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Narcissistic Personality Disorder in your life

Updated on June 17, 2012

Coping with a Narcissist

Maybe you are reading this article because you know there is a problem and most likely you have a Narcissist in your life who is causing you untold grief and pain. Or possibly you have already yelled stop torturing me only to find that there is nobody hearing you. I hear you just as I hope you hear me. You are not the problem regardless of what your Narcissist says instead you are merely an unfortunately located pawn on the chess board of 'their,' life.

As I explained in my previous article Narcissistic personality Disorder is defined as being a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others."

Why then is your Narcissistic loved one picking on you? Who knows maybe just because you are a blood relation of theirs or perhaps because this person envies you or they have been taught that you are inferior to them and as such are fair game for their manipulation. You may have inadvertently said something that set off their overtly sensitive ego or sometimes only the Narcissist themselves actually knows why they are trying to annihilate you emotionally and psychologically.

From my own experience it is futile to try to deal with your Narcissist as you would any other person. Instead when it comes to a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder you need to throw the normal rule book for human relations out the window and begin writing a whole new one.

The golden rule you need to understand emphatically and this can never be overemphasized. If you want really want to get through to the Narcissist in your life you have to acknowledge that it is all about the Narcissist, now today, as it was yesterday, and the same way as it will be tomorrow and in fact it will remain resolutely so forever.

A Narcissist simply does not see and has no interest whatsoever in knowing about your feelings, emotions, or pain. They can’t feel that and because they see you as being only two dimensional anyway they can’t understand the concept of you actually even having feelings.

Even if it is pointed out to a Narcissist that you are in pain too they will automatically assume that it is nowhere near as profound or relevant to the situation as their feelings which to them are far more intense than yours ever could be. How could an inferior being like you feel pain as intensely as them?

Ask a Narcissist how are you? Even if they do ask you back well how are you? They do not really want to know about your mundane banter unless it reveals some item of salacious gossip that they can use to belittle you or someone else. The Narcissist is continually putting down others or criticising then because this elevates them in their own eyes and allows them to peer down at you condescendingly from their superior pedestal.

To be able to have any hope of getting through to a Narcissist you really need to understand that they see everything from their point of view only. The biggest mistake many people make is thinking they can shame the Narcissist into doing something they do not want to do. Countless family members will think they can get through to a Narcissist by appealing to their better nature.

News flash folks! A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder does not have a better nature. To learn how to get inside the mind of a Narcissist you have to approach them strategically. The only way they will do something that you want them to do is if you can entice them by pointing out to them what is actually in it for them or what they stand to lose by not doing it.

When you suggest something to a Narcissist they will be asking themselves are they going to gain anything materially from this suggestion. Will it re-enforce their role as the loving mother? Could they gain new sources of Narcissistic supply? Or worse still could they potentially lose substantial amounts of Narcissistic supply if they do not comply with your wishes? You have to make it worth their while that is the essence of learning their language.

The Narcissist loves to play with your mind and they derive great pleasure from pulling your strings and watching you dance to their tune. If you have a Narcissistic sibling or partner you may have noticed that they do not act up as much if your life is going really badly. That is because your misery elevates them and is like a comforting blanket they can wrap around themselves and feel all warm inside (if they were able to have those types of feelings of course).

You are having a bad run and of course as far as your Narcissist is concerned it serves you right because why would an inferior being like you be entitled to any happiness anyway? What were you thinking trying to get a promotion at work shouldn’t you have know you were getting ahead of yourself and trying to be somebody?

If you fail the Narcissist is smiling and nodding their head in their superior, knowing fashion and they will tell anyone who will listen that of course they knew all along it was going to end that way.

Most of us are inferior people in their eyes and it makes a Narcissist feel very insecure if their Narcissistic supply succeeds where they haven’t. It is also irrelevant to them that they never bothered trying what you have given your best shot to. Why should they have tried? They would of course have been wonderfully successful at it if they had tried but it was just too much trouble and of too little interest to them to bother as they see it. They of course have far better things to be doing with their time. Such is the workings of the mind of a typical Narcissist. Please read my next article in this series if you would like to learn more.


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    • thewritingowl profile image

      Mary Kelly Godley 5 years ago from Ireland

      So true. But still unfortunately many victims only find out what NPD is because they have been psychologically messed with by one and are wondering what is wrong with that person? How can they be so callous? Still I agree that knowledge is the best weapon we can have, at least we can pick up the pieces and move on. Thanks for commenting too.

    • Jelliebean profile image

      Jelliebean 5 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland

      This hub is so accurate and straight to the point, thank you. My experience is that knowledge is power. Once you recognise what you are dealing with in a person with NPD, you are less likely to fall victim to the manipulation.

    • thewritingowl profile image

      Mary Kelly Godley 5 years ago from Ireland

      Yeah I know, I suppose it is hard to understand NPD unless you have experienced it first hand and when you do what a wallop it can be. Unfortunately many people are being manipulated by one and they are not even aware of it, tough place to be I know. Thanks for comment.

    • sparkster profile image

      Sparkster Publishing 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      Good article on a topic which I often write about and is also my most successful. I have had plenty of experience with this disorder but it's something that the general public seldom understand sufficiently.