Looking Back at Depression
Exit Points I Missed
I'm 62 now, as if that really means anything to anybody, but looking back over the life I've lived so far I noticed half a dozen places where I could have died so easily and yet somehow, mysteriously I didn't. I do believe there are places in our lives where we come to crossroads, and it's set up that we can exit stage left from life. It's like a choice. But an unconscious choice between the higher self and the lower self, or to say the waking everyday consciousness self, and the part of you that just knows you have something to do here, despite you wish you could just say oh bomp it!
I want to say I'm glad I didn't die at those crossroads. I can't take credit for rejoining the living so I can only declare there are forces at work in our lives which work hidden from our 5 normal senses and get us back on track. We can call them guides or angels, or maybe reading something just at the right time. I've had a book or two just fall out of the sky also.
I have this thesis going on that there's a lack of love on this planet. Yet now, in my older years, all I see is Love. That's why I'm glad I failed in taking my life on the few attempts that were made. And the other places where I almost croaked, I'm still considering how depression can weaken the immune system so succumbing to a disease is another exit point to look at, as to cause and effect relationship, but what I really want to center this article on is how all we really need is either a little respect, or a little bit of kindness would go so far for those who are easily depressed or too sensitive, or however you want to tag those who are depressed.
I don't get depressed anymore btw. I may get conflicted, confused, even feel a little injured emotionally sometimes, but never depressed or down for more than a day or so. Over the years I've noticed a lot of things I might start ranting about is something I'm blowing up in my mind and it simply has not happened yet, but if I keep ranting about it, it may well happen!
At age 2 or 3 I tried to commit suicide. As strange as this sounds, I remember what I was thinking. Mother had not wanted me to be born and I was aware that I needed her love. There were 3 of us siblings in the shallow end of the public swimming pool. I watched the others seeing how long they could hold their breath underwater. I decided to join into the fun and games, and also I thought mother will notice me, that I can hold my breath the longest, then I shall gain her love.
As I floated there looking at the bottom of the pool everything began to get real peaceful and I got this happy feeling. Suddenly I thought, "Oh! I'm going back home!"
It felt like my self was this energy swirling round and round while I thought of being in the sky and away from this sad and loveless life. All I could feel was love and acceptance and I was heading straight for heaven.
My brother glanced at me floating there and I heard him yell at mother to look at me. I felt a satisfaction to be looked at for once, then I was entering the swirling cloud of energy once more and I remember thinking I wonder why it doesn't hurt anymore to hold my breath? It was so pleasant I stopped thinking and wondering. I heard mother scream for brother to pull me out.
I was pulled out but it was so much fun, and I had all that attention that I at once did it again only to be banned from the pool. I had not gotten love that day, but the attention, I remember, it made me feel special, and that perhaps mother would change her mind about me, if she saw that it would be so easy for me to die.
This was my first exit point I recall. I'll blog some other interesting exit points later. I hope to find out if any of my friends here can conclude that they have had exit points that are recalled and why it is they are glad they still can be counted among the living.
I think courage has a lot to do with it. I want to hear from the courageous or the not so courageous. It's ok to just be a reader too. Sometimes just reading others, that takes courage too! Some people I've met have had it much harder than I have and you want to say "I know, I know, I hear you, we're going to make it through, trust me, we will." That's basically the reason for this hub. I know we all have guidance and none of us are really all alone or unloved, and that there's times it takes courage just to get out of bed, I've been there too.