Playing the Blame Game?
“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” - Bob Moawad
I recently had a confrontation with someone that I am very close with. Even though I have spent years working on qualities such as non-reaction, detachment from thoughts that harm, diminish, or incite negativity, I was hurt and angry after the confrontation. I felt misunderstood and unfairly accused of something. I felt the other person was being unreasonably sensitive. I reacted rather negatively because of it. Later, the guilt and remorse began to wedge its way into the picture. I realized, much later, that I had opened the door wide for those feelings by attaching myself to the negative perception of the entire event.
Immediately after the incident and after a small bit of reflection, I still felt blameless in the incident and I crafted a well thought out email to gently state my feelings of blamelessness and the clear misperception of my presumably offending statement. In the nicest way possible, I apologized for “hurting” them, but so very gently, I blamed them for the entire altercation due to the sensitivity and misunderstanding of my intention, which after all, they should know by now, is never hurtful. At the time of writing the email I felt it was my duty to point out this flaw to them, that unless they wanted to be hurt by just about everyone and everything, they need to work on their sensitivity. But I was sooo sweet in the way I said it.
The results were less than what I hoped for. In fact, the blame towards me intensified in the response from this person. The hurt and anger flooded back to me, now intensified. My feelings were that this was a person I cared about deeply, my intentions are always good, how could they feel this way about me, really?
Where did I go wrong?
Well, to start with, I bought into the blame game. That is the ego driven desire to be “right” and to insure that your identity (your ego made up identity that is), is not compromised. When you blame anyone for how you feel, you are in essence giving them the power to control your feelings and emotions. The blame game also works its way into our thinking by making us feel victimized, where people or things are against us and that we are powerless to change the circumstance. Our weapon against feeling small and helpless in this world or in a specific situation, is blame.
When I know that my identity comes from a much higher source than the years of stories I have told myself about how unfair life can be, then my perspective comes from a place of peace and power, instead of from weakness and resistance. If my intentions are to project peace or power, and be thought of an agent for peace or power, or any of my divine qualities, then I must first believe that I have them, and second, behave like I have them.
It is so difficult sometimes to own up to the idea that we are totally 100%, no exceptions, responsible for our own feelings and emotions. Does this mean that others will not challenge us with hatefulness, anger, deceit, ridicule or harassment? No. It means that we have many opportunities to demonstrate the truth of our being by being challenged in this way. Does this mean that we lie down and take abusive or diminishing comments or behaviors towards us? Never! It means that when we react from our most authentic nature of peace, inner strength, love, and compassion to ANY situation, then our choice about what to do next will be the correct one. Sometimes this means walking away, sometimes this means even taking drastic actions, like calling the police or permanently removing ourselves from the situation. But when we know that we have acted out of our divine intuition and we are not being driven from an ego centered fear or desire to retaliate, then we know our action is true.
You will know that you are acting out of the ego nature if you still feel bad, anxious, or question your reaction. If you respond self righteously or amazed at the audacity of such a claim or action towards you, you are responding from an ego driven mentality. An authentic response from a divinely inspired self, will feel calming, uplifting, and complete.
There is a saying that goes something like, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather have peace.” You can substitute peace for anything appropriate to your situation, like love, harmony, joy, and so on. There is no true joy from making sure that we put people in their place. We may win the human ego battle but we have lost sight of what living is really all about. It’s not about winning against another connected soul, it’s about experiencing life with joy, wonder, awe, peace, happiness, and above all, love. Any time you feel the urge to place blame on someone or something, take a moment to reflect on why you wish to do this. What is the underlying part of us that feels we cannot take responsibility for whatever is urging us to place blame? And consider, what is the price we pay to place blame on someone or something else? One of many possible answers to this is that we give ourselves away in some fashion by declaring we cannot take responsibility for the way we feel or act. We’re submitting to the condition or the circumstance instead of standing up for our divine authority towards peace or love, or happiness. And finally, please consider, how can I approach this differently, from a place of love and acceptance, peace or power? We will never change the circumstance or the conditions in our life using blame – this can only prolong and intensify the feelings that brought the circumstance or condition to us in the first place.
My confrontation with my loved one is not resolved on the human scale yet. But for me the incident is over and lesson/gift received. If there is more that needs to be done on my part, when the opportunity presents itself, I will know what to do. The bottom line for me is; there is no “principle”, “lesson”, or “point” that needs to be made that my blaming or causing harm to another is ever worth. I grew from the incident and in fact I am using the writing of this article as part of that growth process. You might say - Yes, but did the other person learn as well? I honestly don’t know and I am quite certain it is not my business to know. The best teacher I can be towards them, is to live from my own grace and “turn the other cheek” to the weapons intended to do harm towards me. Because the fact is, I cannot be harmed by these truly. The whole self, the higher self is complete and indestructible. When you approach your confrontations with that knowledge, you will always see a different outcome than approaching them in defense, self indignation, or retaliation.
I do know that even though it is not possible today to speak with this person today because they are not ready, that I will be doing my part to heal any remnants of negative energy or maleficent feelings by seeing both of us surrounded in love and healing peace. I send joy and love to this person with the deepest sincerity. I truly feel peaceful when I think of them. There is nothing to forgive on either of our parts. I know we both acted in the best way we could at that very moment and the incident is filled with opportunities for growth.
This is a lesson for a spiritual warrior. This is a tough one to learn and we may be challenged many times before it begins to dawn on us. This is the gift of the challenge. It doesn’t seem much like a gift at the time, but without these challenges, we would not have the opportunity to discover our greatness and our divine power and love.
Blessings - Joleen
Pleased to meet you!
Joleen Halloran is the author of under the pseudo name of Joleen Bridges. This book represents over 10 years of research and inspiration in personal and spiritual empowerment and provides readers with a pathway to overcome limits and discover authentic divine qualities in their lives and to live a life of unbounded freedom. . Finding Home - Breaking Free from Limits
Additionally Joleen is the owner of ZoomIT Marketing, a social media and internet marketing coaching and training company. Joleen's business background includes extensive experience in project management, leadership, specializing in motivational techniques and corporate culture.
Beyond Joleen's professional life, she is an avid reader and researcher of books and other materials related to her profession, but also to her special passion, which is metaphysical and spirituality topics. You can find out more about Joleen's book at her books website, www.breakingfreefromlimits.com. Additional articles of a spiritual and inspirational nature can be found at the book's website as well. The book is available for purchase at Amazon and at a discounted price directly from the books website.