My Fourth Ketamine Infusion at 125 Mg Felt Like Death
Nervous About Fourth Infusion
I was nervous about my infusion at 125 milligrams. I wasn't extremely nervous, as one of the members of the clinical staff mentioned that 125 milligrams was their 'relaxation dose'. She did mention that 150 mg was 'too much' for her. I didn't understand what that meant, and she didn't go into details...and I didn't ask. I thought 125 milligrams would be fine. I was wrong.
My 60 Milligram Ketamine Infusion Experience
At 60 milligrams, I felt so relaxed. I watched an ocean DVD and listened to an Abide app scripture reading. My phone buzzed a few times with notifications, but I simply didn't care. I was mesmerized by the television that played coastal, peaceful beach scenes. I felt liberated from stress, and a bit confused at how three-dimensional everything on the television seemed.
My 80 Milligram Ketamine Infusion Experience
At 80 milligrams, I had an amazing spiritual experience. I was listening to the Abide app, and there was a story about Jesus washing the disciples' feet. I felt a closeness to Jesus, and even felt myself embracing him. I imagined embracing a very large shoe, or calf, or leg, and I just 'knew', in my mind, that it was Jesus. I even felt the presence of his long robe around me, and I felt safe and comforted. It was a beautiful thing. In my feeling at 80 milligrams of Ketamine, I didn't even care that it was a giant leg among the sea. I just felt deeply happy, safe and comforted.
My 100 Milligram Ketamine Infusion Experience
At 100 milligrams, things because a little stranger. I watched a strange aurora-esque, spacey DVD. Things got a tiny bit out of control, as I felt less 'in control' of my body. I seemed to zone into a space theme in my head, and there was vastness and stars and I felt the grandiose and majesty of God. Even though I felt like I was in Space, I felt safe and comforted feeling the presence of God. Again, the Abide app helped to guide my thoughts this way, and I wanted to think of spiritual things, so I am glad for it. Sometimes, the words from the app became a bit garbled or jumbled, but then it would get back in tune again.
My 125 Milligram Ketamine Infusion Nightmare
The 125 milligram infusion was a monster, and I would be happy if I never tried that milligram strength again. It was definitely 'too much' and definitely not a 'relaxation' dose for me. It's hard to explain what I felt, but I will meld many versions of my experience together to give you a feel of what 125 milligrams of ketamine infusion felt like, for me. (Keep in mind, this dose is considered 'relaxation' for some people, so results may definitely vary!)
For the 125 milligram Ketamine infusion, I watched an ocean DVD again. I listened to the Abide app, and felt comforted that I would maybe be transported to a spiritual place as I listened tot he comforting words of the scripture reading. Midway though the infusion, the images on the television started to look completely warped. There was a part where they showed a mangrove, but the mangrove seemed to 'web' over the television, and have a 'spidering' effect...like how a cracked cell phone LCD screen would look like. I was confused. At this point, the television screen showed something that looked like a red sky with a red ocean and a very large, bright orange sun. I became confused. Was this part of the DVD? Why did it feel so sinister? It seemed to appear 'static-y', as if white noise could be translated on to the image itself. The words I was listening to, I couldn't even pay attention to at all. It seemed like loud, horrible background noise. I started to feel afraid and helpless. All of a sudden, this blurry, red image turned into something that felt like a long lost memory, or dream.
I Thought I Died Or Never Existed
The long, lost, scary feeling and series of images and events seemed to be a dream, or repressed memory, of me being 'nothing'. I spiraled into an atom, or a molecule, and I was spinning. I felt as if I were the nucleus of a cell, but not a person. I was truly concerned that I died. I could not feel my lips. I would not have consciously been able to talk, I believe. I couldn't' feel my legs. I completely lost any contact with the room around me, or the clinician who was in the room monitoring me. When I 'was' the nucleus of the cell, red was the theme, but almost the red of an embryonic sac within a pregnant woman. That's what it felt like...as if I died, and I was nothing but a spinning nucleus. I felt like a single point in the universe...spinning, but replaying this terrible 'deja-vu' of being bound to a chair, watching a strange, red-tinted, demonic-looking ocean, unable to talk. I watched the shadow of something, or someone, walk across me, and say something in words I couldn't understand. I felt safe for a second, and then, again, the spinning, the rebirth, the vortex of red and distortion. It kept going on, and on. It felt like a forever. It felt like I was stuck in this vortex for eternity, for infinity. The interesting part is that when I was a spinning nucleus, I wondered if I ever existed. I felt as if I were the first cell on Earth, and that I had a secret to the universe. I feel as if I was there, when the universe was made, and that all life, somehow, had to do with me being that spinning, red nucleus. The worst part was..wondering what happened to me, and if I was this nucleus all along, all my life. Did I ever exist? Where was God? I tried calling out to him, but felt scared because I was a 'nothing'.
I Cried for Help?
Then, it all started to slowly end. I started to focus in on everything. The clinical person in the room, monitoring me, told me that I panicked a bit. She mentioned that I tried getting up from the chair, and that I said, "Help." I never remember saying help, but I did feel extremely, extraordinarily scared. She mentioned that she cut off my infusion 5 minutes shy of the full 40 minutes. I had a hard time talking to her, as my speech was very slurred and I still felt scared. I felt comfortable when I started to get a sense of my 'self'. I was alive. I was okay. I was me.
Revelations from the 125 Milligram Induced Nightmare
I believed that all spiritual experiences would be good, but when I was a nucleus, the theme that I felt was of 'sin'. Sin, as in, bad things, as in...this is Hell. This is forever. This is final. I felt strange thinking about concepts , like, we were once a mass of cells. We were cells, we were nothing. We came from nothing, and when we die...what happens? I Felt kind of upset and strange the whole day. I tried talking to my husband about my experience, and he only mentioned that I was hovering in a world between fake and reality, but I don't believe this to be true. I feel as if I understood that I was part of a whole..that the world truly is connected, and we really came from cells, and that all we are is molecules. The 'sin' component made me feel even more compelled to be on God's side...especially if things got hairy someday. I don't want to feel that 'spinning nucleous of inifity' feeling every again. IF I ever had a dejavu of that event, of that memory, I would probably have a panic attack, I believe. I felt the trauma of that event for maybe two days, then the thoughts subsided. What's left is the thought that I am connected to the world, and that I'll probably never try 125 milligrams of ketamine infusions again. I may have gone into a "k-hole" or experienced 'ego-death', but I am not familiar with these terms, and from what I understand, these experiences in the K Hole or Ego-Death are subjective. Spoiler: The shadow I saw walk across me was actually the medical staff personnel that came over to disconnect the Ketamine infusion. Apparently, she came over to me to comfort me and tell me I will be okay. ( I do not remember this at all. ) This was the 'hope', but my mind repeated the events and relayed it as false hope. Strange, and hard to explain.
After the Ketamine infusion of 125 milligrams, I feel like I woke up to a new life. I feel more appreciative of how cells become a human, and of how in God's universe, we are just molecules and atoms and spinning nucleus. I appreciate that I understand the consequence of sin and how it relates to 'infinity'. I did't realize that spiritual 'trips' could be so negatively-tinged, but now I see how something like this can open your eyes to a new reality. I feel grateful, in a way , for the 125 milligram of ketamine infusion. It's something I would have never chosen for myself, to experience this temporary self-death, but I am glad it occurred because it changed my viewpoint of myself and my life.
We are all connected, and we are all spinning, vibrating nuclei, and there's more to life than working and dying. There's something else out there, and Ketamine helped me appreciate this on a level I would have never, otherwise, understood. I can not say this was an out of body experience, as I never hovered above my body, and never looked at it from a birds eye view. I was still inside my body, I just completely lost awareness of it and became nothing, with a deep feeling that this whole time, I was, and am, nothing. I really believed I died and went to hell, and that hell repeated itself as a horrible deja-vu memory of false hope. It's really time to get right with God; that's the ultimate message I received from this.
Some people avoid the K-hole, but others look for it, and relish in it. As for me, I'll be okay if I never go there again. I'll just work on being good with God, and that's just fine with me.Next time, I'll ask for 100 milligram, or 80 milligram. Ketamine has been amazing for me, otherwise.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for formal and individualized diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed medical professional. Do not stop or alter your current course of treatment. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2020 Charlotte Doyle