Secrets, Lies and YouTube Videos
Our ego's are unbelievably overpowering. They are always protecting us in one way or another, keeping a vigilant eye to make sure that we are never proven wrong or end up ashamed and embarrassed. It makes us hide things about ourselves that we do not want others to see because we are afraid that we will not be looked at in the proper light. So we hide these aspects of ourselves in the shadows and believe that we are doing a good job.
I recently learned my lesson as to just how powerful my ego can truly be. I have worked very hard in the past few years in order to keep my ego in check and thought that I had been doing a fairly good job, until my lesson got served to me on a silver platter by non other than YouTube.
My story starts out very innocently by purchasing a video camera. Trust me when I say that this is not going where you think it's going, but when a sentence starts out with purchasing a video camera you know the story is going to be good.
About a year ago, someone very dear to me decided to try out for a local band and he was hired as their permanent drummer. In order to offer my support I began going to his gigs whenever I had the time, and my handy dandy video camera always tagged along. After a few tapings I was asked by the guys in the band if I would be so kind as to volunteer as their regular video person. I agreed to the assignment as long as it did not conflict with my plans.
Last year I opened an account on YouTube in my name and began uploading their video's and felt very proud that I had taught myself how to edit, crop and shrink videos in record time. The number of videos grew on the site and so did their audience.
Meanwhile, I began watching YouTube videos and commenting on other peoples videos and watched everything from how to wear wigs correctly to the dangers of thong underwear to crazy cat videos. For eight months I had been happily running around YouTube doing my own thing and watching videos from A-Z while my uploads were taking place.
A few months ago I decided that I wanted to start posting my own videos about some pretty personal and sensitive stuff that was going on in my life. An advice channel of sorts. I decided that I would open my new channel under an anonymous name, because I did not want anyone associating the two channels in any way, shape or form.
I had been uploading these very personal videos for about three months when I received a call from the band wanting me to video an upcoming gig. I was free from obligations and decided to do it. The following day while I was uploading the video of the performance, imagine my surprise when I notice that the feed on their account had not been set to private all this time!
I know what your going to say..."Your on YouTube" nothing is private! Well for some strange, crazy reason I believed that I would be able to keep these two channels separate. I suddenly began to panic. How many people that I personally knew had seen my advice videos? What was I going to do? What would I say if confronted? How many people knew about my videos and had pretended not to know? All my information, comments and videos that I had viewed were all out there for them to see! It did not matter that strangers knew my business, I was only stressing that people that I came into contact knew my business. Now that's when I knew that it was my irrational ego doing the thinking!
After I fretted and freaked all day I started to realize that I had been trying to hide something that was very much a part of me. I began to see that I was not truly being myself at all times, and in hiding these videos it was almost as if I was ashamed of that part of my life somehow. I knew that it was my ego taking charge and making me worry as to how I would be viewed and perceived by these people. I then decided to have a nice long talk with my ego and told it that I didn't care what these people thought of me. I told it firmly that crazy cat videos are part of my life and so where all those crazy comments that I left behind and my beliefs that I shared on my personal channel. Suddenly it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
One of the things that I have had my sights set on this year is to stop caring so much about what people think of me. I feel that when we stop caring about who is viewing us, we experience greater freedom in our lives. Someone was once quoted as saying that we are only as sick as our deepest darkest secrets and I believe that wholeheartedly. Just think for one moment what a wonderful sense of freedom we could all experience if we lived behind open doors.
"When you have become willing to hide nothing you will understand peace and joy"
~ a Course in miracles~