother and I got hired and I applied to be a ride operator. I did not expect that I would meet the love of my life there. During the season I would wait for my brother till 2 am to be done with his tasks in the food department. I met my ex when his friend always escorted me to my car when I worked till midnight and my brother got off earlier. The employee parking lot was by the woods. One day I was upset about something a male coworker did to me in my ride section. While waiting for my brother the ex came up to me with his friend Matt. We sat and talked for awhile. He was the first guy to respect me and even always stare in my eyes, which was a bit freaky at first. We dated for a good 4 years. We did have a period of time that I had to break up with him because I notices some things that were not healthy for both of us.

Signs of an Physical Abuse

1. Hitting, punching, kicking, shoving, choking or slapping you

2.Using weapons to inflict harm or threaten you

3.Controlling what you eat or when you sleep

4.Forcing you to do work against your will

5.Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol

6.Stopping you from seeking medical treatment or calling the police

Indepth Signs You may be in a Domestic Abuse Situation

Signs of Emotional Abuse

  1. Attacking your sense of self worth
  2. Insulting you, calling you names, criticizing you, humiliating you
  3. Acting jealous or possessive, accusing you of being with other partners
  4. Withholding affection or acknowledgement in order to punish you
  5. Cheating on you intentionally
  6. Lying to you

Signs of Psychological Abuse

  1. Threatening to hurt you, your loved ones, your pets, your children, or your possessions
  2. Controlling the time you spend with others, or monitoring where you go
  3. Controlling what you wear, often with the accusation that you attract too much attention
  4. Damaging or stealing your belongings
  5. Blaming you for the abuse, saying that you deserve what happens or that you instigated the problem
  6. Gaslighting, i.e. saying things to make you question your perception of reality, such as “That never happened, you never remember correctly,” or “Don’t get angry over such little things, you’re too sensitive.”

Signs of Sexual Abuse & Coercion

  1. Forcing or manipulating you to perform sexual acts
  2. Demanding sex when you’re not willing or able
  3. Harming you during sex by choking, holding or striking you
  4. Forcing you to watch pornography
  5. Insulting you in sexual ways

Signs of Reproductive Coercion

  1. Refusing to use a condom or other method of birth control
  2. Refusing to let you use birth control medication or devices
  3. Sabotaging birth control efforts such as poking holes in condoms, swapping out birth control pills, not pulling out, forcibly removing an IUD, etc.
  4. Forcing you to become pregnant
  5. Forcing you to have an abortion, or preventing you from getting one, regardless of your wishes

Signs of Financial Abuse

  1. Preventing you from having access to bank accounts with your money
  2. Only permitting you to spend from an allowance
  3. Monitoring how you spend money and deciding what can or cannot buy
  4. Stealing your money or using your savings without your permission
  5. Refusing to contribute to shared expenses such as rent, food, childcare, etc.

Signs of Digital Abuse

  1. Sending you insulting or threatening messages over text, email or social media
  2. Using social media sites like Facebook to track what you are doing and where you are
  3. Demanding you send sexually explicit photos or videos of yourself, or sending you their own
  4. Looking through your phone and checks your call history, texts, pictures, etc.
  5. Ordering you to not turn off your phone or punishing you when you don’t answer

Signs of Stalking

  1. Following you
  2. Spying on you, including cyber stalking
  3. Sending you unwanted packages, letters, texts, or messages
  4. Calling you at home or at work after you’ve told them to not to contact you

My Fiance & I On Wedding Day

My wedding day in septmber 2014
My wedding day in septmber 2014 | Source

My Fairy Tale Turned Into A Nightmare

I though he had taken care of himself when we got back together after a year in a half. He was my first love. As we got closer to the engagment and then the wedding I started noticing things that were alarming. His attitude would change and he would blame me for things I did not do. He would uplift me one moment and then tear me down. Now you are probaly wondering why I am sharing this. Abuse is a serous thing. It took me 3 months after my marriage to get out of the relationship. Every time I tried to leave he would threaten me. I had to be smart I was determined to leave and not be like the stories we hear about on the news. After the beautiful wedding it all went downhill after that.

He also finally gave up when I told him I did not trust him after he hurt me in our bedroom one night. I could not be in the same room at night with him. That is when i took action and called the people I had to call for help . He finally gave up and we got a divorce.

If you know anyone or experiencing any of these yourself, You can get help.

Promis | Source

How I Found Myself

It took three years to really find myself again. I went through a phase where I did not trust anyone. I hated men and went through support groups for the trauma i want through. What broke us apart was he wanted to change who he married. He was not happy with the woman I became. Sometimes we find ourselves with controlling sick people. Unfortunately because of personal experiences in his childhood,he thought that was how he was suppose to love me. I am now on my own focused on my career and enjoying the journey to discover who I am. Him and I get better along now that we are not married. We chose to be civil and move on with our lives. That was when he realized what he lost. As a ballet dancer I find it easy to take all my emotions and put them in my dance strength. I am not a victim and I am still on that journey to discover what direction I a m suppose to go to. I pray and hope this article helps you if you may be struggling with the same experiences. Remember you are not weak because you were mistreated. We need to stand up in the dust and move forward and find a new positive aspect that we want for our lives.

© 2018 Laura Lueken


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