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Making a Major Decision

Updated on August 10, 2013

I have reached a point in my life where I have to make a major decision. I am about to step on the proverbial butterfly and change my future one way or the other. As time counts down towards the final decision, I find myself at a complete crossroads. I feel that both the choices I am presented with are wrong. The third choice, the one I want, is impossible.

No matter which one I choose, I will be letting somebody down. I will be losing people in my life. Mistakes I've made in my past, along with my recent job misfortune, have led me down this road. I have nobody to blame but myself, and nobody to figure this out with but myself.

They say that God has a plan for everyone. I don't believe that. If that was the case, we wouldn't have free will. I believe God lets us choose or own path, for better or for worse. God isn't making this choice for me. No, I will be making it all on my own.

I tried to grow up and start my adult life at twenty-nine years old and I failed. Now, five years later I find myself back to how I was in my early twenties. Jobless. Waiting for a break in writing. No family life at home.

I was hoping that typing out my thoughts would help me get closer to a decision. It has not. I still don't know what I'm going to do and it scares the living crap out of me. People I love do not want to talk to me. People that love me are too far away.

I look in the mirror and I see two of me looking back. Both of them are looking for answers that I cannot give them.

I'm one of those people who cannot stop reflecting on the past, and would do anything to go back and do things differently. I will probably be cursed with this the rest of my life. Whichever way I chose, regret will go with me. Whichever way I choose will be wrong.

The second half of my life story is about to begin. All I can write is "Chapter 1."

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