- Death & Loss of Life
Life vs Death
I Still Want To Live
In dedication to my Mother, in our hearts she is alive forever,
Years have gone now after her death and it was in the month of May when she was fighting against death...struggling to live...the last words i heard from her in our last phone conversation was: " I still want to live...can we not do anything...is there a chance to do something to help me...to live."
I don't want to remember the year when she left...every time i think of her, the memories are alive, as if it just happens.
My Mother in the Intensivecare Station
It was late in the afternoon when i received a telephone call from my eldest brother living in the Philippines, saying: "Carol our Mother is in critical health condition. She is in the intensive care station, you have to come home immediately". I said: What? When? What happened? My brother told me: "Just come home and we will discuss everything."
My older sister who is living in Innertkirchen an hour auto ride far from my place had contacted me about the bad news so we could fly home together.
It was shocked, my tears falling down with a great longing to be with my mother as i heard my sister sobbing with pain on the phone.
I was able to get one week emergency vacation. I arranged our flight online and luckily we were scheduled to fly the next day. We flew 17 hours via Singapore to Cebu.
We arrived in Cebu direct to Chong Hua hospital where my beloved mother was stationed in the Intensive Care Unit.
We cried as we were on our way to the hospital. As we saw my mother through the glass door consciously intubated in the respiratory machine, i broke into tears and cried loud. My sister comforted me: we have to manage and control our emotions to get near and to be with our mother, to give her a strong emotional support.
My mother was awake as we got near to her, as we hugged her. God... i better not cry...how hard it is to feel so sad and remain strong as i kissed her forehead.
It seems my mother felt uncomfortable, she can't talk and say what she wants or feels, so many tears flowing from her eyes and i knew she wants to say something.
I got a paper and a pen and gave it to her. She was glad that she got all of her strenght to write something. She wrote: " Help me, i have a severe stomach pain." Nobody knows how long had she felt this pain? Is it for a few days? since her intubation?
I called the nurse to immediately gave her a pain reliever and suggested for a fix dosis every 6 hours infusion. After a while my mother was relieved from the pain.
Mother was in critical condition. Her red blood cells were down with haemoglobin of 3.6 -4. She recieved several blood transfusions but still she was getting worst. She had autoimmune haemolytic disease and pneumonia.
There was a discussion of letting her go. We asked the doctor to do everything, means and any chance to save her life, whatever it cost.
The doctor arranged for an infusion therapy, the last expensive remedy which might help our mother without 100 % guarantie.
After 5 -6 days Infusion therapy, my mother was getting better. The respiratory intubation was removed. She managed to eat and drink slowly. Her eyes filled with tears falling down on her cheeks from joy of still being alive and to live a second life.
The day after we daparted from Cebu to Switzerland. My mother was released from the ICU to the normal station. Two weeks later, she was discharged and went home in Lapu Lapu where she had to stay few more days by my other sister for recovery. After she was strong enough to travel, she went home with my father to our hometown in Buenavista. They prefered to take aboard a ship rather than flying with a plane.
She was able to live a normal life for several years and we were able to visit her again this time with my whole family.
The other year i, my sister with our daughters went home as an emergency because she was not feeling well and was afraid about her health condition. My sister, our daughters, Mom, Father and i had beautiful moments together. We took a vacation trip in Bohol where she enjoyed most, her wish to swim or just take a short bath in the sea. We made a Bohol tour, she and my father were glad to see the whole Island, the chocolate hills, a river ride with lunch in the boat, the hanging bridge etc.
Two years later: My Mother's Farewell
She got to travel to Cebu with my father for a routine checkup and she was suddenly admitted to the hospital due to respiration problem. Until...a call from my sister in Cebu..
I heard her voice so weak...feeling her so tired...grasping to breath. Though i felt her braveness reassuring me she can manage... In my mind was a great wish to be by her side at that time. It was 10:00 o'clock in the morning, swiss time Wednesday, i told her i am not sure when i can fly home to her and have to arrange everything. I told her i will call back if i am ready as fast as i can. I said: " You have to wait for me. " My mother said: " I am not sure if i can wait." I know she was holding her tears...but i can't hold mine.
Thursday, Mom is not feeling well, she has an oxygen therapy, had several examinations. The doctor said her lung cancer has fully metastasize. She can't eat, not drink, or say something. It was a sudden change of her condition. As i called up she was asleep and i was not able to talk with her.
Friday...i called the hospital to talk with my Mom and that i will be flying with my sister on Sunday or Monday and that we were ready. My mother can't talk anymore...i tried to talk with her that we were coming home to see her but she can't answer me anymore...i cried and talked and hope she can hear me. I said to her: " I love you so much Mom, i wish i will be there in a minute but i am too far away." How i cried at this moment....i can't find words to say... i feel so sad, wish she will not to leave me...to wait for me... that i had to say goodbye.
It was the distance between me and my Mom that hurts me most, not being with her on her last moment. The moment when she needed me and hope to see us all for the last time.
I did not sleep the whole night...but still i went to work early in the morning...and just at the beginning of my shift at 7:00 a.m. i got a call from my sister that Mom has gone away.
It was a sudden pain, a schocked...i cried loud...i had to...i did not have the control anymore, inspite of disturbing some of my co-workers...i was crying the whole morning that i had to go home.
I was thankful my husband was at home and my children. I told them Lola has gone away, Lola is dead... and i cried again so loud...it was a terrible pain, an emptiness, i still can't accept the reality, i spent the whole afternoon in bed crying....crying....crying....feeling a great pain, losing my Mother.