My Good Days, My Bad Days And The Ones In Between
Living with a mental health disorder isn't easy. I've had some high in the pie apple sky days, some normal, everything's going well days, then comes the blues days where I'm just plain sad, the everyone is getting on my nerves days, followed by my heightened stress level, I want to scream days and the worse days when I sleep fifteen to eighteen hours, have no energy and no interest in going out, doing anything except sleep. A combination of all these days coming at me all at once are just plain brutal. For anyone who deals with a mental health disorder I am sure you can relate to the type of days I've experienced and for that matter, will continue to experience the rest of my life.
The high in the pie apple sky days have me awake at 5am and I am a ball of energy though have to contain myself because the rest of the family is still asleep. These days, everyone's great, everything's wonderful and I am on cloud nine. I talk a mile a minute, my thought process goes from one subject matter to another in seconds and I confuse everyone because those conversations are all over the place hitting on far to many subject matters to keep track of. I don't have a care in the world and smile non stop. Some of my high days when I wake up at 5am I am up for two to three days in a row. Believe me, my house is spotless, laundry's caught up, e-mails read and now, my hubs are on the rise.
My blue days are melancholy with a tinge of sadness that seems to wash over me for no reason. Reflecting on what was, what is and what may be invade my thoughts bringing on the tears. On these days no matter where I am I find a quiet place for the times that I need a few minutes to compose myself. At work it's usually the ladies room, when home I retreat to my bedroom on submerge myself in a book, a movie or go on hub pages. Writing seems to lift those sad feeling's giving me a break for a little while at least.
Finding myself on edge is usually the time that people and noises of any kind send a surge of anxiety that makes my skin crawl. I cringe when someone talks loudly, complains incisively, or talks about inconsequential nonsense for what seems hours. Snapping gum, tapping finger nails, popping bubble wrap, typing faster than the speed of light, crunching anything from chips to nuts, hearing any noise when someone eats sends shivers down my spine. There have been times, more often than not that these noises drive me over the edge. Causing me to walk away before I scream. What's weird is, I can make all the noises I listed above and they don't bother me.
Massive overload days have me running in all directions, having no idea where I am going or what I am doing. My forgetfulness increases. Irrational thoughts invade my mind, crowding my brain, pushing any hope of normal thought process away. Not able to sit still hinders my ability to work effectively, data entry errors increase, putting my job in jeopardy, leaving me to wonder if my semblance of sanity will remain.
I know that I don't have multiple personalities, yet sometimes I even scare myself with the ever changing moods swings. These multiple personalities days have plagued me as far back as I can remember. I never knew and sometimes even now which mood will great me when I wake up in the morning. My psyche is so over the top that even dreams play into my bi polar disorder. If I am mad at someone in my dream, I wake up aggravated at that person.I realize this is part of the disorder and that there are different types of bi polar disorder. I believe I've touched on everyone of them throughout my life.
I have even named the moods of the day, there is " Happy Day", my normal everything is okay day. " Sad Day" my sad want to cry at the drop of a hat day. " Day of Irritation " when everything irritates me and I want to scream yet remain calm because my bosses and children wouldn't appreciate that. " Stressed to the Max" day when my stress levels is on the rise and I worry about everything for keeping up with my work load to what will I walk into at home. " Sleepless in Seattle" days when I can't seem to keep my eyes open, have to leave work early because I can't function or I sleep the entire weekend away. " Psychotic Day " where all those other days are rolled up into one and I can't even get out of my own way.
During those days I try to remind myself that I am a survivor and will not give into my mental health disorders. I will face each day as a new challenge, a new adventure in my every changing world of my bi polar disorder I will struggle, falter and pull myself back up, dust myself off and continue on my never ending journey. By the Grace of God Go I.