- Death & Loss of Life
My Personal Struggle In My Faith In God Through Multiple Miscarriages And Losses
Finding Strength In God During Difficult Times
Many are familiar with the pain of loosing a child in utero. I am here to share my story, and offer whatever hope I can to those whom have had loses or will in the future.
I had my first loss at 20 years of age. At the time I was very wild and had little desire to have children if any at all anytime soon. I remember getting terribly ill after a night of drinking at a party my boyfriend and I had at our place. A friend of mine offered the suggestion that I may be pregnant, to which I shrugged off as impossible. The next day, I took a test and realized the 'impossible' was come to pass. My boyfriend and I decided we would marry because we - as many others - felt it was the right thing to do. The undesirable thought of having a child became an exciting longing for us both and some of our family members who supported us completely at that uncertain time in our lives. Three days after finding out I was about 14 weeks along and after a couple emergency room visits due to spotting and cramping, it was confirmed by a doctor that I was, in fact, going to loose this child we had already prepared our hearts for. This began a very fast downward struggle for me into the world of depression and drugs. The devastation seemed so unbearable, I had to mask it somehow, and at that time, that was my only way 'out'.
I had re-dedicated my life to Christ shortly after I turned 21. I began living for Him and increasing each day in my walk with Him through the next several years. When I was 25, my husband and I got married. I basically had a pre-made family, as he had two beautiful and sweet children from a previous marriage that I got to 'mother' when they were with us part of the time. My longing for a child ceased for a while. Mike and I found out we were pregnant I believe in September of '07. We lost our first child together two weeks later. I had been 7 weeks along. This was a great struggle with the desire to have my own children with my husband, and it affected us greatly. We kept our heads up and I remember crying to God asking Him why He would allow this to happen while sitting on the ground at a pond near our home. My mother walked up behind me shortly after, placed her hand on my shoulder and said something that changed my life. 'My peace I give you, not as the world gives.' These were words from God, directly to my bleeding heart. In that instant, an overwhelming peaceful feeling flowed through me as if something magical had happened. I'll never forget it to this day. I knew God had used her to comfort me. I was healed of that hurt almost instantly.
Shortly after that last loss, I found out I was pregnant again in February of '08. My belly and appetite grew, I experienced all the things a 'normal' pregnant woman should experience - misery - lol. Baby kicked and moved daily which was a first for me to experience. Doctors visits went wonderfully, and at five months we found out we would be bringing a baby boy into the world that September. This was an extremely exciting time for us and our families as well. My mother was constantly bringing us things for her first grandson. We had literally collected just about everything we needed for our son, from a crib down to onesies. We were set.
August 9th was a Saturday I will never forget. We had just moved into a new apartment from a four bedroom house because the house had mass amounts of black mold in it and was falling apart. The landlords were slumlords and finally let us out of our lease. We had unpacked just about all night and got some much needed sleep. I remember Kaeden being exceptionally active that morning and thought he was having the time of his life. We ran errands all day, and finally came home to relax. Around 10 or so that night, I realized I had not felt him most of the day. I panicked, and the emergency room visit we had that night confirmed my worst fear. His heart had stopped. They didn't know why, it was certain...he was gone. It was surreal and I blamed God. I was so mad at him for allowing this to happen. I just couldn't grasp it. That has to be the worst emotional pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt my world was stripped from beneath me. Our families and friends were in shock that something so awful could happen so close to my due date. Thirty-three weeks of perfect pregnancy and he was gone. I delivered him on August 10th, 2008 via c-section.
I have never seen my husband so shaken, hurt, confused, and down right devastated as he was the day we came home from the hospital. We had the wonderful chance to hold our precious son for several hours and laid him to rest. But watching my husband loose it all day long took a great toll on the both of us. We both questioned everything...our walk with God, God's faithfulness to us and so many other thoughts and questions.
Healing from that loss took quite some time. I was unable to attend two of my best friends baby showers and one of their child's births. I couldn't handle being around other children and especially babies. I sought God all the time praying scripture over my future in the area of children. My grandmother sought God as well and one day He spoke to her. He said 'This happened for a reason, I am still in control, and Amber WILL have babies'. I held on to this and often reminded God of it, though I didn't know exactly what He had in store for us.
I remember someone telling me about the story of Hannah. She desired so badly to have a child, and watched as her husbands other wife kept having them. She saught God continually on this and kept her faith that He would answer her prayer. He acutally ended up blessing her with 6 children. I read, meditated, and studied this story in the bible contintually. I also claimed it as my own praise report in the future. I often prayed the song she sang to the Lord to Him.
Then Hannah prayed and said:
"My heart rejoices in the Lord;
in the Lord my horn is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.
2 "There is no one holy like the Lord;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.
3 "Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the Lord is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.
4 "The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.
6 "The Lord brings death and makes alive;
he brings down to the grave and raises up.
7 The Lord sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.
8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
"For the foundations of the earth are the Lord’s;
on them he has set the world.
9 He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,
but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.
"It is not by strength that one prevails;
10 those who oppose the Lord will be broken.
The Most High will thunder from heaven;
the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.
"He will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed."
Psalms 106:31 says Moses had faith and it was credited to him as righteousness.
Between what God spoke to my grandmother, and this applicable Bible story, that was the only hope I had.
I found out I was pregnant in 2009. We decided not to tell anyone for a bit and tried to not get too excited about it, but I couldn't help it. I was. We lost that baby at about 16 weeks. I had to have a D&C because of how far along I was. Doctors still did not know why I continued to have losses. We had opted out of an autopsy for Kaeden as I didn't want my child cut on, so we began setting up tests at an infertility clinic.
August 10th of 2010, about a year from my last loss, I had my first doctors appointment at the infertility clinic. As the doctor looked at my uterus to study it, searching for clues to my continual losses, we both noticed a white mass on the screen. It was very obvious even before he said a word. I was pregnant, and I was devestated. I thought 'God, now how are they going to find out what is wrong with me? This will just end in another loss.' The doctor that day spoke something to me that I'm almost positive was from the mouth of God. Doctors could get fired for speaking this way to a patient. I remember him telling me not to stress, not to read magazines, the internet and all of it's stories and talk to people who have gone through losses. He said plain as day, 'This pregnancy is different.' Again, I thought about those words often. I didn't put much into them, but I remembered them. I went back two weeks later to see how the pregnancy was going. As the doctor and the nurse studied the sonogram screen, my heart dropped as the doctor took a very long time examining the picture with a questionable look on his face. I knew it. I had lost another baby. Then a glimmer of hope, he said 'See this heartbeat right here?'. 'Yes' I answered back. 'Well, if you look up here, do you see this hearbeat?'. My heart dropped, but out of unbelief this time. 'Your having twins!' he exclaimed with joy in his voice. I remember sitting in my car calling my husband, mom, and two best friends to give them the news. What a glorious day that was!
Your expecting bad news by now, I'm sure of it. I have none - at least for now. With a perfect pregnancy I experienced morning sickness, and though it was no fun at all, I loved every minute of it. I knew that was a pretty good sign.
Through this pregnancy, Mike, the children, and I all prayed life-giving scripture and anointed my belly every night (though sometimes we forgot). We were believing for a miracle and our faith came to prove itself faithful. I had prayed three main prayers through the pregnacy. I prayed that I would at least make it to 36 weeks, that the babies would both be healthy, and that I could nurse them successfully. On April 13th, 2010, (my 36th week), I went to my final checkup. My nurse gave me exciting, yet scary news. My placenta was failing, baby B was no longer growing, and I didn't even have a week before I HAD to deliver or I could loose them both. On April 14th, I delivered twin baby girls via c-section. They are now two years old and still thriving - and still nursing.
I found out I was pregnant again in 2011. Though it was very early, very unexpected, and very scary, we shared our news again with everyone. We were going to have another baby. With this pregnancy, I had noticed I was growing fine, then one day I was no longer noticing growth. I had also realized I no longer had morning sickness. At 22 weeks or so, I went to the doctor to find out what I was having, and I faced pain all over again. There was no heartbeat. I once again lost another son. He had been calculated to have passed away three weeks earlier. I remember my trip home that day. I sang 'I will praise you in this storm', through tears. I fought the urge to blame Him, and praised Him instead. I loved on Him and put my devotion and trust in Him. Surprisingly, I healed very quickly emotionally, despite enduring another D&C.
This year, in the springtime 2012, we found out we were pregnant again. This time, we were scared and I had even talked to my Pastor about our financial situation, living situation, and the fear of being unable to provide for another child. While I warmed up to the idea of having another child, my heart continued to fear. My Pastor gave me some very uplifting and encouraging advice on how to handle it, and soon my husband and I were ready to accept another child into our hearts and lives. I miscarried two days later. I was only about 5 weeks along. But we were alright this time. Even a bit relieved.
I guess what I would like to stress is this: God has a plan. For each of us, He has a plan. Whether we understand the circumstances in our lives, God's deep desire is to bless us with the desire of our hearts. God blessed me with two healthy babies and grew my faith during some of the most toiling times I have faced. He was still faithful. He was there through every minute of every loss. He is the only way I made it through. I just wanted to give everyone a chance to read my story of sadness and joy, to give hope to those who feel they have none, and a heart to lean on God in those times that seem the worst. He will never desert you.
I may never have any more children, or I may. Regardless, God was faithful to me, and now in hindsight, I see His hand through every loss. It's a beautiful thing.
Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.'