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My Body Hates Me and What I am Doing to Make Amends

Updated on December 6, 2011

My body hates me. My body and I have a love hate relationship. I love to eat junk food. My body hates me for not feeding it proper nutrients. I love to laze around and move as little as possible. My body hates me for robbing it of the medicine of physical activity. For most of my life, I have abused and neglected my body. For most of my life, my body has put up with this. Now, my body is fed up and is revolting. My muscles are mad and they are not going to take it anymore.

It started slowly with little aches and pains at irregular intervals. This past year has really made me aware of how I mistreat my body. I have had a sprained ankle, a sprained knee, unbearable joint pain and stiffness, and swollen legs and feet that greatly inhibit my movement. On my worst days, I can only hobble in the house to go to the bathroom or to the kitchen. I spend the rest of the day in agony on the couch wishing I could die. The pain is throughout my entire body and is not relieved by any over the counter medication. No amount of crying eases the discomfort. Man has not invented a pillow soft enough. During these days from a haze of excruciating pain, I try to focus on the physical pain Jesus endured for me when dying on the Cross. That helps sometimes.

Within the past several weeks, I have come home from work in such pain that my husband has had to take my shoes and socks off for me and wipe the tears from my eyes. I have not had the ability to bend and move to remove my own shoes. My arms do not have enough strength to hold a tissue to my tears of pain. I cannot stand for my five pound Chihuahua to sit on my lap. That just sends jolts of pain reverberating throughout my entire body. My dear husband finally pulled rank on me and called my mom and daddy. Daddy tells me to get myself to the emergency room. Even with all the pain, I have steadfastly refused to go the emergency room . I know what I will be told.

When the emergency room doctor comes in to talk to me after all the tests are back I am told what I refused to come to the hospital for knowing I would hear. After years of abuse, my body is staging a war. I am in a pain cycle that will continue to grow in intensity and will require stronger medication and will severely inhibit my mobility and quality of life. The doctor understands the pain is real and I am not imagining it. I have been scared that I would be told this condition is all in my head.

According to the doctor, metabolically and physiologically, nothing is wrong with me. That gives me a great place to start. I am to lose ten percent of my body weight every three months. I did this over the summer and the doctor told me to continue. I am also told this will not be a quick fix. My body and I are embarking on a journey to wellness that will require at least a year invested time wise. I know these changes have to be for my lifetime if me and my body are to get along with each other again. I am not trying to lose weight, although,that is one of the goals. I am changing my lifestyle choices.

Here are some of the things I am incorporating into my life. The doctor was helpful and gave me a very informative website. is offered by George Mateljan. This website offers information about healthy foods from around the world. For instance, I learned this week that cranberries have almost as much antioxidant power as blueberries and sweet potatoes are loaded in vitamin A. This website also offers how to recipes with nutritional information included. I have signed up for his email newsletter.

Another website I have been looking at frequently is This is an organic produce delivery service offering local produce shipped directly to your home from the growers. It is vital to any healthy lifestyle to deluge your diet with fresh fruits and vegetables. From off the vine, you can order a box delivered to your home every week or you can order once a month or even put a standing order in. Your box can be fruit only or fruit and vegetables mixed. I have not ordered from this website yet but plan to do so in the near future.

My major addiction for years has been caffeinated fully loaded with sugar sodas. I have been drinking four to five of the twelve ounce cans daily. Each twelve ounce can of soda contains twelve teaspoons of sugar. There are forty-eight teaspoons of sugar in a cup. Drinking a cup or more of sugar a day is devastating to my body. I am trying very hard to limit my soda to one in the morning to help me get up and get moving. I am drinking usually forty to fifty ounces of water a day before lunchtime instead of all that soda. Sometimes, when my day is really stressful, I find myself wanting the comfort of a soda. Sometimes, I give in. But, I do not use that as an excuse to stop trying to fuel my body correctly.

I am the queen of mindless eating. I am now keeping a food diary so that I am forced to think about everything that I eat or drink. Every morsel that I eat or drink, I write down in my diary. I am keeping track of how much physical activity I am adding to my day. I keep track of my water intake. This diary helps me to get my feelings toward food out. I am now starting to realize why I want some foods more than others and the emotional control I have given food in my life. I weigh myself once a week to keep track of my progress, although it is tempting to weigh every day. I record my prayers of helplessness in my diary when food is being an inconsolable tyrant.

I have enlisted the help of others. I have asked my close friends and family to pray with me and for me as I undertake to save my life through these much needed changes. I am essentially asking them to keep me accountable by letting them know of such an intimate struggle in my life. They have permission to ask me how I am doing and then to dig deeper if I try to be flippant and give a reply of fine or okay. One friend has offered to loan me a vegetable steamer. I have found out another friend is having to make dietary changes for her health as well. We pray for each other knowing what the other is going through.

My body and I will eventually make peace with one another. For so long, I have ignored what my body has needed and craved. I am learning how to give it what it needs. I have dropped fourteen pounds at last weigh in. I am trying to make amends and hope that soon my body and I will be friends again.


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    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      Billi, thanks for the encouraging comments. I am looking forward to your hub on inflammation and nutrition. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. I'll take all the help I can get.

    • Billi Grossman profile image

      Billi Grossman 

      6 years ago from Enchanted with New Mexico

      Wow. Your story is moving. Keep up the great work and attitude. You make me want to write more. I know some things about nutrition and inflammation that may be helpful to you and will try to get them into a hub soon. Billi Grossman, RD LD

    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      cybersister, thanks so much for your comments. I appreciate your struggle and wish you well on your weight loss goals. Congratulations on losing those 11 pounds!!!!!!! I take one day a week where if I want it, I eat it. Knowing I have that one day a week gets me through some intense cravings during the rest of the week. To date, I have lost 16 pounds. Only a gazillion more to go.

    • your cybersister profile image

      your cybersister 

      6 years ago from Just relocated from Florida to the mountains of North Carolina

      My favorite foods are those high in calories with absolutely no nutrious value whatsoever. This was not a problem when I was young, but now is a whole different story. It has taken me 11 months to lose only 11 pounds! I do hate worrying about what I eat, but it seems that thinking about it is a necessary evil. My goal was to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year - needless to say I am not going to make it, but if I hadn't put forth any effort I wouldn't have lost anything at all. Good luck to you in your efforts. Reward yourself in some way when your willpower is strong and don't berate yourself for being human and slipping up occasionally. Every pound that you lose is an improvement and eating better WILL eventually make you feel better.

    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      Eiddwen, thanks for reading and for the well wishes.

    • Eiddwen profile image


      6 years ago from Wales

      Thanks for sharing this one and I wish you well on your way.

      I now look forward to reading many more of your hubs.

      Take care


    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      lucy, thanks for the suggestion.

    • lucybell21 profile image

      Bonny OBrien 

      6 years ago from Troy, N.Y.

      I swear by The Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar miracle health system. I have one of their books and swear by it. They are health pioneers since 1912. You can go to the website and take a look around.

      Way back in the day when Jack Lalanne was a kid, the Braggs helped him.

    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      B, Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate the well wishes. In the past four days, I have had two sodas. I didn't know that fruit needed to be eaten in moderation like sodas but that makes sense as they are high in sugar also. Thanks for the advice.

    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      jenubouka, Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Thank you for the encouragement. I like the idea of beating a cake into crumbs and will remember this when the cravings get bad again.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 

      6 years ago

      As Women, we do have such a LOVE, HATE, relationship with our bodies...and it starts at such an early age. Very Good and Timely Hub on this Subject Icbenefild, especially with Thanksgiving around the corner. I worked for a Heart Specialist for 10 years and he had a wonderful program and cutting out Soda's is top priority there is so much sugar in them. Fruits too are to be eaten in moderation. Goood Luck my Friend, you will succeed.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I had to mark funny for your aspect on trying to lose weight is lighthearted, which I think is necessary for success. Just remember that it did not take you over night to emerge in unhealthy habits so it will not be an overnight journey to achieve your goals. Just remember baby steps, if all else fails and you find yourself emerged in cravings try this: Grab a friend, a bat, and a cake then proceed to an empty parking lot (this will help people gawking), place the cake on the pavement and beat it with the bat. The friend is there to make sure you don't eat the remains and to be the look out for the cops apparently this can get you in some trouble. If this occurs, you tell the cop you are on a diet and premenstrual, he will back off...

    • lcbenefield profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Georgia

      Top, thanks for reading and for the encouraging words.

    • Topnewhottoys profile image


      6 years ago from Salisbury, Maryland

      good luck with your efforts


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