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My 12 Hours On The Beyonce Lemonade Diet - Don't Get Me Started!

Updated on May 9, 2011

My 12 Hours On The Beyonce Lemonade Diet - Don't Get Me Started!

Let me start by saying that I'm not really fat per se but at the same time, I'm carrying around at least fifteen pounds I could afford to lose and when I recently tried to convince my doctor that perhaps it was muscle mass (from working out at the gym) that was making me tip the height to body weight chart on its ear, he felt my bicep and dryly said, "I don't think so." And while I'm not a fatty boomballatty, I'm not "gay thin" either. I was in LA last week hanging with what I lovingly call "My LA Gays" and let me say that I look like the Star Jones "before" ad and they look like the "after" (if you know what I mean) although none of them have had "medical intervention" (read that blog here...Star Jones Please Please Go Away) I had heard that when Beyonce was getting ready to do Dreamgirls she had decided that she needed to lose weight so that she could look more like gay thin icon, Diana Ross (which anyone who knows the musical, knows that while there are similarities, it is NOT the story of the Supremes although Baby Love, it's a fabulous musical) so she went on this lemon water with maple syrup and cayenne pepper fast and lost twenty pounds. I thought, perfect right? I read about it and found out that it's really called "The Master Cleanse" and after getting the supplies, I was all ready to start. So this past Friday morning bright and early I made my lemon water and drank it all day, by 7pm that night I would have eaten the sofa. Thus my story, my 12 hours on the Beyonce Lemonade Diet - Don't Get Me Started!

The real idea behind the supposed cleanse is to rid your body of toxins, give your colon a cleaning out (like your closet in spring) and give you a clean slate as it were to begin to re-toxify yourself all over again with the environment around you when you're done. On my recent family vacation my sister-in-law and I had discussed it and we were ready to go on this thing come hell or hot water spewing out our ass (remember that it's a cleanse with cayenne pepper - come on what do you think is going to happen?) to be thinner then thin on our next meeting. My massage therapist had gone on it and he had lost nine pounds in six days and said he felt more energized than he ever had in his life during and after the cleanse. I had also read in US Magazine (a publication as truthful as the bible, if you know what I mean and I think that you do) that one of the Coreys (can't remember if it was Haim or Feldman) had also gone on it and lost over 150 pounds to get in shape for their new reality show. (He could have saved himself, no one is watching that thing and for good reason)

So with all the success stories that were better than Anna Nicole on TrimSpa, I was ready for the adventure to begin on Friday. I chose that day because I was working from home and while I didn't expect major action on the first day, I was taking the precautionary methods that made sense in this situation. Well, it's a damn good thing that I did because approximately one hour after my first glass of the Jekyll and Hyde fluid (and a cup of "Smooth Move" tea that you're supposed to drink with it) I was off to the races (or moving as quickly as I could to the bathroom). I'll spare you the details of what followed next but let me say that it was not pretty and you could hear my yelping for miles like a gay caught in a bear trap in the woods. (And let me say that days after that my stomach and my bowel movements are still not back to normal.)

I drank and shit, drank and shit all day on Friday and stayed away from the kitchen (especially the refrigerator where my guy's famous homemade barbeque ribs and greens were sitting in there in all their deliciousness). I kept talking myself into another glass of the yellow liquid, trying to convince myself that it was the most delicious thing ever, much better than the Popeye's chicken they showed on the commercials on television. Much better than the home cooked deliciousness that was in my own frige. To be honest, much like they say, it's not the heat, it's the wasn't the lemonade it was the fact that my ass was more sore than a boy crack whore on Saturday night in an alley going for ten cents a dance (if you know what I mean).

To say my stomach was making odd noises is an understatement. Like a scene from Aliens or an old car going over cobblestone streets my stomach would lurch and then scream as if it wanted out of my body. All the while, my guy is saying, "I want to be supportive so let me know if it bothers you if I eat in front of you." God love him, he knew I was crazy and doomed for failure but he did try to show his support. Unfortunately I only heard part of his sentence as I was running back to the bathroom at the time.

Finally at 7pm having drunk all the lemonade that I was supposed to for the day, my stomach screaming like a chick in a horror flick being chased by a killer in a ski mask, and my ass so sore that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life sitting sidesaddle, I had to end my cleanse, my fast, my stupidity. I went right for the ribs and greens and boy were they delicious.

Look, I know that I need to eat less and work out more (or eat seventeen small meals a day and jump on a mini-trampoline while I'm on conference calls all day in my office or something) but I just haven't been able to do it. My heart (or mouth in this case) just doesn't want to do what my head knows it should. However, now that I've seen yet another quick fix the celebrity world tried to sell us is not in fact any sort of fix at all (disclaimer - for me) I'll resign myself to trying to get to the gym more and eating smaller portions to lose the fifteen pounds.

Let's face it, if I'm really honest with myself, it's not like Bill Condon (director of Dreamgirls) is waiting for me to lose the weight to have me star in his next film, or VH1 is waiting for me to lose the weight to go on some bizarre reality show that no one will watch anyway because I'm still the "Greatest Never Was Been There Ever Was" so as long as my guy loves me and my cats enjoy "kneading" on my extra stomach fat that's the way it's going to have to be until I can motivate myself to stay away from the Oreos and get on the elliptical again and again and again.

There are no quick fixes for us normal folk, it's all a lot of hard fucking work and the sooner I realize that, the better. Sure if I had Oprah's chef cooking for me or Michael Thurmond (from Extreme Makeover - love him) working me out or even one of Beyonce's entourage wiping my sensitive ass during the process I guess I could stick to a plan but I'm sure that Oprah would tell me that it's really my inside that needs the fixing (mentally) before I can lose the weight and has nothing to do with all the assistants in the world fawning over me and telling me I look fabulous when I drop six ounces. So hey, I tried to be a celebrity but during that twelve hours I felt less like a celebrity and more like Morale from A Chorus Line when she sings, "I felt nothing, I'm feeling nothing and he said "nothing" could get a girl transferred. They all felt something but I felt nothing except the feeling that this bullshit was absurd." My 12 hours on the Beyonce Lemonade Diet - Don't Get Me Started!



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      briana 4 years ago

      i want to try this but after reading this im like nnooooooo lol

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      Emma 4 years ago

      Further more, it has totally screwed-up my menstrual cycle!

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      Emma 4 years ago

      2 weeks on from doing this diet, I have had severe digestion problems when returning to solid (yet healthy) food! My metabolism has changed and my whole experience of eating is somewhat unpleasant. I now do an intermittent-fast – far better. Do not do this MC!

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      Emma 4 years ago

      Hi all: Here is my experience! Ha!

      I began the MC (Sunday March 24th 2013) , after reading about it two days previously and I got to day 3! I set out with a goal of 6-7 days, being petite and a healthy god weight, and everyone telling me “But, you’re tiny, “DO NOT lose weight, yada, yada. yada, I still wanted to do this just for a few days to see how I went, and test my will-power and inner strength And obviously as I really wanted a cleanse! I gave up smoking January the 17th , so this was another reason, for wanting and feeling the need to rid my body from extra filth! Here is my progress. I apologise now for the crude content, but feel it is beneficial to others to know what to expect! Anyway here is my diary I kept on a daily basis.

      Day one: Woke up late (11:30am) being a Saturday. Took the SWF at 12 noon, waited 30 minutes, then had a lemon drink. Feeling ok so far. Another lemon drink an hour later, and no hunger pangs. Got through the day keeping myself occupied researching, reading loads on cleansing. Went to bed after taking 2 X Senna tablets. Only one solid bowel movement all day.

      Day Two: Woke up 7am, took the SWF (harder today, made me gag) got it down, waited 30 minutes, took the lemon drink. Took another an hour later, no bowel movement yet. Lunch time came, another lemon drink, feeling ok, trying to get my hands on some grade 2 Maple Syrup, as I only have 1/4 of a jar of it left (mine is Pure Canadian grade A, I am told that’s fine). Rang the health-food store, the woman is kindly keeping one aside for me to collect tomorrow. Get to 6pm, family home, I cook my daughter jacket potato with chicken and cheese and everything else, my son had hot-dogs with lashings of ketchup and American mustard, then chicken, bacon and cheese toasties, I then made my daughters friend thick toasted bread with thick cheese melted on top, made them both chocolate milkshakes, and took it up to them, hell! My partner asked how I could possibly bear to make all this food when I cannot eat myself! Well it keeps me busy and it is the closest I am going to get to food The smell was enough to curb my temptation, and I think: ‘Is it really worth sticking a chunk of this cheese in my mouth for 1 minute of loveliness, and therefore undo all I have done on the MC so far? Quite simple – NO! Quite chuffed with myself for not surrendering Went to bed at 10.30 hungry and salivating over a Double Whopper, Cheese Burger, some crisps, or even some Marmite on toast! But I slept well.

      Day Three: Woke at 7am, took the SWF (this time added more salt as of not having had one loose bowel movement so far, only a slightly solid motion) I then sat on my laptop for Approx: 45 minutes, felt an urge and broke wind unexpectedly, and “Oops!” soiled my PJ bottoms – I know…..gross! :/ I race to the shower! Then I go and sit on the loo, and have my first proper bowel movement – feeling the urge again now………..BRB!

      2 minutes later: That was serious bum-pee! Sorry to be crude, but I feel this is totally necessary and a lot of people may want to know this, I know I did! I was getting concerned that I hadn’t had a bowel movement in two days from starting the MC, and wanted reassurance So here it is, reassurance, bum-pee galore on day 3! Now I am having my first lemon drink of the day – oops another urge!…….

      3 minutes later: Well another huge bum-pee! I wonder how much more is left in me! 0_o I will sit here for a while and wait for the urge again! They were right when they said not to go out within the first 2 hours of drinking the SWF, and to make sure you are right by a loo! Oh dear, off I go again………..

      2 minutes later: Another huge bum-pee, it reminds me of babies poop! I have never pooped this much in my life (except when I had Norovirus) so my body is certainly having a great clean out! Feels pretty good! And now another urge!…………….

      1 minute later: Still the same amount coming out :/ I hope this is not going to go on too long as I do kind of need to pop out and get that maple syrup, and some more lemons soon!

      Went out an hour later (after no toilet stops in that time) and bought my maple syrup, another load of lemons and some lax-tea and came straight back home! Had one more slight bowel movement an hour after I got home, but very small, so I think that is the majority out, “Alleluia!”. Had my third lemon drink, 3-5 more to go – depending on how I feel, as it can be quite bloating :/ Off for a nap now!

      Day 4: Woke up 7am, decided to have one last SWF at 8am, just to clear out any final matter. I am now just waiting for happenings! I have decided to call it a day with the cleanse (which I have read lots on and take on board it is not really a cleanse as of consuming approx: 944 calories within 24 hours as of the Maple Syrup and lemon juice combined). So I think my body is telling me that it has had enough already, and I listened to some good advice that this is the best time to stop if I am going to stop early,,,,as if I am to gain anything from the MC, it would only be in the first two or three days anyway:) So I am happy with that! Muscle loss and lack of fibre and all that worried me! Just so some are aware, you DO NOT lose fat, you are losing water and muscle! Seriously it may feel like you are losing fat, but it is really not, which is why you may see some sagging in areas after a while. Anyway I knew this from the word go, and as I wanted to cleanse, more than lose weight, it wasn’t an issue whether it was fat/muscle/water I was losing! In fact losing some water-retention was good with me!

      Anyway, I do not feel (like some have mentioned they feel) a loser, or disappointed in only making it three days, I think that is good going! It took determination and will-power at it’s strongest and I know I have done some good, and it is more than doing nothing.

      I have broken the cleanse gently by having some All Bran with just warm water, and “WOW” it tasted mighty fine! I then some orange juice later, some raw veggies and then tonight some home-made veggie soup, and organic brown rice, nothing added! I have had some spoons out of the pot and my taste buds have come to life again and my poor stomach is thanking me!

      I am proud I made it this far and in the future I plan on doing a 24 hr ,every other day proper fast, no Maple Syrup, just lemon water Following this advice:

      Half of the calories consumed are from fructose (a poison) without its antidote (fibre).

      With all that sugar, there’s no rest for the liver, no period of catabolism without anabolism. Studies of fasting have shown tremendous benefits from zero calorie intake for sustained periods, ideally 24 hours.

      There’s no fibre in the intestine, especially after 10 days of only sugar water, to bind toxic chemicals like PCBs and dioxins released from fat cells. Fibre escorts toxins out of the body and prevents the bad guys from finding targets and creating victims.

      Glutathione is depleted after about 24 hours of fasting. Without its replenishment, the body’s natural ability to detoxify is seriously hampered.

      Speaks volumes and makes a lot of sense to me. Anyway the end result I do feel better, much more energised and have also lost about 4Lbs in the 3 days – that is way enough for me! Plus. I have never had spots and today my cheeks are covered in a rash with pimples :/ Also I have leg pain, I guess muscle loss, and a horrid white tongue :/

      Best of luck to anyone else doing the MC, I am glad I tried it, but when your body is saying “Enough” , then it is time to stop! In the future I am doing a proper fast, 24 hours fasting and then 1 day of eating healthy, and so on….my parents do this and they have lost 2 stone between them in a month – but in a much healthier way!

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      Victor Osborne 5 years ago

      Thanks for your post. I have always seen that the majority of people are desirous to lose weight as they wish to look slim in addition to looking attractive. Even so, they do not constantly realize that there are many benefits to losing weight in addition. Doctors assert that obese people have problems with a variety of health conditions that can be perfectely attributed to their own excess weight. The good thing is that people who are overweight and suffering from a variety of diseases can reduce the severity of their particular illnesses by losing weight. It is possible to see a slow but notable improvement with health as soon as even a slight amount of weight loss is attained.

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      suzetteboston 6 years ago

      Funny!You gave Bootyliscious a new meaning.

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      katsuboi 7 years ago

      sounds like you're really unhealthy if you were on the pot all day. I've done this diet multiple times and had great results. I'm no celebrity, but just a determined individual. You really need to be mentally ready to successfully complete this diet.

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      Brandi  7 years ago

      That was so funny, Im starting my fast tomorrow. Although I hope I dont have the same issues( I probably will) Im going to try and stick it out. And trust me I will let everyone know how it went!!!!

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      Marisa Wright 7 years ago from Sydney

      Too much information - but also too funny!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      Definitely keep me posted on your luck with this diet. Even though my experience wasn't great I'm pulling for you Molly's Mom! And while it may have cost you additional money to get rid of the short sleeves, I salute you!

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      Molly's Mom 7 years ago

      OMG I am laughing my ass off.

      I had to call Molly to ask her if she read this.... NO she hadn't but was signing on as I spoke.

      Well, after I read one of your Hubs about older women wearing short sleeves.... I changed my wardrobe, which cost me a few $... but I no longer have my wings flapping in the breeze. So I am going to look up this diet... I wanna give it a try... what do I have to lose? Maybe a few pounds.. maybe my ass, but both would be worth it. I'll keep you posted. And thank you for bringing me up on this overcast day.

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      mtaxi 7 years ago

      Interesting story. You certainly use a lot of gay references. A problem or do you just think its funny?

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      IWANNALOSE 8 years ago

      This was hilarious, yet helpful! Thanks for sharing.

    • Mrs Hozey profile image

      Mrs Hozey 8 years ago

      Ugh. How horrendous.

    • starrkissed profile image

      starrkissed 9 years ago from Arizona

      Thanks so much for this! I still kind of want to try it, because the last person that commented has given me some inspiration... but I'm still pretty damn scared after reading your experience lol. I have been trying to diet for my upcoming wedding in December and it's so hard to NOT eat the bad things and get more exercise. I think this will definitely be a nice "jump start" and then I can get off of it and eat nothing but healthy foods and exercise and just keep my junk foods for 1 day a week to treat myself or something.

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      susan 9 years ago

      Your story was hilarious! I can definately understand, having gone on it for three weeks! I lost about forty pounds. We do have to remember that it's really not for weight-loss, it's for cleansing purposes. I did have a better experience with it. I did lose my appetite after two days, and it became easier for me. To make a long story short, I did feel better than I have in a long time! This is fourteen months later, and I am still smaller and healthier not just because of the diet. It took hard work to stay this way! I must continue to watch what I eat. When I hang out with family and friends and "pig out", the next few days I am eating salads and either fish or baked chicken. That's how it must be done if you want to keep the pounds off. There's no magic cure and you cannot diet and then pig out and expect to stay small. You have to be smart and realistic about it. I have just completed a four-day cleansing again, but it was harder this time. Thanks for hearing me, and I loved your parody on your experience with it!

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 9 years ago from Australia

      You made me laugh today reading this article. So I thank you from my heart.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 9 years ago from Las Vegas

      Well, there you have it - I had no idea. Thanks, Carmella and congrats on making it ten days. I hope on the eleventh you rested.

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      Carmella Ella 9 years ago

      The first couple days are the hardest. I did it for 10 days and lost 15 pounds but the point of the cleanse is not to do it to lose weight... Its all water weight so you gain it right back... You have to be super motivated to do it and it has to be for your health long term, not just to look hot for next week. Yea you will just look hot for a couple days and then binge again and viola your back to normal or even bigger.

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      colonox 9 years ago

      Thanks for taking time and doing research on this subject i've been reading a lot about colon cleansing and using ColonOX

    • Doc Rich profile image

      Doc Rich 9 years ago

      You're a true champion for all of us who've ever hesitated about trying an off-the-wall-crazy approach to getting in shape. Love your style and your timing and sense of humor. You've won a fan here...Be Well:)

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      mastercleanse 10 years ago

      Hilarious! Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Thanks and yes, much better though there's a crazy part of me that thinks I should try it again...then I re-read my blog and come to my senses!

    • teeray profile image

      teeray 10 years ago from Canada

      Thank you for sharing about the very graphic details of your stomach on this lemonade diet...I particularly liked the part about your stomach screaming like a horror movie chick!

      I hope you were feeling better soon after stopping the lemonade diet!

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      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      We saw The Host last night, and this was scarier!