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My Father's Cancer

Updated on November 9, 2011
carolinemd21 profile image

I am an artist, designer, photographer and writer. See more of my work on cmariearts.

Cancer is a vicious disease.

My dad died of pancreatic cancer in June 2006. Five days after my birthday. It was the most disconnected and heart breaking time of my life. I didn't know how to handle all of the emotions that were coming out of me. I wanted to stuff them all down and not feel anything and escape. The first time he was diagnosed was in 2003. He had some chemotherapy and it went away. When it came back in 2006 it was determined fatal which was devastating on all of us.

A part of you dies when one of your parents die. I can't really explain the feeling, but even when you accept the loss, you still feel like something is never recovered. That something is missing. When he passed I felt like something was being torn away from my body and I felt like screaming. And I did scream and cry and cried some more. I felt like I was going to die from the pain and I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore.

My father and I weren't very close. We barely talked. There was somewhat of a language barrier, but other than that I never knew how to relate to him in a lot of ways. On the positive side he was extremely funny. On the other side there was this distance and a lot of resentment. A lot of heartache. I couldn't stand the pain of him being sick though. I felt close to him in spirit when he was sick. It was the strangest thing.

I never really knew how he felt about being my father until I had a spiritual experience while driving his car a few week's after his death. It was the most beautiful and gentle experience I've ever had with my father. He apologized to me for everything he ever did that hurt me and I could feel his whole spirit. He knew what kind of problems I was having then too, he saw everything and felt sorrow that I was going through that. He wanted to help me and say it wasn't my fault. All the bad relationships and all of the pain I went through he saw. He also let me know that I should love myself. I was his daughter then and he was my dad like he had never been before.

At that moment I cried, and all was forgiven. All of the resentments I had and disconnectedness went away and I felt a bond with him that I've never had before. One that I had always wanted growing up. And as I kept driving on that rainy hot summer day I felt happy and at peace like I never did before. I listened to his cds while driving and smiled to myself.


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    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Stessily- love does transcend time and space, thank you for that.

      Epi- I'm sorry to hear of your father's and your mother's death. Cancer really is a horrible and ugly disease that can come at anytime in any way. It is sad when where we work can affect us and give us cancer or any disease for that matter. My heart goes out to you and thank you for your heartfelt comments.

      Debby- Thank you for stopping by and reading my story. Yes, it is amazing that healing can occur after the passing of a loved one. It's never too late.

    • Debby Bruck profile image

      Debby Bruck 6 years ago

      Dear Carolina ~ You've opened up so much by sharing this tribute and the healing process of broken family relationship that can mend even after death. Those left on earth can receive spiritual messages in a way we cannot measure. Only you know inside that a change has occurred and brings peace and contentment. I relate to your story. Loss through the pain. Blessings and wishing you joy in the future, Debby

      P.S. Dear Epi ~ condolences for the loss of your parents and -- meow -- to the kitties.

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      ...well my friend I cry for you too - and you really don't know how much, until I tell you.

      You see my dad passed away from lung cancer back in 1992 at only 74.

      He wasn't a smoker but where he worked had a lot of dust in the air and over the years it filled his lungs.

      When he went into the hospital they didn't know what was wrong with him and when they detected cancer it was terminal and they only gave him 3 months to live; actually he lived for 4. It was naturally hard for my mum and I because we had a small family - just her and me and now that I lost my mum back in 2004 I have no family except my two cats - so yes my friend I cry for you and reach out with a cyber hug - and try to celebrate your dad's life if you can with your lovely and blessed memories.

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      stessily 6 years ago

      carolinemd21: This tribute to your father is moving and heartfelt. I think that you are indeed blessed to have had the reconciliation and rapport with your father's spirit that eluded the two of you while he was visible in this life here on earth. The power of love transcends and dissipates the boundaries of time and space. Thank you for sharing this experience, which is bittersweet yet also powerful and lovely.

      Kind regards, Stessily

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      Hubertsvoice 6 years ago

      I tip my hat to that.

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Thank you Hubertsvoice, Lastheart, & Titsy for stopping by and reading my post. Losing someone is a very difficult thing. I am touched by your heartfelt comments. The people we love are always with us even when we think they are not. :)

    • titsy profile image

      titsy 6 years ago

      Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad, my 2 sisters, my brother and my husband - No words could express how I felt back then. I'm glad you made up with your dad. Time will heal you as it did to me. They are not within our sight now but their memories will always linger with us and that is one thing that kept me going in life.....God bless you Carol....

    • Lastheart profile image

      Maria Magdalena Ruiz O'Farrill 6 years ago from Borik√©n the great land of the valiant and noble Lord

      Carol, many will identified with this hub and those that still haven.t probably will. We the people need to understand that life is short and death will come one way or the other...yeap...hurts and the pain will rise time to time. Let's do to others in life what we can not do in life. You did it good trying to find how to be with your father's warmth. Parent's legacy many times is seen after...the great is to see it...not really when. Blesses and hugs!

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      Hubertsvoice 6 years ago

      I knew that feeling when my Dad died around Thanksgiving 1979. The only feeling of thanks I felt that Thanksgiving was for the years that we got to spend together. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Thank you for the compliment. Yes when someone close to you from your family dies you can feel lost for awhile, but then come to terms with reality and accept it.

    • Joshuad profile image

      Joshuad 6 years ago from The World Of Making The Assumed Impossibilities Possible.

      Yes, its true, a part of you dies when you miss someone so close especially your blood.

      Felt sorry but its good that you've understood the situation as "usual".

      Great Hub.