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Losing Your Best Friend-Coping With Life After Death

Updated on April 18, 2013

I have always been what is known as a night owl starting from the time that I was a teenager, and even so now that I am just beginning to enter my 40 something years. Not really sure why, but I never enjoyed waking up early, but I loved staying up late at night.

This particular Monday night was no different from the rest, it was 2 a.m and I was finally starting to yawn. I was 17 years old at the time, but I remember it like it was yesterday. My mother was a barmaid so she usually came home before 3 a.m, and many nights I would greet her at the door.

Of course she was never thrilled with my presence only because she knew I needed rest for school the next day, but It seemed as if I could fall asleep much easier once she was home. We would talk for a bit while she got ready for bed, then I would be on my way to a deep, short slumber.

My father had passed away at the early age of 34, from sclerosis of the liver. My mother was left behind to raise me (almost 2), and my two brothers (ages, 8 and 12). We didn't have much for a while because my dad was the bread winner.

We were left with a simple rink a dink house that came with a mortgage payment, and my dad's car. A few weeks after the funeral she landed a job as a waitress, she had never worked before other than on her family's farm as a kid. Two weeks after that she picked up a second job working nights as a barmaid.

His death was extremely hard on her. During the first few years she spent a lot of time at the cemetary, when she wasn't working. My oldest brother was basically in charge of raising me, while she was struggling to keep a roof over our heads and food in our house.

We kids was her drive, her reasons, we were her everything! Of course, being selfish kids at the time we didn't realize that she was our everything too, but that soon changed. Forgive me if I am all over the place here, but this is hard for me to get out. Let's go back to that Monday night.

As I said this night was the same typical night I always experienced until my mother came home. When my mom came in she had her boyfriend with her, and he was going to spend the night so we didn't have our usual chit chat which sucked and I made that known. I went on to bed, and so did she.

The next morning came early since it was late when I went to bed. Only I wasn't awaking to my alarm clock, I was waking up to her boyfriend asking me a series of medical questions about my mother. I flew up out of bed and headed toward her bedroom but I wasn't ready for what I was about to see.

My hands are shaking just typing right now, I re-live this moment over and over again in my mind quite often and it never gets any easier for me.

When I rounded the corner to her doorway I seen her on the floor, she wasn't moving and she had a blue color to her and I froze right up. At this point that grown man (her boyfriend) hadn't called 911, so I hurried to the phone and made the call.

I did not go to her and help her.. after calling for help I made calls to my brothers and I ran outside. I felt in my heart that she was already gone, and I was just a teenager I had no clue what I should do. I waited on the porch for the rescue people to arrive, which felt like an eternity.

Once they got there they were quick to start working on her, but there was no response what so ever on her part. They put her on a stretcher and raced off to the hospital, while I waited for my brothers. By the time we got there it was already over, she was gone. I had lost my mother, and best friend to a massive heart attack.

Life has been extremely hard for me since, I do have my own family now but it hasn't gotten any easier. I miss her terribly, I feel so responsible and guilty for not helping her.. she wouldn't have left me like that. I have always put faithe in the old saying that time heals all wounds but that has yet to be true for me. Never will I be able to get over her, I will live with this everyday for the rest of my time on earth.

The lesson that I have walked away with has changed how I live my life. Work is important to me because I am a single mother of three, but I will live outdoors before I take all the time I have here away from them. All types of relationships with people are very important to me, yet I try to keep a distance because I am so scared to love again. Only my children get my true self, with all of my love on the line.

Now I live my life quietly, stay to myself, and don't have many friends. My children are my life, and I am very thankful for them. How much time does it take to heal all wounds? It has been 24 years since her passing, and I still think about her everyday.

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