ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Narcissistic Relationships: There Is No Reward At The End

Updated on June 20, 2019
SinDelle profile image

The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.

Many people in relationships with narcissistic people are operating on the premise that one day it's all going to be worth it. One day they will push the right button and the walls will come down. One day they will explain the right way and the narcissist will finally understand. One day, the suffering and the abuse and the misery will be worth it. One day they will find the key that unlocks the amazing side of the narcissist permanently and it will be beautiful all the time.

This is a common belief and it's very attractive, but it's not true. The only way this could happen is if the pathologically narcissistic person suddenly became an integrated person with an intact identity and the ability to create, regulate and sustain their own self-worth. Ask yourself as sincerely and purposefully as you can: how is that supposed to happen?

The problem is that people believe the narcissist's behavior is caused, created or can be fixed by them. "I will heal them! I will fix them! I will change their behavior by changing mine!" This is a fantasy because it is not based in reality in any way. The type of problems that narcissists have can only be fixed by them doing inner work - if these problems can even be fixed at all. Some of the problems probably can, but some of them probably can't. You can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. It just can't be done.

For example, a very common belief is that pathologically narcissistic people's biggest problems come from not being loved or validated. People then believe the solution is that they will love the narcissist back to health. In theory, this makes sense. If they can see that someone loves them, that will heal their trust and self-worth issues, right? It may even be that this could help some people, but it is usually a painful waste of time with pathologically narcissistic people. You see, in order to be healed by love, someone has to believe they actually are loved. They have to understand what love is. They have to recognize it. They have to accept it. None of these things happens with a narcissist. All that happens is the harder the person tries to prove their love, the more the narcissist denies it. It is exhausting, painful and pointless. They couldn't believe you even if they wanted to. They are seeking love even though they don't know what it is or how to recognize it. If you were searching for something but you didn't know what it looked like, it's a pretty sure bet that you wouldn't find it - even if you were looking right at it.

By trying to reason with a pathologically narcissistic person or challenging their erroneous conclusions, you are asking somebody with critically flawed perception to use that flawed perception to recognize the flaws in their perception. You might as well ask them to be a foot taller. This is not something this person can do. They cannot recognize your sacrifices in the name of love because they cannot recognize love. They will turn harmless actions into vindictive, cruel ones, they will turn considerate actions into selfish ones, they will turn kind actions into manipulative ones all by assigning motives and feelings to you that you do not have. How do you prove it's not true? You can't. It's a trap and all that happens is you get hurt.

Nothing changes for the narcissist. Not really. They didn't believe you before, they don't believe you now and they never will believe you. Believing you would make them vulnerable to whatever horrible thing you are going to do to them once you've got them in your evil clutches. It's not going to happen. That's one of the reasons that if they do show vulnerability, you can almost guarantee that a period of abuse and devaluation will soon follow. They have to counteract that weakness they think they showed and make sure you know you didn't get one over on them. This is a person fighting an endless battle that is beyond what we can really understand or even imagine, and you cannot help them. It's sad but it's the reality of the situation and the sooner it's accepted, the less painful it is.

You're not going to get what you want from this person because they don't have it to give to you. That's the bottom line. There is no way to unlock the awesome side of their personality so that it stays around all the time. That's not who they are. The evil, cruel, hysterical, raging, silent or crazy one is not who they are, either. They are essentially nobody, a person with no identity who is simply struggling to get by in a world they don't fit into or seem to understand very well. Many narcissists were themselves raised by narcissists and they were taught very early that people are fake, kindness is not real, love is a lie, the only way to deal with others or get needs met is through manipulation and the only person that matters is themselves because nobody else cares. They want love but are unable to recognize, understand or reciprocate it. They want to connect but are either unable or unwilling to show vulnerability and sincerity. They want respect but it only goes one way. They want others to be concerned and caring toward them, but couldn't care less about others.

There is no reward, recognition or thanks for your suffering here. There is only pointless effort that results in nothing. Save your energy for healing.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)