Loving that man with Post Traumatic
Jumping from a burning boat only to drown in the sea
The spoken word is twisted and misconstrued and bent to the receiver hearing what they want to hear. I have been struck dumb as I find that everything I say is received with loaded intensity.
So this journal is a way to express what I need to say with out hurting or incriminating or seeking approval or anything. My words, my thoughts in some form to allow them to get out of my head.
I unwittingly have embarked on some sort of quest to find inner peace and contentment with a person who is struggling on the same path but in an extreme form. How could I have possibly known the face on Tinder, I would find myself wrestling with the devil of depression and anxiety, None of which I have created but now am enmeshed in whether I want to or not. Never-the-less the decision may be made for me and I will be told to walk away and with i will have a heavy heart and a heavy soul full of guilt and remorse. Sadly this is not an experience that is new to me and I feeling right now that my life has been a continuous chain of weathering bad storms on behalf of other people.
I have to look deep into myself to find the strength to make a decision and neither choice is one I want to make. Which of the two bad choices do I decide is better. Do I leap from a burning boat to find myself drown. Time and patience and letting go a little will help tread water if I leap, I’m not sure.
I was brought up to believe that if I do good by others and keep my truth, then I would be rewarded for my kindness and strength. So why do I feel so punished. Why do I feel that once again the massive potential of happiness is thwarted. Why do I feel that I must gain some sort of happiness after the trial of life, death, sorrow and pain has almost worn me down? What lesson am I suppose to learning here on this planet that I can’t seem to learn.
The question I have to answer for myself is how to transcend emotions that tear me apart when the intention of the words are not personal? How do I not make them personal? How can I float above the words and stay with the spirit of staying true?
How have I become so deluded that if you just love and forgive and support that it will help to heal the wounds created by others. Do I have such an ego to think that I have the power of healing. Am I so off track that by being a good person and a loving person with some love in return I can make that much of a difference. God how can I be so stupid. And why must I keep falling into this trap.
Is the first test for me to survive this new quest of love and contentment is to accept defeat. I can’t do it. Admit to myself that I am deluded. I am not strong enough to battle this storm and expect rewards. Or is this test about digging down deep into the core of myself and planting my feet and raising my head and say - “Bring it on - try me I can’t take it”
I have decided the second test is to quieten my mind. Clear the chatter and the endless circles. Stop talking, stop thinking, meditate. Stop reacting and just accept.
The third test is believing that if I believe - it will come. I need to find patience and acceptance and understanding. Remove the self and the ego. Find true altruism to replace the need to be needed.