Mentally Ill, Sexually Well
Over the years, I've had many negative emotions and experiences regarding sex. Here's a few ways I overcame those obstacles and created a healthier relationship and outlook on sex.
A Negative Beginning
Being a virgin at the age of 15, and having a (nearly) 18 year old boyfriend who cheated repeatedly, can give you a negative outlook on sex and love at a young age. There are reasons that the age of sexual consent in most U.S. States is 18. We are not mentally or emotionally ready to handle sex, and the complexities, that can come with it.
Sexual Aggression and Abuse
An overly aggressive, slightly older football player in high school, distorted my perception of what sex should be like. It shouldn't make you feel embarrassed or dirty. It should never make you feel disrespected or afraid. I didn't realize what sexual assault was until I was in my 20s. I thought all men were rough or down right violent, for a very large portion of my life. It didn't feel right when my partner was loving or gentle. A lot of the time, it made me feel guilty when someone was kind to me. Those actions were foreign to me, difficult to accept.
Self Sabotaging All the Good Stuff
In my opinion, good guys feel like they "always finish last" because of the guys that were abusive to ladies during vulnerable times. We start to believe that the abuse is what we deserve and, when a nice guy comes along, we don't feel worthy. It may be even deeper than this. It may go back even farther into your past trauma. We will stay that way our entire lives unless we take control of our feelings again. You can't let someone else control your feelings. If you lose control of your feelings, you'll lose control of your actions and it's just all down hill from there. Realize you are worthy of whatever it is you want, regardless of your past.
My First Step Forward
Forgiveness. Forgive yourself for whatever has happened in your past. Allow yourself to be human. Forgive your past mistakes and poor judgement. Forgive yourself for feeling vulnerable because it's part of being human. What is NOT forgivable is, how at some point, someone took advantage of that vulnerability. Whether you were drunk, high, depressed, manic, lonely, or just really trusted someone, taking advantage of someone in a "dark place," is never OK. And, it's not your fault.
Intuitive understanding of one's self. You can't begin to heal if you don't acknowledge that you are not well and make poor decisions. I say this from personal experience. The sooner you start paying attention to your behaviors, and the way you interact with other people, the quicker you will learn how to be in a healthy relationship.
"Sex is Emotion, IN Motion"— -Mae West
A High Sex Drive
Part of my particular problem is that my sex drive is through the roof. My particular disorder is Borderline Personality Disorder. People with BPD tend to be (but not everyone) impulsive, especially when it comes to sex. If you're having difficulties associating sex with intimacy and emotion, that is something you definitely need to work on.
Infidelity is definitely not acceptable. If you are in a relationship, or maybe your partner is, and it's not with each other, it's not OK. If your sex drive is out of control, you need to spend more time figuring out what exactly your needs are, they may actually not be sexual issues at all.
I've had relationships in the past where my former sexual experience, has created distrust and insecurity in my partner. It is important to establish trust and security in a relationship, before you become sexually intimate. You must also trust your partner. Do not give yourself sexually to someone who does not respect you emotionally. They must accept and understand your illness and be patient with you. Both of your mental health is as important as your sexual health.
A Happy Life...
It is possible. You can have a healthy sex life, without dysfunction. It just takes time and effort.