New Beginnings: Mourning Over A Home
It's Kind of a Big Deal After All
Is this a big deal?
Is this a big deal? You bet! There have been a lot of changes going on in my own little “space” that have caused me to take a look at the overall way I see things in the world.
I’m no different than anyone else who experiences changes, but like my hubby says, “Everyone’s circumstance is bigger in their eyes than anything else in the world.” That is true whether we want to admit it or not.
It’s during times like these when I need to take a moment to compare my situation with what others may be living and ask myself, “Is this a big deal? How will this change effect and affect my life?” These are questions we all ask when faced with challenges we didn’t foresee.
In my line of work I see so many things that even though I’m the professional and give a course of action to take, I’m not always sure I could handle the problem that my clients have. If we are to be honest with ourselves, even when we have all the answers we don’t know how we’ll respond in a situation until it happens in our own lives.
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Having Trouble Moving On?
Did you know that moving to a new location after a traumatic incident can cause the same effects as losing a loved one?
Getting that call ...
Answering the Call
Today was supposed to be an amazing day for a certain woman as she moved into her new home. Her life has changed dramatically and uprooting all ties from the south and moving north took guts.
A new job, friends, location and home is a lot to deal with all at one time. One might think there would be nothing to be discouraged about, but there was something she hadn’t considered.
When I received her call we discussed all the changes that a person makes in career changes, location or relationships. She had anticipated and finally followed through several months ago moving out of the area where she lived with her husband. Now it was time to actually move into her new home that she fell in love with during the walk through with the realtor.
Aside from the loss of a loved one, which she had two years ago, moving is among the leading causes of mourning. That’s right – mourning.
Welcome Home ...
Letting Go of Material Things
It’s not unusual for people to experience times of mourning over losing a loved one. No one would even question if you pull back from activities and go into a “shell” for a short amount of time. They even expect it.
Often we walk people through the Seven –Ten Step process depending on which theory you follow. However, there is a big difference between a man and a woman when it comes to leaving their home behind in order to move on to new things.
Although a man may joke about his house being his “castle” and may find it difficult to leave it, his behavior is often based on anger, confusion, failure, defeat and deceit. Not so with women even though some of those things may be taken into consideration.
If a woman has to leave her home, she becomes vulnerable and unsettled because it has attacked her feelings of security. After I explained this to the lady she understood why she was having such negative and sad feelings during what would normally be a time of rejoicing.
Image Credit: Author
Another Kind of Secuirty
Do you agree that women find security in their homes?
Is There Anything I Can Do?
What are some things you can do to break free of these feeling so that you can move on and enjoy the changes?
One thing you don’t want to do is second guess every decision you have made in order to move forward. If you have prayed and have sought good counsel, trust that God has directed your path, even if you don’t understand everything that is going on at the moment.
Cut yourself some slack and embrace that this is a process, and it will take time. That’s OK.
Find the good in every situation. No matter what is happening in “your world” right now, someone else is experiencing something much worse. This attitude is fine to some extent, but understand that it isn’t to be used to lessen the way you feel or discount your pain.
It’s true, there will always be others that may be suffering in a greater way, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t as concerned with your hurt as He is someone else’s. Everything that happens to you is important to God. The thing we forget is to bring them to Him in prayer. There will be a silver lining, even if you have to wait some time before seeing it.
Two Ways of Thinking
There are two ways that people approach their new beginnings: optimistically or pessimistically. You alone decide which approach to take. Realize that the one you select will be the one you “feed” and that will be the one that determines how you come through the circumstance.
If you never find any good in the situation, your emotional healing will take a very long time.
Part of being optimistic in moving on is that individuals may fail to find their motivation to “dig in” and make the changes necessary. Before anyone can make a change, they have to understand why they wanted one in the first place or why they needed to make it. Once that is established, the process can begin, even though it may be hard.
Philippians 4 verse 6
A Resource to Help During Anxiety, Fear, Grief and Mourning: When It Feels Like the Sky Is Falling: How to Find Hope in an Uncertain World by H. Norman Wrigh
Motivated to Keep Going
No matter what we do in life it all stems from our reason of motivation as to why we are making these decisions. Most of our motivation in doing something is fairly easy, and is simply based on our daily routine or needs that surround our lives and families. However, staying motivated when there is a life altering situation is often difficult and needs some persuading.
Once the means for moving on is recognized there may be a time of questioning, self-doubt and lessons of humility, that literally break us into accepting reality. It can be described as a feeling of numbness or emptiness.
After the reasons have been established allow time to work through them, this includes a mourning time of anger or aggression over the situation. In this case the woman was angry over facing the situation without her mate even though she loved her new place.
She mourned over the home she shared with her spouse that was now a part of a past that she didn’t expect in his sudden death. Any sense of stability or security that she shared with her love was shattered, and now the home she was moving into was once a dream she had with her mate. A typical emotion, but not the scenario.
You Can Get through This!
You Can Do This
Working through the negative emotions often includes an outside source that sees the other side of the coin, so to speak. Participate in several sessions of conversations that include asking yourself or the individual the what “if’s” of the situation.
Instead of focusing on let’s say, “What if her husband didn’t die” type questions, introduce things that might spark an interest in something not related to that topic.
For example, What if instead of seeing that you’re not sharing this with your husband, you see it as a new beginning that includes you having a chance to start over with something many people will never have.
Beginning with a thankful heart will allow the mourning time to pass swiftly as you embrace the things you never knew were available to you.
Embrace change and allow others to be a part of it. Believe that God will work this out for your good and allow His Word to comfort you. Seek wisdom in every step by getting involved with a church focus group that may be experiencing similar problems. There is no shame in reaching out and it will assist the healing as you work through your material mourning process.
God is waiting to give you a fresh start, but you have to have stay in faith trusting that this too will pass, it’s only temporary.
- Don’t second guess all your decisions.
- Give yourself a break.
- Choose to be optimistic.
- Involve others.
- Embrace the new life that awaits you giving thanks for the New Beginning.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2014 Fay Favored