My Mother Died Today
I'll be out of town for a while. Try not to get into any trouble while I'm gone. *hugs*
Photo by Heaven's Gate
My mother died today.
I always knew that someday I'd see those four words written down...I just never expected it to happen now. Now yesterday...now today...now tomorrow. I never wanted it to be now. Now is always too soon isn't it?
When my youngest sister called me at work, it was hard to understand her...she was crying so hard. But when I could finally understand...it still didn't make sense. I just talked to my mother on Thursday. She called to tell me her sister passed away that morning...and to remind me that I should send something, because I'm really forgetful when it comes to stuff like that.
We talked for hours. My mother loves to talk...and although there were times when I wish she didn't...talk so much...this time, I really enjoyed it. It had been a little while since we talked like this. One subject just led to another which led to another...politics, the Olympics, the freak tornado that hit New Hampshire, books we were reading, menopause...and we laughed. Oh we laughed so much...I can still hear its echoes.
At the end of the conversation, I didn't just give a casual "love ya"...as I sometimes do. I don't know why...maybe because of Aunt Helen's death...but I said, "I love you Mom." You know...that way you say it when you want the other person to really know you do? I could hear the smile in her voice when she said, "I love you too, Laurie." I told her I would talk to her later...
But now got there first...and later could be a long time in coming.
It hurts a lot...but I think it would have hurt a lot more if I hadn't had the opportunity to tell her how very much she means to me.
My mother died today...
...and it feels somehow unreal. I want to curl up into a ball and not think about it, let sleep claim me and allow me to forget for just a little while.
But I cannot. My brother and sisters need me. I need them too. And so I will finish packing my suitcase and board that plane in the morning. I'll keep the sunglasses on my face to cover my swollen eyes and plaster a polite smile on my face so that nobody will suspect or even worse, be tempted to offer sympathy and undo my carefully contructed façade.
There will be a time for tears...a time for the nearly crippling pain of loss...but not now, not yet. If I can just keep it together for a little while longer...
But it's hard. Memories keep intruding...her smile, her voice, her comforting words that tell me everything will be just fine...but how can that be true?
My mother died today.