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My Song, The Wreckage of My Silent Reverie

Updated on March 30, 2010

My Song I needed a Second Chance

Backstabber

I wrote this song a long time ago. Let's see how much of it I can remember. It is one of the few songs/poetry that I didn't put on Poetry.com. Thankfully I still own this one. Until i hear back from Lulu, I have no rights to my own poetry and that makes me angry as i have found it published on at least one other site, but can't use it here!

I wrote this after learning who my real friends were. I must tell you first, who I was, as opposed to who I have become.

I was a true innocent when I came to Florida. I knew that people where I lived knew my past and all of the things that had happened which were not pretty. I knew that leaving my husband was the best choice I could make for the safety of myself, and my children. I knew his violence would only increase, and that he would one day kill me.

I took him back, and one night he did. He knew it, and I knew it. It took several years for him to tell me what happened in the missing moments. When one has had as many concussions as I have had, you know when you have another. Usually there is time loss, and pain, but this was much different. The time loss only when I was, according to him, dead.

After that, the marriage should have been over, but still I took him back. I don't know why. I guess it was something to do with my upbringing, my faith, or the fact that my mother had been married three times and I didn't want to make the same mistakes she did.

By the time he finally left on his own, I had two and three jobs at a time. I got a roommate to share half of the house and make bills that way. I trusted other people still. I thought it was just me, and my past that made my husband want to hurt me.

Yeah, I was naive. There are two distinct kinds of people in the world. The damagers and the damaged. I am damaged. The damagers, like wrecking balls aimed at structures that simply must come down, look for the "This Property Condemned" signs, and then wham.

My next job seemed filled with new friends whom I could count on. I thought at the time, that they loved me as I loved them. I learned after years of this, that they only loved whatever they could get from me. I was useful. I am smart and funny, I know how to make money. When I am being genuine, and gaining tips, and we share them equally, yeah, they needed me. There was no real friendship. The song, Backstabber, was written then.

Because of this, I have been told, that now there is a palpable wall between me, and all of the people I meet, work with, go to school with. They do not even try to touch me, hug me, shake my hand. They are sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that coming in contact with that wall will result in damage. Believe me, they can feel it. I have seen the look in their eyes when they are approaching me. Wary, like a dog who sees that you may actually have food in your hand, but who has been whipped for begging, people look at me like that.

I do not have an evil scary face, nor any weapons at my disposal. Somehow, even five years working with the same people, only reinforces, they could see the impenetrable wall. The barbed wire stretches around the top, and across it, so that even I cannot scale the walls. I am a prisoner inside the castle of my own making. That is why I have been happy here. You cannot see my walls, or my property condemned sign. The odds of you wrecking me are slim.

What do you think?

Who are the Biggest Back Stabbers

See results

The Song, For all of those Back Stabbers.

I was so young and naive

When you first got to me

You took me underneath your wing.

I never thought for a second

That you were holding a weapon,

I thought it was a normal hug

as you stretched you arms to me...

But what is this I see?

I see the flash, of the light

off the blade, of the knife

Out of the corner of my eye.

I know I must be insane,

to let you cause me such pain,

Only a friend could get that close,

My fault, I guess I should have known

Back stabber.

You got as close as you could get,

Pats on the back, from you my friend

I got so used to you giving me praise.

You see the look, of surprise

then the pain, fills my eyes,

And you can look me in the face!

Do you feel the least disgraced,

to see me crumble like a fool,

you see me as only a tool,

nothing human you could maim

And so it causes you no shame

Back stabber...

I thought you were my friend,

from the first, you took me in

I was dazzled by your smile,

Yeah, it took me awhile...

Now I see the flash of the light,

off the blade of the knife,

as you come in for the kill.

Into your harmful embrace

Take one more look at my face,

You think you bent me to your will.

You should glance behind,

you see, you too are blind

Although I'd never wish you ill,

I came prepared for you and still

You didn't see, the flash of the light,

off the blade of the knife

that I've been hiding up my sleeve.

I see the look of surprise,

I see the fear, in your eyes,

Did you think I'd ever let you leave?

Back stabber

I learned your game so well,

funny... even you couldn't tell

Now the tables suddenly turned,

This time you are getting burned

I wipe the blood, on my skirt

and watch you sink, in the dirt.

Thanks for teaching me so well

Now you can go to H***

Back Stabber.

Yeah, my daughter said I had issues. That's why this was never published. I used to sing it though, every time I found my closest friends had the knife in their hand. Funny how people can be so kind and have a nasty secret, lying in wait like a rattle snake. I hate having to be a prisoner. But you see it's safer that way. No one can reach my back, and I can't reach theirs. It's just the disease i acquired, it was carried by my friends.


Yeah, The O'Jays Said it Well

Comments

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    • Faybe Bay profile imageAUTHOR

      Faye Constantino 

      8 years ago from Florida

      Thank you, Lorlie. It's good to see that I am not the only one. People try to tell me how to get better, I thought I was better. :lol:

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      8 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      I also live with my walls secured, built over the years. This beautifully written hub reminds me of that necessary distance I keep from others. Faybe, I am so pleased to have finally 'followed' your writing-it resonates with me.

    • Faybe Bay profile imageAUTHOR

      Faye Constantino 

      8 years ago from Florida

      Thank you Paradise. I appreciate your comment. I am not one who can heal any more. My scars run deep. I am happy, and healthy. I am kind and try to be friendly.

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 

      8 years ago from Upstate New York

      Faybe, I don't quite know what to say. Healing is a process, and how long it is depends on how much you've been hurt, at least partly. It sounds like you've been hurt a LOT, so give yourself some time, just as long as it takes, to heal.

    • Faybe Bay profile imageAUTHOR

      Faye Constantino 

      8 years ago from Florida

      Hey, Getmyback! I was looking for a song by a country singer, it was after 9/11, and it was about not letting the world change me. It was one of my anthems for years. I explained to some sweet "trainees" at work, twins, they worked opposite shifts and they adored me. Then gossip got going and they "had my back"; one sister almost believed the talk, but the other said, hold on and pulled her sister back.

      Later, something happened where I could have taken advantage of one of the people who had known me longer, but had fed into the gossip for all she was worth. When I didn't, it was shift change and the twins set on me, "That was your chance", But I told them about that song. See just because I know how to hurt people, just because I have been hurt, I can't let that change who I am. I love people. I am kind. I may seem distant and untouchable, but I will not hurt someone because I can, even if it's payback, I just won't do it. I can't let the world change me, I have to be kind in spite of it.

      My husband told me "People perceive kindness as weakness, they think you're weak!" I said "well then they'll have to learn that I am strong, not by me turning on them, or turning my back on them, but by continuing me to be me."

    • profile image

      getmyback 

      8 years ago

      Faybe, My goodness I feel your strength you have mostly had to develop, but I don't care what you are or who you are, just am very effected by you. You don't know how many people you touch and I commend you on your survival skills from your rough journey and yet have never seen, hate, resentment, bitterness or revenge in one of your words nor your actions.

      If it's ok with you I am going to look at you like a sponsor as you inspire me

      these are true words

      im on your coat tails lol

      thank you so much for sharing, I know how difficult that is to do

      God Bless

    • Faybe Bay profile imageAUTHOR

      Faye Constantino 

      8 years ago from Florida

      Thanks Breakfastpop. There are so many who are wolves in sheep's clothing. I am okay stuck in my fortress, it's safe. I need it. I have gambled too much already. I am not in pain for it, rather it is a more peaceful existence. I miss contact occasionally, but I get over that quickly.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 

      8 years ago

      Dear Faybe,

      Your story fills me with sadness and although I can understand why it would be hard to trust anyone again, I hope one day you can. You need to trust your intuition and gravitate to people who are truly capable of love and friendship. Trust me, they are out there. Your hub is magnificent and oh so moving.

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