- Mental Health»
One day, I don't know why, it doesn't even matter JUST DON'T IT TRY! Keep that in MIND!
It all started like this...
First of all, I would like to make it clear, that I am not writing this to cause some kind of compassion - I am writing this to ease my self and to write a Hub for a future youth TO NOT MAKE MISTAKES LIKE I DID.
My first contact with heroin was in 7th grade. I had 14 or 15 years, I don't remember exactly, but I was surely just a kid back then. Back then, whole youth of Serbia seemed to be on drugs. And nobody blamed them, because just couple years ago - before my first contact with heroin - wars and horrible period for this small country, Serbia, stopped. We were living under lot of pressure, under sanctions, under total international isolation. I am not making an excuse for what I did, I am just pointing out - the situation that was surrounding me.
I was smart,communicative,good looking kid with lots of friends.I was social more than average person in my years, and I am just born like that - with such a positive charisma.All these good things about my personality dragged drug dealers to me, offering me to earn extra cash and help my family with earning for my self so young. Everything started with coming of a new student, that changed plenty of schools in order to "settle up and calm down". He was a real problem - but everyone looked at him as a "boss of school" and super-cool guy. Nobody could do nothing to him. He was already living thug life. He noticed me... He noticed that I am smart,communicative, and really social ... That's all you need to become a drug dealer...For a start. He offered me to work, sell, marijuana and I accepted it - because back then, everyone were doing some "business" beside their real work, like smuggling cigarettes or gasoline ... I thought that it would be really helpful to earn some cash for me and for my mom that was only working and supporting family of 5 members. After just a couple of days, when he saw that I can do even more than him - he offered me to work and TRY heroin, but he didn't called heroin like that , he called it "horse". At first, I thought it was some "upper" a "light-drug" and nothing special that I can get addicted to... Actually, to be honest - I wasn't even thinking will I get hooked up. After my sixth or seventh time of "trying" - I was psychically hooked - I was only 15...
Once You get in, the line between needle and "line" is thin.
I forgot to mention that I had some really "influential friends" and my Godfather, that baptized me, he was a real - I mean REAL - mafia leader, working as a "bodyguard" for president Milosevic.
With all that in mind, involved in serious business, I was real "magnet" for girls. I've got in to relationship with beautiful Hungarian girl... She was only 14 ... She wanted "just to try" heroin too, but I didn't let her. So, the time was ticking... I was "drawing lines" , more and more... Bigger and bigger... Selling, buying,selling,buying and so on - in circle. One night, I've fall asleep at my girl-friend. She was awake, and she searched my pockets. She found my "stash" and draw her self an BIG line of H. When I got up , she was at the table with bunch of heroin around her - sleeping, but in same time breathing the powder in... I jumped from bed, thinking that she overdosed... She was badly breathing... I only knew that salt helps, so I've "cooked" water and salt in spoon - we were alone - and filtered it, and inject to her... IT HELPED... Thanks God. Immediately she opened her eyes,followed by deep breath... I was so pissed off.
I've asked her, how was it? How she felt ? - She answered that she never experienced something good like that. I am sorry to say this - but I've slapped her softly - saying that that was her last time... It wasn't.. Sadly - because after that, we made love... I couldn't believe how amazing it was. I was making love with her FOR HOURS. It was truly amazing experience for her,as it was for me.
After short period, some new junkie - a real junkie on needle - came to my small city. One night, he just came to my girlfriend and me, asking if we were "using clean tools"... ??? I was confused.I didn't know what was he asking us... After short time, he asked me if I can sell him a quoter... Of course,I said yes. He offered us to go at his place and "relax". That was the first time that I've seen someone shooting up heroin. I was really shocked as my girl was too. He offered me to "hit me" with nice and clean needle from new package... Situation was like that, that I was already "on it" so I said: "O.K , just this time" , and asked my girl to promise me that she will leave me or whatever if I do it again... I turned my head on other side, he "cooked it up" and boom... I felt some worm thing going trough my body, and just in few seconds I felt like never before... I was like WOW.. What a hell is this? Why I haven't done this before? - Stupid little, naive ...KID. I had 15 - and with my 15 I had my first "I.V heroin experience". And there I was.. Hitting a rock bottom ... Me and my girlfriend - all alone... We didn't need anyone. Just two of us - together and heroin. I was "working on street" and buying stuff - so we could "relax" when sun goes down... My God... It's so hard now to continue to write. I don't think anyone will read this - but anyway - I will do this ... I can. I will. I was shooting-up, for three years. After that night, after my first I.V dose of heroin - it all changed. I started to buy methadone from street,I even started to drink poppy-tea in lack of heroin and methadone.Poppy-tea is ten time worse than methadone and heroin together.It has 47 active alkaloids ,with only 2 that are actually satisfying us - morphine and codeine.Poppy tea, made of plant of poppy - and it's upper part is really strong opiate drug... My tolerance went sky-high. The strange thing is that my girl wasn't shooting up, O.K - maybe two or three times - but she didn't like it, as she didn't like methadone too. ONLY heroin or sometimes poppy-tea - made by that junkie-boy that showed us "another way" of administrating heroin. Hey, SHE WAS 14 and I WAS 15 AND WE WERE ALREADY SKY-HIGH OPIATE TOLERANT... That is what's killing me 'till today. Maybe I could do something different back then. But I don't have time machine...
The morning when I woke up from heroin dream
After three and a half years of I.V-ing heroin, I decide to admit to my parents that I have a huge problem. It was a sunny morning... My mom was preparing herself for work - she works in a high-school as an IT teacher - and my dad made us some tea because I looked so ill...
They assumed that something is going wrong, but they think that I am using marijuana and maybe extacy - which I've told them that I've done couple of times. That morning will stay etched in to my memory... We were sitting all together, when I said: "Mom, dad ... I have a problem.I am addicted terribly to heroin for last three years." - My mom started to cry instantly ,and my dad stayed calm - like he knew.Same day, I went to the doctor to get the paper - referral to hospital, actually referral to Methadone Center where all addicts come and where they meet a team of specialist which decide what is going to be the next step,and what treatment is best for the individual. I was really young, back then, I had 18 - so they gave me right to detoxicate myself at home with supervision of my mom with three boxes of "Tramadol". After detoxification I supposed to take "Naltrexone" - opioid antagonist, which acts like an "heroin blockade" .That was like a well-known pattern back then, and I've knew what to expect...But, to be honest - I also knew that "Naltrexone" isn't going to help me. I failed many times - unofficially - and four times OFFICIALLY. I had two "home-detoxification's" and two in-hospital detoxes...Beside that ,I had one lethal overdose - when I was dead for 45 seconds.It was terrible.I couldn't handle the pressure in my head, that I can't resist to the cravings. I was clean, before that, for six months... And then, on a tolerance level of 0 , I took 50mg of methadone, 1/4 gram of H , and 10 capsules of Tramadol along with 40mg of diazepam... They badly reanimated me. That was really some experience... Never again... After that, I've contacted the Chief of Methadone Clinic - only one in region, and told him that I want appointment , face to face, because the "team" is rejecting me for any kind of opioid maintenance treatment. I wanted buprenorphine. Back then, they didn't have buprenorphine,only and only - M.M.T = Methadone Maintenance Treatment. My mother didn't like it, so didn't I.. But, that was THE ONLY way to SAVE MY LIFE. It was eleven months ago... And I am still on methadone with same dosage as I was 3 moths now. I am stable at dose of 86mg of methadone, but advice is to rise it on 96mg of d,l - methadone. I should accept the advice of my doctor, but I rejected him - because my mom was really against it - saying that she will trow me out of house if I raise my dosage again... So ,I don't have really much of a choice - BUT, I hope that things will go better.
What MMT gave me ?
- I am no longer on street, selling/dealing drugs to satisfy my own addciton
- I am no longer surrounded with people on heroin
- I am no longer exposed to "risky-behavior" risking to get infected with HIV or Hepatitis
- I no longer have to lie or steal for heroin or any opiate
- I have worked on my relations with my family - and they have greatly improved
- I had job experience since I am on M.M.T - I worked as a waiter,in computer shop,and in call center...
- I have finished Microsoft-Cambridge IT Academy , without proper substitute I couldn't do it.
- I have no longer cravings, as I did before.
- I am totally different person, with "fixed" system of value
- I have a nice girl friend
- Medically supervised once per week