- Diseases, Disorders & Conditions
I was 9 when they found out I had autism. Specificly PDD-NOS. When I was a baby my mother already noticed something weird about me, I would never look directly into her eyes. My mama tried to make me smile, she made weird faces but I just looked straight through her. I never really looked into the mirror, afraid to see myself. Before I got therapy I used to show the wrong emotions, when I was happy, I suddenly could've started crying. At 9 I started to receive my therapy, a really nice lady helped me to see that there was nothing wrong with looking in the mirror. She taught me throughout 4 years of intense play therapy how to control my emotions, and how to read emotions. Then the therapy stopped because they thought I was fine now.
When I switched schools a year later I really started to notice how different I was from the others. I didn't want to stand out. I wanted to be just like everyone else, but I wasn't. Going to school wasn't easy, whenever I got into a fight with the few friends I dared speaking to I didn't know what to do, a few times I threatened to run away from school. Then I got into the fight with my friends at the playground, noone took my 'threats' serious until that day. I ran away from school and wandered throughout some somewhat known streets trying to find my way back home. But I panicked and started to cry. A man walked out of a store towards me and offered me to come in, sit down and drink some water to calm down. I just listened, I didn't see anything wrong. He was a grown up and said he'd help me. Once inside I drank some and told him what happened, I told him which school I was from and he called them, whom called the cops. Luckily this man was a kind man, but I think back then I could've walked home with anyone who offered me help. I told my teachers I'd walk away and they never listened and let me just wander off.
When I went to the 'big' school, a boy once put his hands down his pants and then touched me, right in my face, I was disgusted and scared and I wanted to run home where I felt more safe than anywhere else. I got bullied but I was too scared to do anything about it. I got kicked off my bike, or someone spit on my seat just because I acted 'strange' according to them. I was 'weird', and I never spoke up so I was a easy target.
I couldn't handle changes. If we went somewhere unannounced I wanted to know why, what time and which people would I see? I just played on my mama's phone until I got iritated cause it was taking 'so long.' Which usually ended in frustration and constant nagging until we went home. Why wasn't I like my big sister? Everyone loved her. She was social, she was adored by everyone. I just felt alone most of the time, as if noone understood me. When I get into a argument with someone, even if it's someone I know so well. My argument makes sense to me and I try to explain it, but noone seems to understand it, which gets me more frustrated. My point is so clear, why wont they get what I'm trying to say? I pretend to not be afraid to start a normal conversation but I am. I hide my it with sarcasm, it doesn't always work out so well cause sometimes people think I'm rude while I'm not aware of how other people receive my messages.
Even today I'm still afraid to show how I'm actually feeling, I hide myself and always pretend I'm okay with something even though I'm scared. I get distracted by pretty much anything around me. Sounds or something or someone moving in the corner of my eyes, it's really hard to concentrate on anything really. I also need structure and I can't handle getting more than 2 tasks cause I'd forget so easily what I was doing.
As I get older it doesn't get better, it gets more complicated. Since my Autism is genetic and my father has it, I'm afraid to get kids. I don't want them to face the same problems as I had.
I wouldn't have been able to turn out to be the person I am today without my mother, she's literally given up her dreams just so that she could come to me whenever I needed her, whenever I got a panic attack or just needed to talk to her. She's the greatest mother I could have have. She's always been my best friend.
Wish I could say anything positive, but I can't think of anything.