Please God, Give Me A Break!

Been feeling really horrible as usual again it doesn't go away no matter what i do if i stop believing in god and become a 'thinker' or be born again and read the bible or, well, what does work the best is praying the rosary. You have no idea what kind of pain I'm speaking of. I feel crucified almost everyday. Crucified with Christ.

I tell God I'm ok with suffering everytime it's over as long as I can take it, and then in the midst of it again, I want it to stop. The ONLY thing that works for me is at times to beg God for help. I get so depressed or unhappy or angry or whatever it is, all in one. It's so hard to feel good, then feel manic then feel so depressed and all over again. It's not stable.

I got off Lithium and I was happy to not be so "sedated" or whatever. But my mood swings have not improved at all. I'm just more aware of them. And the 5-7 days before my (period) are the worst. Like the past 5 days till today. I get wicked down and angry and upset and paranoid. I feel like there is nothing I can do but hang in there. If I hadn't come to my mom's I would not have made it I tell you - I mean I'd be in respite or whatever because I can't suffer alone. I live alone.

The mental health system will not let me live in a group home like I did about 18 yrs ago because it's very expensive and they want me not to. But I want to.

I know it hurts my family and friends when I''m in pain especially if I get angry or upset which I cannot control, I mean I can't help feeling depressed and even though I forced myself to go to the gym and swim and then go bowling today, I still felt like crap later.

I have to beg for help from God, my only relief and the rosary- meditative prayer. Or else I would be in the hospital. I'm trying not to go there or respite.

I don't like to complain, when I'm not complaining I'm trying really hard not to talk about it or I may be having a pretty good day. I feel like I'm feeling horrible about 1/2 the time. That's alot.