- Death & Loss of Life
Naming The Beast
The Truth About the Black Mark on My Soul
[What follows is a transcription of a handwritten journal entry on my Spiritual Root goal done on my annual beach trip on Wednesday, January 21, 2015. It was done in a deep connection with Deeper Self in “circle” as previously written about in “The Pen Versus the Keyboard: 3 Ways of Finding Your Internal Flow,” and used the Robin Wood Tarot Deck for the first time after receiving them as a gift in 2014.]
XVI THE TOWER: “Unforeseen catastrophe, disruption of ones style of life or way of thinking may be followed by enlightenment.”
XX JUDGEMENT: “Growing awareness; shift in personal consciousness towards union with the Universal”
2:44 – 4:35pm
How do I begin? Yesterday I really started to reconnect with that surge of anxiety and terror that gets triggered by parents and doctor stuff as a way of dreading the dark matter I need to write about today. Then of course, even after a deep settling and relaxation, I didn’t get to sleep until 2:30a -8:30a. Eventually I got around to putting my crock pot recipe together with substitutions using what I had available. Do they use potatoes and Kale in Mexico? Cooking is a way of tending to my Inner Child; who loves the aromas and tastes of good food and has been wanting to play with my new crockpot recipe book that I received as a Christmas gift in our extended family “Dirty Santa” game. When I FINALLY sat down to cast my circle, oh boy, did a deep well of big tears start to rise to the surface. FINALLY. So I did my centering medication (meditation? OH there’s a slip!) and invocations with the idea in mind that I would acknowledge this darkness as an honest part of my year’s events in 2014 without blindly falling deep into the abyss. Because, oh yeah I forgot: thanks to Ann Rivers Siddons and her Outer Banks novel I many read years ago, I now know I am an “Abyss Walker” and so is my dad. It’s something I have to be mindful about staying in the sunlight and on the shore of the Beach letting the waves tickle my toes rather than being emotionally shipwrecked in the massive storms at sea. Both those converged on me in 2014 in a maelstrom that I was totally powerless over and didn’t see coming. How many more of these do I have coming? God, can I get a break already? I’ve had enough challenges for one lifetime! Please have mercy on me and let me have some peace - decades of peace - to harvest all this recovery healing disaster and knowledge.
Here is another thing: I see the value once again of being so thorough with each one of these Roots [The 7 Roots of my Personal Tree of Life] and the massive work is reflecting on the events and outcomes from last year’s intentions in these 7 departments rather than my current 2015 goals. I see how other roots have something to say to this root, and gives perspective as to why this or that intention didn’t happen; because something else huge did. That helps me remember I’ve accomplished more than I think, and am not as big a failure as I seem to believe. Life REALLY happened and I made reasonable choices about stuff I was powerless over.
Additionally, if I don’t get to any of the other 5 Roots this time, the “PHYSICAL” root is another HUGE one to complete in addition to this one; which I expected to complete Monday as I finished the CORE ISSUES/MISSION/HEARTWISH. All of that took 2 days, and now I suspect this one will be all I can do today or maybe even before I leave. I woke up this morning with massive fatigue from so little sleep. I also haven’t finished knitting my poncho or done any logistical numbers work, or [artists’] model calls, or written [my friend,] LGSW. These are vital potential earning actions at the moment. I suspect the PHYSICAL root, which is very important, may be all I can get to on Saturday if I can manage that with packing on Sunday and driving home on Monday. Next week I work Tuesday and Wednesday evenings and will need to unpack, then have to rest Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday; so I may only get to one Root next week if I’m lucky. I still need to pay a bill and wait till I get home to finish creating the Weekly Regimen chart I’ve been thinking about as part of that Root’s intention. I really need that ready before 1st week of February to get started on reentering life according to these intentions. I’m just really behind on all this, REALLY fatigued, and having a shitload of dark emotions coming up: what with this month’s Zinc Liver Chelate; transiting Pluto sextile my natal Moon; and transiting Uranus oppose my natal Midheaven all at the same time. Jesus! I just really gotta let all that be, don’t I? Yesterday, I was once again feeling gloomy about this not being my Best Beach trip; while I also had cause to realize gratitude for actually being able to sit on the Beach for an hour in spite of cold & contemplate the ship docked so close to shore this whole time I’ve been here. Again, later having experienced some deep relaxation and settling, then crying from that People Like Us movie, I had cause to be grateful I am here in this Beautiful Sacred place in my “own” expansive space to go thru this instead of being at home, mashed up with my Parents. All this planetary sh*t on my moon will last until March 8, so I really need to remember to practice extra self-care, extra sleep, and do the writing until then.
So, back to the 2014 year-end review:
You know my Parents erupted with their own “Inner Child Sabotage” right from the start, “exploding bombs in the basement.” April and May were helacious months, so I never even got to research Blue Star Mystery Schools or the Avalon Temple school thing. I did use my phone to make three healing meditation recordings of “Unicorn of Unity Consciousness,” then “Amabiel” and one for “Butterfly & Dragonfly Mandala” for New Beginnings, but every time I listened to them some deep intense stuff came up. I also never really focused on the “Blessing of New Beginnings” represented by BF&DF Mandala for beginning the Hub writing and fiber art work, so that was intense. I did attend most of the monthly Chartres calls and some really big sh*t came up with that as well, which I’m coming around to in a moment. Also I continued attending Moon circles thru Late Spring, most of which had other planned leaders and each circle really slowly evolved from and somehow directly related to that annual first tree/root circle beginning in January and my awakening with the 7 Roots and Wisdom School of Chartres. That sense of presence stayed with me for many months until All Hell Broke loose with Andrew Harvey’s collapsing consciousness sh*t. Damn I wasn’t ready for that even though it helped me put a more conscious framework around my feelings and give me some of that objective perspective I so desperately needed. I was also guided to that Love Tele-Summit last Valentine’s weekend, which also triggered some stuff but gave me some “Light” energy and helped me remember things I already know inside of a container of experiential positive energy. Now these teleconferences are all the rage and I get emails about them ALL THE TIME. I’ve recorded some of them and have listened to some of those and also had a free session with one lady about the dark night and restoring water imagery for meditation. That brought a very deeply resonant and timely experience with water as that was bookended on either side by the March Moon Circle: planting seeds and then the Water Activation Ceremony afterwards right after the Vernal Equinox. All this brought a new flow of Tarot abundance that quickly petered out again. The darkness just kept coming back. The biggest one of all was [my Moon Circle frenemy’s] outright systemic sabotage of the Moon Circle, which I could see happening early on but I was so busy dealing with my own manifest light (innate?) catastrophes – completely inundated w/ my personal PTSD resurgence that I just didn’t get to put the email suggestion about Moon Baskets, or make my statement of disagreement about here unilateral cancellation of that February circle. I was in that workshop when she sent the summer notice, then the Beach in the midst of all the car problems and wanted to use the tools learned thereto make sure my response was conscious and valid before blurting out in Rage. Which is what I did anyway in the Autumn with her final email of death coffin on the same day as losing [my former Jungian Therapist] forever in a really awful way. That was some godawful sh*t and brought up huge rage. I’m still not over the injustice of her actions which were decidedly wrong and I plan to write her a letter and tell her about it. I wanted to talk to [another MC friend] first and get some insight. But she just kept putting me off for months and eventually stopped replying at all; so much for Non Violent Communication and MotherPeace rituals with her. These are the so called fiends in my life.
Sometimes it really isn’t me, and it just really is someone else and their stuff! God help me remember not to take that on! So that was a devastating loss on top of so many others this fall that I never wrote about and needed to and still haven’t caught up with. But an insight of something new was that those two losses specifically made me realize the beautiful things about my home; and underneath all the emotional violence and negativity that goes with living with my parents, there is a lot I really love about my home and my neighborhood. These past 10 years I had the UUCC Moon circle, my loft and swimming pool and walking in this beautiful neighborhood underneath the full moon after a circle. Not only do I see now I never took time to acknowledge the good of all that, but I see I have a deep emotional attachment of love to it and I need to take some time to write about and attend to that. Maybe the acknowledgement of this positive part is the final closure needed to actually let go of this place I’ve lived in off and on since 1980, and move out move and for all. Also that these endings could actually mean opening the door or window on the Dark Night of the Soul I’m in and the light that might be coming in may be marking the end of that tunnel of darkness? Could it be I might actually be emotionally ready to leave soon and finally move into my own proper life? That remains to be seen, but receiving the insight of something I haven’t considered yet brought me some hope. [2:20-2:44p lunch]
I’m glad I reread the corresponding sections from last year. It reminded me how truly connected I felt to a clear vision and a genuine presence on my true path, so that for a moment I didn’t feel lost and alone anymore. I lost that sense of vision and connection so many times last year. It’s hard to consider such things when you’re focused on surviving the wreckage at sea and trying to keep from drowning. Though I will Everytime I did sit down to work on my Hub writings; I absolutely Remembered it or some version of who I authentically am that’s so different from the rest of the world but what gives my life and soul and these writings such value to me. Both pieces I updated got featured immediately and all of them brought up some deep core insight; and I do mean monster ones which helped me remember how deep my intimate connection with Black Madonna goes. Others may not see it, but however long it actually takes it is TOTALLY worth seeing this through: finishing the last 8, which will surely be featured fairly close to posting, and getting these earning programs set up. I forgot all about Shekinah and Metatron but I really remembered the Black Madonna.
The Big Black thing that erupted was the 5 D’s from
Andrew Harvey’s Chartres Conference call April 17, 2014: 5 Shadows
DISBELIEF DENIAL DREAD (DIVERSION) DISILLUSION DESIRE TO DIE
“Massive Collapse to Rebirth/Extinction”
“Continued Insanity/Hubris – Extinction of planet extremely likely possibility”
Answer is: Black Madonna Shadow Work
“Mary is Matrix of our Unification”
Yep. April 2014 was one month from HELL that’s for sure. These 5 shadows were the topic due to “collapsing consciously and possible planetary extinction.” But there were also more very personal reasons for me to be experiencing them:
Discovering the Destruction of my Thyroid Gland and all that means to my health goals and personal paradigm of my own confidence
Degree of severity of this long-term chronic illness I have and reaching age 45: unmarried, no children, no job or career and still living at home. Is this the death of my youth and extinction of future cherished dreams?
How all of this is retriggered right now as January 2015 marks the 10th Anniversary of my first solo trip here to the Beach after surgery, and this meditative writing ritual with Deep Self I’m doing now.
Along with the 5th Anniversary of coming here and grieving a lost love, after a 1 year delayed reaction and discovery of 12 Step Phone meetings, which is triggering my sense of failure as a human
ALL of which points directly to this Truth that I am a Stunted Adult. Still. Somewhere along the line I forgot to grow up.
That truth, these accumulated losses converging on one anniversary and the associated feelings of Shame, Failure, Isolation, Abject Loneliness and Sheer Terror - ongoing Terror - have become the BLACK MARK on my soul. This mark seems much worse than Hawthorne’s Scarlett Letter “A” for Adultery, but Ebony Letters “SA” which I feel just must Be Broadcast to the world every time I leave the house or express myself authentically to another human being publicly or privately. I suppose this may be partially due to the epidemic of divorce in this country; infidelity has become quite commonplace and shoved into our subconscious through reality TV. Meanwhile, women are empowered now and whole generations of women decades younger than me have high powered jobs with high powered salaries. Who cares if you get married, but we are expected to excel and achieve, while utterly denying any underlying emotional or physical problems.
This truth of my Stunted Adulthood was really solidified at my cousin’s husband’s funeral who committed suicide and that surreal trip to Tennessee in September 2012, along with the sudden death in March 2013 of the man who took me to junior prom 27 years ago. That 6 month period really drove home the message that somehow I forgot grow up, and it’s really eating me alive. This Black Mark never really goes away and frequently gets triggered into a shame spiral that always seems to catch me by surprise, which brings up more shame for some reason. I may never really get over it, but the only hope of getting past it is: find a more effective way to productively manage my health issues; establish myself professionally, creatively, & financially; and get the hell outta my parents’ house. I often catch myself feeling that if I was married, or when I get married, I will feel safe: certainly a flawed, outdated and **holy sh*t** antifeminist idea. My time spent with 2 codependent male friends, The Al-Anon Buddy and The Rock Star last year, help me remember I have very good reasons for not being married; but still that feeling does regularly surface unbidden. So I feel I need to at least find a better way of getting distance from it and gain a more conscious perspective. It may help to become more accurately and authentically centered with the idea that this is a significant measure of grief I have as it constitutes my life’s greatest loss. Yet I am 45 at the prime of my life. My uncle is 65 this year in my same boat, financially, anyway. He did get married twice and had 3 kids, one step kid and 2 grandkids so far and at one time, a prosperous career as an architect; however under earning that may be now, post economic apocalypse. The point is, it could be much worse, and I have time still to do something about it. This whole Chartres/ 7 Roots Path I believe is a pretty great way to address it, but will I have enough time, support and relief from my parents sabotage and worldly upheaval long enough to actually get it done in a meaningful way? Who knows?
The same goes for the Big 3:
Probable Extinction of the Planet
Thyroid organ Damage/ change in Health
- Midlife Failure/Possible Extinction of Dream
I’ve spent so much lost unconscious time, mentally or emotionally, somehow believing I’m missing so much without a spouse, and actually having a life to share with that person. Losing the love of my life, who at least still lives only two hours away, and then witnessing my cousin losing her spouse to suicide; I have now had a deep feeling experience of what it is like to lose such a cherished person who was that close to me in such a final way and how even more devastating it would be and was for her. Then these 3 things that I didn’t ask for just came up unbidden seemingly out of nowhere. There it is, I’m forced to examine it. The Extinction of new 3 things are even light years more devastating than the extinction of a spouse: losing my home planet that I walk on every day of my life. My feet touch this earth every day and sustain my very ability to stay alive, which is a gift that I do cherish even in my Blackness. If I stay alive, then I still have a chance at redemption: to readjust and get it right. Then there’s the loss of most of my Thyroid gland. Holy Jesus, it doesn’t get more personal than that except maybe Heart or Brain. All this time I took comfort from the fact this chronic stuff was always minor, mild, no big deal. All my previous doctors colluded in the minimization of that, so it never got an ultrasound, until now when it’s almost too late. From this a whole new boulevard of a broadened picture of my illness is flung open and in flies a whole decade’s worth of repressed Category 5 Rage: Endometriosis from environmental toxins; Autoimmune Thyroid with suppressed immune system due to the “Viral Load;” chronic illness as combined fibromyalgia with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. A whole new giant picture emerged, the details of which really goes into my Physical Health Root. Then I reached middle age, having achieved none of my dreams or my cherished ideals for my own talent, intelligence, training, skill and my purpose, because it was all devoured by emotional upheaval and the Hostile Western Medical Institution. I still really want my own biological child carried in my womb and have that experience of living with a Biological kin. I did all that work and sacrifice 15-20 years ago to preserve and was ahead of the game then. But I lost ten years of my life and at these times it seems my whole life.
That’s why the realization of the 10th Anniversary of my laparoscopic myomectomy and removal of Stage IV endometriosis surgery is so devastating. It was such a success, such a victory and I was in good place then. I had energy to do the whole 2005 Sacred Journey Categories in one week and still went to the beach every day for the cold sunset! It was a solid new beginning: 10 years is plenty of time to rebalance a health regimen, establish a functional career path and get married & have babies. At least I did meet someone who I came somewhat close to marrying. But instead, it’s more health problems, more obstacles, relationships are worse … and I’m in Program! 5 years of telephone meetings and all that service work at the grass roots meeting level all the way up to the World Service level: I woke in the middle of the night a few times on this trip wondering if I’ve accomplished ANYTHING at all in that time. Did I grow at all? Did I mature? Of course I did and this garbage is Critical Parent stuff.
The thing is with all these huge grief and loss pieces, is that they relate to 3 separate essential parts of my cherished Relationship with myself and how precious that is for me. Even more precious than spouse or parents or children: this is me. And I got a deep feeling experience of how deeply I care and feel and love my life, I really do; I just really despise the way I feel forced to live it right now. A part of me stopped believing I remembered how to love and cherish something, but it’s there and I do care. I’m deeply attached and want to fight for it. At the same time, this TOWER card of nonstop upheaval is just a gigantic disaster zone; and hasn’t my life always been one? Everywhere I look is mental and emotional distortion. Before I can come to terms with acceptance about what I’ve lost and find a new path, I first need to get clear about what actually survived the rubble. What are the true facts about all these things I’ve laid out here? What are the true possibilities and true extinctions? I honestly don’t know what all those facts are; much research is still needed.
I have more to say about all this but it’s getting late and I want to go to the beach for the last “warm” day this week. I do get some comfort and solace from these 2 Major Arcana cards, TOWER and JUDGEMENT with simple statements of interpretation. They mirror Andrew’s Conclusion that “Mary is Matrix of our unification.” I am doing the work and having all these feelings is part of it. The Judgement card, “shift unconsciousness towards union with universal,” I can trust it’s happening now. There’s also an extension from 2013 and Dan Brown’s Inferno; a much bigger mass lives underground with the Chthonic Monsters, and needs to be cleared away and dealt with before reconstructing something new on top of it, especially the new foundation within my Root System.
One last issue: I see how valuable staying connected to the Chartres Community is for me. It’s a support community of spirit in alignment with my own spiritual path and lineage. But obviously just being present on these calls is really bringing up some intense upheaval, dissolution of the ego? It’s a double bind. The upcoming audits and classes will get me to graduate faster, but the attendance alone on the calls is also bringing up too much intense inner transformation to deal with at one time. Since my community college days, I have been wanted to do a great books study and now I can audit it for free. However I’ve got so much on my plate already from the external world and so much coming up from the internal deep, would it be too much on my nervous system to add more transformative work, as completely awesome going back to college would be? I sure could use a gentleness break - a nice long one - just to stay on the surface and get balanced, functional and clear headed enough to harvest all that’s happened already, so I need some guidance on this. I know from experience past how profound that spiritual charge is afterwards but it is possible to do too much at once and also important to be conscious of my physical health at the time. Blessed Be.