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Moving My Dementing Mother

Updated on August 20, 2009

Me and Mom last Friday

I can't sleep and it is only 5:15 a.m so decided to write my thoughts down in the hopes it will release some of my worries.

How can I have worries, being retired and can do what I want when I want? Ha Ha...Well it is true, but to get motivated is the hard part and when I do I get everything done and then there isn't that much left to do...I cover a lot of ground for being so old and handicapped too (my bad knees) and using a cane to get around and being overweight, cause I am not as active as I used to be and am older. Did I mention that already hummmm? :O) I know I did...

It does get lonely though with no one to really discuss things with in person, and writing helps but I need more...

I mean mom is a handful and keeps me hopping, especially now that we are moving her to a new room..she has never been a socializer, except for church doings and a few friends, so this move , I am hoping will at least give her a roommate, someone to talk too, even though they don't understand what they say or mean...they are in their own worlds but at least believe they can communicate, and really who am I to say they don't, just as small children who haven't learned to speak, can definitely get your attention and make you realize what they want, so can these dementing sweet old people...

It is just a big job for me and I worry too much I am not doing the right thing...Oh I do believe my Angel is always at my side directing me, it's just I am slow at listening, but then I guess time is never lost if you eventually catch on..

I feel the home director is pushing me faster then I want, but she says they wouldn't do that, or move her if they didn't believe it was a good idea. I mean they deal with this sort of thing everyday and I do trust them...I have learned much from this experience and have a sense of what needs to be done, but I still doubt myself and am also suspicious sometimes of other's and their real meanings...

Money always makes people do things differently, well sometimes. What I am saying is they raised her rent again because she needs more attention, there is an evaluation they do every 6 months as too what her needs are, like she needs help dressing every day, and undressing and they administer her meds and bath her and brush her teeth (not as often as I think they should) and so on, so that puts her at a different level of care and so a new level for charges...By moving her to a semi-private room it saves her like 1,000 a month, which is 12,000 a year which will cover her for 2 months longer...

I hate using $ as a reason though, but she may live for another 8-10 years and in order for her be cared for in this manner I must try to save whenever and wherever I can, and that is not that easy to do...Yes she has Insurance policies that will end up being used, but it is me that has to deal with each one of them and take the money out by their rules, and there are many of them to understand and follow, and request what you want in plenty of time, cause there is always some friggen delay, someone who can't do their job right the first time,no matter what you have sent them...Oh well I can deal with that, I have learned a lot...

Then there is also the fact that she doesn't know who the fuck I am ;other then the person who comes to see her and curl her hair and take her for rides and feed her...and that is ok too, but sometimes I feel poorly about our past relationship...for quite a few years we DID NOT get along well. But that is a whole other story, not to speak of here...It was resolved. it is now up to me to take care of her as she did me as a child, her first born of 4 girls...Oh there is family around, but not real close and most in other states and all so busy with raising their families and I get that. Been there done that too, and I am free ! so who better then me anyways? I do admit the 2 sisters I have left did try at one point though...I am the eldest and my stepdad and younger sister are buried here and mom's place is waiting for her...the tombstone in place next to her hubby and across from her daughter. So makes sense she came here...

What doesn't make sense is this disease of Alzheimer's...but she seems to be in a happy place of her own, but not always, sometimes she gets so frustrated when she tries to tell me things and she can't finish her sentences and I can see it in her face and eyes, and sighs of disgust... but I am not the ONE in control there is a higher power and I have to remember that. There is a reason for everything that happens...a reason I am writing this, a reason for posting it, or not posting it, a reason that may take a while to understand or I may never understand...but I do Believe in God the Father Almighty, the creator of Heaven and Earth...


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    • SEM Pro profile image

      SEM Pro 7 years ago from North America

      Dear G-Ma, thank you for writing this. There are so many who have to learn the lessons you learned - I hope you'll write more on how to exercise the patience and acceptance. Perhaps it would be easier to write a manual of sorts for one of your sisters who couldn't handle it and share it with the world for others as well? My own mother has dementia and been in a home for over 12 years, and my roommate's mother was just diagnosed although she is already in the moderate to severe stages. All of the children are wondering which route would be best, how much it will take out of her husband, how to handle her etc. I see and feel the million questions in them with each looking for a manual of sorts - how do we deal with this???

      Wish I was capable of writing it myself but living in a different country from my mother, she put others in charge and they wouldn't let me be her care giver - said it would have been too taxing on me. No matter how much I wanted to, I had to recognize that my mother and my issues were not finished and she wouldn't have listened to my instructions at all.

      People are living longer and the pace of the world speeds up - tough to handle so many are returning to a simpler time in their minds. I do believe it would be healthier for you to seek companionship too - as you say, for someone to talk with. Maybe hang around to meet some of the other families for someone to become friends with? Ask the home if they might consider a once a week event for the families involved for people to talk together and share experiences? Bet you could help many of them with your acceptance, patience and willingness to be responsible. I'm quite sure you are not the one in charge just because you are retired. You are because you are more than capable and perhaps God has a larger purpose for you to help others in a changing world? If I can be of service in any way, please don't hesitate to ask. Very sincerely, Sylvia

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Thank you Sylvia, you are a wise lady...I do go to 2 support group meetings a month and attend many activities where mom lives, but you know (and it is sad) not many residents have anyone that does that, so many just stay away...and it is tough trying to be everyone's friend, when they don't remember you...

      I do need to get out more but honestly I am so busy I don't find time for such things..I paint and write and cook and do alot of things that keep me busy and happy, I miss my EX is my problem... Thanks for the comment...:O) Hugs

    • profile image

      annvans 7 years ago

      Wonderful hub, I enjoyed reading it. I guess I am going to be the only one who can do things for my parents most of the time too.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Well what will be will be...and be glad as long as you are capable, my dear...and have faith in yourself...Thanks for commenting...:O) Hugs

    • Ginn Navarre profile image

      Ginn Navarre 7 years ago

      G-Ma dear, My heart goes out to you and many of those that are dealing with this terrible disease of Alzheimer. I stuck it out with my own mother trying to take care of it all on my own. That was a mistake! You are handling it correctly in my book for at the later stages it can take its greatest toll on the--the care giver.

      Remember they maybe in a happy place.

    • IslandVoice profile image

      Sylvia Van Velzer 7 years ago from Hawaii

      G-Ma, you are such a precious soul, and a loving daughter. What you are going through is not easy, but God will give you the grace to handle it. Thank you for ventilating your feelings through this writing. We are learning from you, and realize, we will either find ourselves being the caregiver, or the cared for side. God bless you. You are loved!

    • profile image

      \Brenda Scully 7 years ago

      hi just wondered where the story i was following is,,,,, did you finish it

    • R Burow profile image

      R Burow 7 years ago from Florida, United States

      G Ma,

      It is all so hard. I am praying that one of these days there will be a cure for this awful disease. It is a robber to so many families, including mine. May God bless you for doing the hard thing, just being there, and enduring the pain of watching one you love steadily deteriorate. You are doing the right thing by simply doing the best you can.

      Thanks for the hub.

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 7 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      I love the photo of you, even your cane is stylish. :) My eyes got a little misty (what else is new? LOL) as I totally, totally understand what you are experiencing. I was lucky in the sense that when mom reached the stage your mom is in now, my sister had moved back from overseas and we both handled the decisions to move her into a nursing home, and cared for her together before the move. However, For 7 years, I had the responsibility of my mom's care as I was alone in the USA and it was not easy.

      Your mom is in good hands, God's, yours and the facility. And like R Burow I also pray for the cure of this disease.

    • GiftedGrandma profile image

      GiftedGrandma 7 years ago from USA

      My heart goes out to you and know that God is giving you what he knows you can handle. I keep wondering if my mom will go before it hits her. She is 85... Blessings and hugs

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      annvan***Ginn***Island***RBurow***Violet***Gifted*** is a terrible disease and I know I am in God's hands, it's just it gets to me once in awhile...I watch these sweet people (the residents) get worse and worse and then the wheelchair stage and then next thing you know they are gone, silently, no fuss no muss just quickly, surely it is over. Then you see an announcement and some flowers by the Bible they have in the Office on a nice wooden shelve... I know it is hard for the caregivers, yet they always have a smile and are cheerful, which I find difficult at times...and I am not there everyday,most but not every one...They are the Blessed ones and I do so appreciate them...

      Thank you all for your nice words and prayers I know we are in good hands...:O) Hugs

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      \Brenda...I wrote # 9 and #10 but it isn't completed you want me to bring them here for you???I surely will..or you could send me a note and I could e-mail them to you...I pulled them off of here because someone may want me to publish???who knows though???..lot's get said and nothing happens...Hee hee :O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Alissa1985 profile image

      Alissa1985 7 years ago from Arkansas

      G-ma you are such a wonderful soul. I look up to you so much for doing the things that you are doing for your mother. As said above, remember God won't give you anything that you can't handle. I have never been in the position that you are in now, but I know that it has to be hard on you. I want you to know that many of us will be here for you to vent to or talk to any time of the day.

      *Great big hugs*

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Alissa, my dear Thank you...I am ok, just once in a while I get a bit frightened and worried because I can't do anything but what I am doing, but I do ALL I can...:O) Hugs and God Bless

    • Feline Prophet profile image

      Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

      G-Ma, your hubs about your mother always tug at the heartstrings. You're doing great and somewhere she knows what you're hang in there! Hugs! :)

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Feline...Thanks is a heart tugging thing for sure..and i will hang in till I can't anymore...God Wills be done...:O) Hugs

    • Philipo profile image

      Philipo 7 years ago from Nigeria

      G-Ma, I wish you long life and good health. God will always be by you. You will not lack. Remain blessed.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Philipo...Thank you Sir..I know He is always here...:O) Hugs

    • Abrushing1968 profile image

      Aaron Rushing 7 years ago from USA- Florida

      G-Ma Thank you for sharing your sleepless night. You and all those who deal with this agonizing reality are my heroes! May I have your strength when and if it is my turn.

      In Christ


    • Kosmo profile image

      Kelley 7 years ago from California

      I'm also dealing with a mother who is in the throes of dementia, quite possibly Alzheimer's. If she knows who I am, it won't be long before she doesn't. Please check out my recent hub regarding such tragic matters. Later!

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      G-Ma, Just to let you know that I'm around, too.

    • frogyfish profile image

      frogyfish 7 years ago from Central United States of America

      I hear the tension and tiredness in your words...then comes the most important thing--you have complete trust in the One who is in control, and your faith will not fail your need.

      Yes, Alheimer's is horrendous, harder on those who are the caretakers than those who live within its grasp. It is a great burden you bear G-ma, and you are a brave and loving person for taking this responsibility. Blessings to you!

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Kosmo...shall do my dear...thanks for commenting...:O) Hugs

      The Old Firm...Bless you and I do appreciate that very much...:O) Hugs

      Frogyfish...Yes I do believe and He guides me through each experience I go through with her...I have put it in His wonderful Hands I am totally trusting...:O) Hugs

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I read your words and felt your worries; and yet, you are a strong woman more than you know. Looking at your photo and your mom, I see a woman of grace and strength and love. It is my prayer that the love you so give generously bless you a hundredfold. Much love and light... :)

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Ripplemaker thanks my dear...and right now I need it very much...Prayers always...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • crayonbrains profile image

      crayonbrains 7 years ago from The World Is Mine !

      You are one of those rare people one does not come across often..A woman of courage,strength and love!I salute thee..More power to you G-Ma and god bless!

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      crayonbrains...Nice to meet you dear (how did you come up with that name LOL??) and looking forward to reading your work...such nice words Thank You, but it takes one to know one? I think you must be a lot the same as me? :O) Hugs G-Ma

    • crayonbrains profile image

      crayonbrains 7 years ago from The World Is Mine !

      Thank you so much! Nice to meet you too G-ma! Sometimes without even meeting someone you feel someones's radiant energy touch you deeply, I felt that way about you, reading this hub.You look lots like my mom..She was a loving,courageous,beautiful person.

      Well most of the time I have colorful,crazy ideas running through my brains..hence the name Crayonbrains :)

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      how sweet...thanks for the reply...

    • fortunerep profile image

      fortunerep 7 years ago from North Carolina

      I can so relate, I am dealing with the same thing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Awww. My prayers for you and yours...It can be tough...:O) Hugs

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