"Opening The Free Mind & Silver Linings & All That..."
Do you ever feel like perhaps the only freedom left is in your own mind? If you do, I sympathize with you and fully appreciate your logic and reasoning. You may even feel at times, a fear of expressing yourself in this state of mind as it can sometimes feel like a violation too.
That being said, all I can do here is speak about myself, so do you mind if I bash your ear for a few paragraphs? As I feel compelled to tell you more about my mental health and humbly, thank you for your patience...
I too have felt days or hours even, where the thoughts in my mind that came and went, felt like they were passing through some tricky terrain like they were in a constant momentous change! So far as if you like, almost the death of one aspect of reasonable thought and the renewal of another, and whereby, that something new feeling very much foreign, literally scared the hell out of me. Have you ever experienced a similar sense of mental uncertainty, particularly about the future?
I want to tell you there is a silver lining to this mental structure and trust me, I've spent years on and off anti-depressants. Battling all my mind has ever managed to throw at me!
If I may, what now if I told you it's possible to make a new room in your mind! Literally create it now "The room to grow" As it changes all the time, usually taking two steps forward, one back, mapping uncharted thoughts along the way. It's merely a room for your own reality to be, where it breathes and vents and then hopefully chills out, where allowed its freedom can cause something better and more appealing to flourish and begin again - just for you? A fresh, untrodden path, a new vision of exploration for you to define.
I constantly ask myself, can I, really as a person live an unscathed existence mentally by the rising stresses and changes seemingly always on offer? Where, once my firm system of thoughts enabled me to maintain control, have now passed for something else entirely. A system of shifts, at first feeling very much like they were doing me no favors, yet, I also felt firm somewhere, like I must stand my ground over such thoughts. My mind was changing and so was life around me. Do you ever feel like no one understands you? Or see the outside world as one filled by a domain of monsters (including family and siblings?) For now, I'll let the dust settle on such ideas and hopefully, a more peaceful process takes its place.
Personally, I strive for stronger better results in my mind for myself, day by day, year upon year and understand - I can cry for all I once let in, all that let me down, disappointed me (time and again) and I inevitably had no choice but to let go of. Or I can allow acceptance into my heart and my mind for my own sake, releasing the misery and raw emotion for those who might look upon me - blankly, indifferently, sometimes every-single-where I looked.
For right or wrong, I convinced myself my own peace of mind was a battle hard fought for and only a dry weekend is a good one for me (this, of course, I get without you pointing it out to me.) Conscious, people will take me a little more seriously when I am not falling down inebriated.
But what a long-struggling mental battle and process it's been to bring me back from the brink. A sheer hell in my mind, I like to think of it as a sort of mental/spiritual attack. One that slammed me into the isolation rooms of my own head. Of course, to suffer!, during which I certainly wished I was more socially inclined, yes, but I was also afraid of the other side of the scale, not the cool, easy side who gets along with almost everyone - but the angry one, the one lashing out! Sometimes, in no particular direction and actually, that's not entirely true. Lately, it's been, family. Yes, I admit.
Obviously, when hurt, what's being suppressed bubbles it's sorry, tedious little way right to the surface and is a sure worry when alcohol, liberally poured on top will always be 'the said conduct of such release' it is not good. I am a testament to that, - let alone healthy. When a set of deep emotions, unhealed and left to aimlessly wander to their own devices somewhere inside you. I regularly regret afterwards when things don't sit well with me, I know this, they just don't.
Now, for the weird contrast, having endured all the emotion that goes with a set of negative thoughts/ emotions, I begin to realize again (another new process) in which the real me, must be good if I feel the shame - exercise the sorrow and regret, confusion, despair etc. It's often hard to express the real me whilst in this state. Do you ever feel similar? I feel I now must write a weekly post titled 'who am I?' Afterall, we all deserve recognition - don't we?
We all have unique experiences in our daily lives and emotions which define us as unique and it is true, those experiences, especially the bad ones, define our current mental states. It's equally true we will move through them to reach the other side, they don't last, not even the direst of all family concerns, trust me, they all pass and happily so.
If you're in trouble in this department (mentally) I understand you fully, I sympathize with you and hope my own experiences might help let you know you're not alone. Nothing lasts, not even the darkest of all human emotions. They too will pass. I hope it helps shed a bit of light for you and let you know there is a silver lining after, what you perceive as the current storm.
© 2018 Michael Claffey