ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Living With BiPolar 2

Updated on September 20, 2011

About 15 years ago I was diagnosed as Bipolar Manic Depressive. I was given some antidepressants with one refill. By the time I was half way through the bottle of pills, I was feeling fine, so I decided to quit taking them. But I knew I should not stop all at once, so I wrote out a schedule that would wean me off them, and by the time I took the last pill, it was safe to stop. I never got them refilled. I also never experienced such deep depressions again. I was never suicidal.

About six years ago, I was Diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was given antidepressants, namely Paxil, for mild depression. after a few times of running out of my prescription and being unable to get it refilled right away, and experiencing wicked head zapping and bouts of emotional instability, I decided I was better off without that nasty drug...and I made a huge mistake. I went off it cold turkey. I was going through early menopause during this time as well, which did not help matters at all. After dealing with my issues for about six months, I finally told my doctor. He explained that no one can just quit can't even be weaned off it, you have to be switched to another antidepressant, then weaned off that if you want to stop taking antidepressants completely. So he put me on another antidepressant, I can't remember which it was. and I took it to keep the head zapping at bay and my emotions under control. for the next three years, if I missed even a single dose, my head would get sapped. It felt like someone took an electric cord, like from a lamp, cut it away from the lamp, plugged it in and stuck the cut part into my brain.

But finally the zaps began to disappear and the emotions got under control...maybe to much so. My mom would complain that I never smiled, never responded to jokes and rarely interacted with her anymore. One day I told the doctor I didn't think I needed the pills anymore. He asked me how I was feeling. I told him ok, but something made me tell him about moms complaints. He told me that depression shows up in different ways, and sometimes we can be depressed and not even know it. I asked him if he thought that instead of quitting i should actually be raising my dosage. He thought it could not hurt to try it. And it did help.

But after a time, I was taking around 18 different pills a day for my different illnesses. I really hate taking pills. finally I stopped and analyzed my problems and the pills I was taking. I decided I would quit taking all but the most needful ones. That cut it down to around 7 or 8. When I told my doctor, he was ok with it, but said he would leave the pills active in case Ifound I needed any of them after all.

One thing that would get me frustrated is that I would get these "spells" where I would become very creative. During this time, I would have overwhelming urges to write, play music, draw, paint, carve...anything that was creative...even if I didn't really know how to do a thing, I longed to do it. Then, and sometimes right in the middle of a project...the urge would just die out. All inspiration, all motivation...gone, poof, just like that.

It is like going on an adventure. You are traveling through a varied, rich land, full of beauty and ripe for exploring, indeed, just begging to be explored...Then suddenly you come to a dead wasteland. There is no shortcuts, no way around it, you simply must go through it, hoping for, looking for, more rich and beautiful land ahead. Like the pendulum above...When it swings to one end...extreme creativity...when it swings to the other...extreme nothingness.

I did a few foolish things before understand dawned. Like buying a synthesizer for 150.00 dollars. It is a great keyboard and i do mess around with it sometimes. I might have more interest in it had I not realized just how bad my memory problem was. I took piano when I was 19. I did not think it would be so very hard to relearn it. I cannot even recall the keys from one bar to the next. I even wrote the names of the keys on them, and tried other tricks as well, but to no avail...The best I can do is make pretty noises on it. I bought a carving kit. It rarely gets used. I finally quit giving into temptation to buy things to create things.

One day I was thinking about how my creativity seemed to come and go...And when it went, it was gone so completely. I realized it was a great deal like Bipolar, in extremes. I wondered if it was connected. So I did some research. It seems Bipolar 2 IS connected with creativity.

I have had people tell me I was just going through a creatively lazy period. But I knew me and I knew better. It was definitely a cyclical thing. Even though I have yet to talk to my doctor about it, I know in my heart This is my problem. It fits me to a T. And now that I understand it, I have learned to live with it. When the pendulum swings back into the creativity extreme, I work, mostly at my writing, but also I do other things to, taking advantage of the creative high while I have it, knowing full well it won't last...And sure enough, it doesn't. When it runs out, I settle down to wait for its return. It doesn't matter if I was in the middle of a story, I can't think of a single word to add to it, so the story gets put away, waiting for that creative high to return. Knowing what the deal is has done a lot to helping me deal with it. I don't feel so guilty anymore. And if anyone else is experiencing the same thing, maybe now you to will understand what is going on and can rest better knowing it isn't your fault.


Submit a Comment

  • tlmcgaa70 profile imageAUTHOR


    6 years ago from south dakota, usa

    thank you RNMSN, i truly hope it does. thank you for reading and commenting. have a great night.

  • RNMSN profile image

    Barbara Bethard 

    6 years ago from Tucson, Az

    tlmcgaa, this is a succinct explanation of bipolar creativity issues! very good!! thank you so much for putting this all into words! molometer is right/this will give hope!!

  • tlmcgaa70 profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from south dakota, usa

    Thank You molometer. i do hope it brings encouragement to others who suffer from this. half the battle is understanding there is nothing to feel guilty for, and learning your own particular pattern. once you can accept those two things, and accept your limits, it is easier to learn to live with BP 2. Thank you for reading this and for your votes. have a wonderful day.

  • molometer profile image


    7 years ago from United Kingdom

    What a brilliant article. A friend of mine is bipolar and works as a voice coach on a certain TV show. He is very creative and he has his uncreative times. I'm glad you wrote this article as I'm sure it will give encouragement to sufferers and their families that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that you can learn to live with it. Great story well done Voted up plus UIBA.

  • tlmcgaa70 profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from south dakota, usa

    hello Hendrika. it really is the best thing to do especially once you realize there is simply nothing you can do about it. you just have to go with the flow of it. as to the difference between you and will be different with everyone...because all are different., thank you for stopping by and reading this. have a great night.

  • Hendrika profile image


    7 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

    I suffer from bipolar myself and the mood swings are pretty bad. I also find that I am creative when I feel better, but never to the extend you say. I do have a lot of unfinished projects though but I have stopped feeling guilty about them.

  • tlmcgaa70 profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from south dakota, usa

    rosettaartist, i imagine it is much like Fibromyalgia..some people have it so bad as to be one disability, such as myself while others are able to still work and live fairly normal lives with it. I was amazed when a friend told me people can actually die from complications with fibro, she witnessed a friend of hers do it. we all know that bipolar 1 can be fatal. with bipolar 2 i fight sleeplessness because i cant stop thinking. i have gone as much as a week and a half without sleep or more than an hour or two at a time, and that is bad as with epilepsy i need my sleep. so i guess it just depends on the person and the degree to which they have the illness. thank you for coming by and reading my hub.

    saccharyne, thank you. if it does, it will have been worth the writing of it.

  • saccharyne profile image


    7 years ago from London

    This is an amazing article, I really hope it helps some others

  • rosettaartist1 profile image

    Rosetta Ceesay 

    7 years ago from United Kingdom

    A friend of mine has this and leads a normal life.

  • tlmcgaa70 profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from south dakota, usa

    thank you Nat. at the present, i am not experiencing serious depression and am not taking any anti depression. my biggest problem is in dealing with the creativity/non creativity issue, and sometimes in dealing with certain people. i thank GOD for HIS help, as I know I would be a lot worse off without HIM. if you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me, i am a good listener, and i know sometimes it helps just to have a friend who will just do that for you. thank you for coming by, and for following me. have a wonderful evening.

  • Nat Amaral profile image

    Nat Amaral 

    7 years ago from BC Canada

    My heart goes out to you. I know all too well how these kinds of medications can affect you. I'm on antidepressants as well as I have this--it's especially worse in the fall and winter months. I hope things get better for you.

  • tlmcgaa70 profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from south dakota, usa

    Mike, I will be talking to my doctor about this, but I am sure he will tell me what I already know...sometimes things are just to obvious.

    i have no clue what paxil deficiency is. i do know that what happened to me has happened to thousands of other paxil users. not the going cold turkey...the head zaps and other bad side effects. my mother was given paxil when she came out of surgery to counteract depression and she became violently ill. paxil is bad news no matter how you look at it.

  • MikeNV profile image


    7 years ago from Henderson, NV

    And what Medical Test was used to diagnose your condition?

    Have you ever asked yourself why your brain has a Paxil Deficiency?


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)