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- Personality Disorders
My Song, The Wreckage of My Silent Reverie
My Song I needed a Second Chance
I wrote this song a long time ago. Let's see how much of it I can remember. It is one of the few songs/poetry that I didn't put on Poetry.com. Thankfully I still own this one. Until i hear back from Lulu, I have no rights to my own poetry and that makes me angry as i have found it published on at least one other site, but can't use it here!
I wrote this after learning who my real friends were. I must tell you first, who I was, as opposed to who I have become.
I was a true innocent when I came to Florida. I knew that people where I lived knew my past and all of the things that had happened which were not pretty. I knew that leaving my husband was the best choice I could make for the safety of myself, and my children. I knew his violence would only increase, and that he would one day kill me.
I took him back, and one night he did. He knew it, and I knew it. It took several years for him to tell me what happened in the missing moments. When one has had as many concussions as I have had, you know when you have another. Usually there is time loss, and pain, but this was much different. The time loss only when I was, according to him, dead.
After that, the marriage should have been over, but still I took him back. I don't know why. I guess it was something to do with my upbringing, my faith, or the fact that my mother had been married three times and I didn't want to make the same mistakes she did.
By the time he finally left on his own, I had two and three jobs at a time. I got a roommate to share half of the house and make bills that way. I trusted other people still. I thought it was just me, and my past that made my husband want to hurt me.
Yeah, I was naive. There are two distinct kinds of people in the world. The damagers and the damaged. I am damaged. The damagers, like wrecking balls aimed at structures that simply must come down, look for the "This Property Condemned" signs, and then wham.
My next job seemed filled with new friends whom I could count on. I thought at the time, that they loved me as I loved them. I learned after years of this, that they only loved whatever they could get from me. I was useful. I am smart and funny, I know how to make money. When I am being genuine, and gaining tips, and we share them equally, yeah, they needed me. There was no real friendship. The song, Backstabber, was written then.
Because of this, I have been told, that now there is a palpable wall between me, and all of the people I meet, work with, go to school with. They do not even try to touch me, hug me, shake my hand. They are sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that coming in contact with that wall will result in damage. Believe me, they can feel it. I have seen the look in their eyes when they are approaching me. Wary, like a dog who sees that you may actually have food in your hand, but who has been whipped for begging, people look at me like that.
I do not have an evil scary face, nor any weapons at my disposal. Somehow, even five years working with the same people, only reinforces, they could see the impenetrable wall. The barbed wire stretches around the top, and across it, so that even I cannot scale the walls. I am a prisoner inside the castle of my own making. That is why I have been happy here. You cannot see my walls, or my property condemned sign. The odds of you wrecking me are slim.
What do you think?
Who are the Biggest Back Stabbers
The Song, For all of those Back Stabbers.
I was so young and naive
When you first got to me
You took me underneath your wing.
I never thought for a second
That you were holding a weapon,
I thought it was a normal hug
as you stretched you arms to me...
But what is this I see?
I see the flash, of the light
off the blade, of the knife
Out of the corner of my eye.
I know I must be insane,
to let you cause me such pain,
Only a friend could get that close,
My fault, I guess I should have known
You got as close as you could get,
Pats on the back, from you my friend
I got so used to you giving me praise.
You see the look, of surprise
then the pain, fills my eyes,
And you can look me in the face!
Do you feel the least disgraced,
to see me crumble like a fool,
you see me as only a tool,
nothing human you could maim
And so it causes you no shame
I thought you were my friend,
from the first, you took me in
I was dazzled by your smile,
Yeah, it took me awhile...
Now I see the flash of the light,
off the blade of the knife,
as you come in for the kill.
Into your harmful embrace
Take one more look at my face,
You think you bent me to your will.
You should glance behind,
you see, you too are blind
Although I'd never wish you ill,
I came prepared for you and still
You didn't see, the flash of the light,
off the blade of the knife
that I've been hiding up my sleeve.
I see the look of surprise,
I see the fear, in your eyes,
Did you think I'd ever let you leave?
I learned your game so well,
funny... even you couldn't tell
Now the tables suddenly turned,
This time you are getting burned
I wipe the blood, on my skirt
and watch you sink, in the dirt.
Thanks for teaching me so well
Now you can go to H***
Yeah, my daughter said I had issues. That's why this was never published. I used to sing it though, every time I found my closest friends had the knife in their hand. Funny how people can be so kind and have a nasty secret, lying in wait like a rattle snake. I hate having to be a prisoner. But you see it's safer that way. No one can reach my back, and I can't reach theirs. It's just the disease i acquired, it was carried by my friends.