- Mental Health»
Scrambling my angels and demons
Angels vs Demons in me
Today is Sunday. One of my favorite days. I get to go to church and pretend I have been sober and God fearing all week. Yes I attempt not to be that person who is only good on the Sabbath. I really do mean well and maybe I am being a little tough on myself. Sometimes it feels like Sunday is the only day I know what to do with myself. I wake up, have coffee, bug everyone to come to church, go worship, hear the word, and spend time with the church family. Then I feel equipped to take on the rest of the day without drinking.
I have decided not to divulge too much about the fact that I drank alcohol the day before yesterday as I feel when I beat myself up about it, I am giving glory to evil. So I will admit I am an alcoholic and I have been sober for 2 days 9 hours and 9 minutes. Other than that nothing crazy or spectacular happened when I had a few beers. No more talking about that though, it is done and in my past.
Other days I scramble to keep myself sober. They say just take it one day at a time. So,I literally am doing that. It's more like take it one hour at a time. My days have been going by in a blur with no real focus or plans. My mind races to try to figure out how to be productive and healing. Let me see if I can paint a better picture. On my right side I have the angel and on my left side I have a nasty demon. They are in constant battle. While they are battling they are speaking into my ears.
Wake up, need coffee. Forgot to pray for strength and clarity before I started my day. Go roll a cigarette.
I know better than what I am doing. I lost my dad, grandma, and grandpa because of these cancer sticks.
Oh well, at least you are not drinking. We will set a date to quit smoking. Ah, there I pacified myself.
Making a cup of coffee and asking the Lord to help me today and asking for clarity. Move around to get some of the fibromyalgia symptoms to a minimal. Then I look at my house and decide what to start cleaning.
Get out of your pajamas.
No, I don't need to I am not working right now and besides I will be dressed by the time my husband gets home tonight.
I know I feel better when I am dressed and ready for the day.
True but who else knows that? So you can stay in your PJ's.
I should blog today I know it really helps me and I am hoping to reach others so they don't feel alone. You don't have to blog every day you know. You are putting too much pressure on yourself.
OK I will get started cleaning the kitchen. Then I will get a load of laundry going at the same time. Kitchen is clean and laundry is going. Ah I feel a sense of accomplishment. I should spend some time with my Bible and learning the word.
Well, you could or you could go watch Netflix and relax.
That sounds better but I still want to be doing something in my walk with God. Ill color a picture and add some scripture to it and hang it in my laundry room.
Time for another smoke.
Find something on Netflix that is pleasing to the Lord.
Or you could watch Supernatural and tell yourself that you realize that it is all fake and God knows your heart.
I don't think God wants me watching this junk.
So I switch over to Orange is the new black. I am tired of arguing with myself. Time for another smoke. You have two bottles of wine in the closet from your wedding.
I am not drinking.
Yes and besides if you do drink that wine it should be with your husband on your anniversary. Ok I won't open them.
Fold laundry and get another load going. Clean off the counters and sweep. Turn on some worship music. This always makes you feel better.
When I am done, I am hurting and tired of the back and forth so I go lay down. Flashbacks along with you are a bad person, why try to change?
No you never really have been a bad person and you are covered in the blood of Jesus Christ now. Sleep or not. Get up get showered your husband will be home soon and he will be hungry. Get dinner started and cruise Facebook.Husband comes home and thankfully today he didn't bring alcohol in the house. If he did I may be tempted to have one.
Come on who are you kidding you can't just have one.
I hope this article depicts what goes through my addicted mind. I am covered by the blood of Jesus Christ and I know this. I am also a target with a weakness. When the devil see's you trying to please God, it makes him want you even more to come to his side. Then when you have a weakness in your foundation he will seep through and work on you as much as you allow. It is time for me to become more equipped to deal with these things. I need to study the word and use it against the evil. Jesus has already won my heart. Now, it is time to seal up any cracks I may have in my foundation and place reinforcements by always keeping my eyes and heart on the Lord.
I am certain I am not the only one that has an angel and a demon fighting over me. I understand what it feels like. I also understand what it is like to have this going on and not know what it is. Please share this to anyone and everyone who may need to be understood.
Dear God, Please have mercy on us addicts.