Some things paedophiles look for and preventions
Life doesn't run smooth. This blog about a very difficult subject may not too, and while minimal detail of the actual abuse/s is used may still be hard to read. It is suggested to those with a vested interest of improving their abilities to protect their children should stick with it.
It has not been possible to cater for every situation. It is hoped that the article/blog will prompt others to shed insight particularly on the dangerous situations, interactions and atmospheres etc. that allow abuse to occurr, thrive etc.
The language used is purposefully not academic, as this was considered too cold and lacking in flair and "sparkle". And to a certain degree imagination has had to be used because the survivor, in order to envisage what to look out for, in some cases has almost had to see situations -to an extent- from the abusers point of view. It is hoped that this "therapy" will provide a stronger mental resolve from becoming abusive -an issue for many survivors.
Thank You for reading. Please feel free to comment. And while sympathy/empathy is appreciated (and won't be rated down or ignored) this is not so much what the author seeks.
The picture denotes symbolical loneliness. This does not mean you should force your child to have friends. As this can be counter productive. Looking back I seemed to have to go out and play with any-one who called. I liked football, this got on the wrong side of the neighbours. For various reasons. Playing by a main road, Using a wall for a goal seemed to resonate through the thin walls of houses. Hey, I had a dream of playing professional once, but by the time a scout asked about me my head was such a mess that it was all I could do to listen to myself criticise how his professional teams played! Never understood it, except that my weakened state left me open to negative feelings etc.
I mentioned loneliness. Perhaps overbearing parent thought in forcing me to have 'friends' would cure this problem. Not so, because those who called had no interest in me even though we shared a same interest in football. This was more about competition than comradeship. They kept me down sapping my confidence with every opportunity, subtly at first but when I initially complained they claimed to be joking, but in such a way that they managed to make me feel soft at the mere thought of storming off. I might get away from them one night but they were around at school, walking home etc. And always seemed to have some-one, groups even talking up for them. Also demographic of some classes being set in stone meant having to continue to sit next to at least one of them. Talking was pretty much inevitable.
Hardness, is a much contested issue among many children. Even adults refer to it to or in front of their children as though sociably accepted. It's only when you carry out an 'instruction' you find out the incongruence. I had long since given up on the idea that violence would solve anything. It causes wars, breeds hatred and fueds and pretty much goes round in circles with the above. I cannot see any good coming of it. As for being left alone -and ironically feeling less alone when I finally broke free of this cycle caused by the forced interaction: school.
Being forced to go out and 'play' leads to a person losing a sense of their own direction. I didn't know how to choose friends. People were just their so I somehow assumed it, or didn't question it. In the end it turns out I don't have any, from this debacle where once instinct would have led me the right way. I didn't have it well developed enough. Decisions having been taken off me from an early age. I wasn't even allowed to choose my own school! I was given a Hobson's choice of two. The very worst that the area could offer.
So, I'm chosen for location. Mum hates football so I wasn't ever actually going to be encouraged to play. Though I got good at it. Dad saw my potential but later admits being jealous rather than chuffed! Did I ever have a chance? I think not!!! We played in the yard at the side of the house, known as 'the back yard'. It was size enough to have shots at each other with the house wall at one side and the shed wall at the other. We'd rebound the ball at the wall to get it past the other. This was also played in the hall on a wet day with the respective doors as goals to aim at. Outside my goal was a fence, whereas my dad had the bush where the garden started. I don't know if we had a half time. I do remember being barred from the back garden due to the neighbours greenhouse and unhelpful foul temper. He/ we should've put high netting to protect his stupid greenhouse but no-one thought of it. So I got a fgood lesson in learning about angles -without the need for mathematics! I'm so thankful as Maths is most definitely not my strong point! This means I had something of value though it unfortunately came to nothing through the trouble makers mis-use; such as firing the ball at my neighbours windows. And all this time I was getting in trouble at home, while at the same time was being prevented from my idea of the cure which was stopping the idiots coming round. One day I asked my grandma to tell them I'm not in. She goes to the door and says "He says he's not in!" they fell about. I was urged and brow beaten to go to the door. And cover blown I had to. Something they'd done on me after a fall out was to sit at the window for all to see and not answer the door. So, I was trying to give them a dose of their own medicine. My silly religious grandma wouldn't have any of it.
She was the person who adored the abuser. An uncle in law. Who seems to have been introduced to the family by my silly mother. Who still stops at nothing, even lies to get a joke at my expense with people I've never met. Then she wonders why and gets upset that I don't go anywhere with her. If I joked about her she wouldn't find it funny. She's knows how to brow beat well. And has a booming voice when she's safe. Usually this means against me, especially when her drinking started.
So, dispell the myth that loneliness can be cured by having other people around. If they cause or simply get in trouble together. It is usually best to sit them down in private, so as not to humiliate and find out what they are getting from their company. The nearest this came with me was baulling matches. Until they gave up and through arguments seemed to eventually somehow decide that they preferred their company to mine. Or at least whenm I was out I wasn't getting in their way. ("What a loving family") -It seemed to look this way from the outside, but their was an admitted cluelessness about bringing up young boys.
So, much so that my mother turned to what turned out to be the abuser. And was so concerned, worried that I wouldn't learn anything. Asked him at a very young age that I was still at to "teach him about sex." stupid as she is, I don't think she meant literally. And his being a teacher gave common assumption to trust. But if he'd done any of that at school then... Although it was Scotland where rules of nudity seem a little different; in the country at least. -I'm not sure exactly but neighbours who saw didn't seem embarrassed for me. And he must've lied to one who called me "hen." it appears she thought I wanted to be a girl. This could not be further from the trutrh but it shows the length that sick minds will go to to try to take blame and responsibility away from themselves. And so another point is:
A paedophile cannot or will not reason that they have done, are doing anything wrong! Whether it is psychological. What has happened to them may've happened in such a way that the person who abused them appears to be the only one who showed them any love.
But this is an illussion because real love is not about getting what you want. It is more about giving in a safe way what the other person needs. It is very damaging for a child of any age to have to put up with that. The changes to the body in adolescence and puberty must be allowed to complete their course before the experience of any sex in order for the body to reach it's full size and balance. No-one ever became ill due to not having sex. Any such talk is false; manipulation or a lustful comment more healthily kept between adults in such a relationship with each other.
We've covered three of the main causal factors:
Vulnerability. Caused by removing a chuilds choice and exposing them to dangerous situations.
Loneliness: This stems from the above because fruitfull friendships are blocked as those with sense and choice stay well away! 2. Loneliness is also caused when a parent speaks up for the child. Prevents the child from speaking. I remember now being brow beated when I initially tried to correct what I then thought were genuine errors. But recent incidents show due to it's need to be constantly entertained, these adults look for dramas where dramas don't even need to be. And will put their own child down if it seems funny to them. I know of one family who called their own child "pillock!" -"come on Pillock", it wasn't what they christened him though. While they did discourage it from others, this must've served to make it seem more irresistable, especially to his peers!
If the "joke" seems "acceptable" to the parent, nothing will dissuade them to see sense. The smallest touch can be deadly, ask a top martial arts expert. (ie. relatively soft) I can't get through to mine, if I give it back it creates hostilities. And because they don't seem to judge or notice their own behaviour in the same way. The only answer I've found is to visit less, and shorten the length of my visits. I'm not even going to bother giving the actual reason. It seems pointless as it will only cause indirect and bottled hostilities lurking under the surface to flare up some other time. So, I've prepared what I'm going to say. And at what time I shall leave and intend to stick to it. If she doesn't like it it's just tough. If I get much more hassle she's going to have to face her self perpetuated myth that people have got her wrong, that she's OK really.
Delusions, may well play a part. Particularly about "Not growing up"! That lot, Dad included expressed pride at keeping me believing to 11. Only when they admitted their lie was I allowed to asee what my peers had been telling me since about 7 or eight. (possibly 9). It seems I'd still believe today were it not for Grandma pointing out I was due to go to the big school at the end of the year... ("Good Grief!!!") -Secretly, I knew but still had to play the games, sing the juingle bells and generally entertain the adults! The abuser, and my mother shared something. The abuser would talk of being Peter Pan occassionally, the boy who never supposedly grew up. And my mother still today -in private- CONTINUES TO ANNOUNCE THAT SHE "BELIEVES IN FAIRIES". fRANKLY, i DON'T CARE WHAT SHE BELIEVES IN, i JUST WISH SHE'D KEEP ME OUT OF HER STRANGE WORLD!!!
And all the focus growing up was on play. The vulnerability was that abuser would keep me believing in play by way of tennis, and other sports to gain access. And through this gained closeness. Had he not done this with the view in mind to use me for his sexual gratification we might still have been close until he died.
He might not have died, or he might've died sooner. But I do think such people somehow in the mental state they are in seem to need such a target. Or think they do. He seemed also when I became older particularly to be enthusiastically pushing to do more and more. This in pure terms included acts that could in practical scope be considered as him wanting me to abuse him. From the start the mutual masterbations show an attempt to mutualise the interaction -again trying to diminish blame/responsibility upon themselves.
This was part of their argument to "I don't want to go." In adolescence, having been introduced to this dastardly practice from the age of about 4 when my mum and dad divorced (warning sign: One parent families are more stressed and stretched etc. Thus more willing to accept outside help!!~) I was sent up alone to help with canvassing while Aunt was got out of the way -sent down to see her mum - Grandma who lived with my mum and I.
I did try to get out of it with "I don't want to go."
Unfortunately, I was over-ruled. Why didn't I want to go?? Do you know how so very hard it is for a child to say the actual words "I'm being abused!" ? Do You??? Have you, as a child ever had to face saying them?
I managed "I don't like him!!!"
To the agitated retort "Of Course You doo!", in arguments this sang out and I couldn't get through to those who should have been responsible for my care and protection! It was so frusatrating, I'd done my best to communicate and they wouldn't listen! Talk of the "feelings" of Isolation that add to the loneliness. I was locked out of the house one time with my baggage on the street. Now, I think of all the places I could've gone next door? They were convinced there was no closer bond in the world. (I now wonder that the abuse forges that), My dad appeared in town that day. My mum had over time managed to brow beat me out of going to my dad; flashing/looking back he'd added to this, either by saying, or being there when the following was saiid "Don't come running to your dad when I say no." He gave my mum the utmost authority by quietly asking to double check when I went to him for something. Kids can be astute beyond the estimation of their years sometimes, with some things. Plus, though now I looked back I know he'd sensed something was wrong. I didn't really realise I could've turned to him then. I'd lost the argument that I didn't like the abuser. My mindset was changed. I went on that train that day somewhat dumbed or numbed into submission.
Why is my mum so mentally retarded? Why is it not the case that If I didn't want something I didn't have to have it just because they wanted it for me? They were actually talked into it by what seemed long phone calls. I don't know what he said to them. I can guess that he was privy to learning all my problems at school. -So he'd see one sign: Isolation.
Isolation = vulnerability. The very way the family deal with problems with their child (doesn't that just say it all! "problems with their child!" -in the family their is the atmosphere, it continues today that the child is the problem. I could've the child's problems. Still the family should be a help, a guide, a shoulder to rely on. And on no account to take over with the do this, do or say that mentality. "Tell them 'your grandma says...'." obviously led to more humiliation, and it seems everything she did weakened her or my position. (she was rubbish at Chess too!)
Having criticised abusers for being either incapable or unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. I considered that some who have committed crimes against children, and social and personal normality will think of this as projection. So, I have had a look at the thought.
"What is a child's responsibility?"
I might add - "When put in an adults 'care' ?"
Is it the child who must dictate what is going to happen? How is that possible with the power differential!
I said "Do we have to do this?" -I remember saying it once during the massages that came after the athletics. If you knew what it took, three or four hundred miles from home with little or no other transport to the town to get home -even if I'd had a map -which I didn't. In the countryside without lights or any support.
Should I have said "I don't like this" -? I think I tried once (I say "think" even though I'm pretty sure -such is sometimes the nature of surfacing memories. They don't necessarily come with absolute assuredness. So, I will say think, on occassion And remember how people sometimes make a confrontation, or contest out of it, as though it were some invite, rather I might say I tentatively feel... -But why should I be tentative when often working out the memory isn't simply about waiting for that memory to form alone. But often the memory itself is hints, flashes and vague recollections. And so can take some thought, some thinking as to whether logically a particular incident fits the situation, particularly lesser ones or those whose significance can be harder to understand, Time frames etc. often need to be checked in some cases wheen trying, for the sake of ones own assuredness to make sure exactly what that memory is, and that it is an experience rather than a news item or something. Though I haven't yet suffered this much, I know memories are lucid things and so can rarely/ don't always feel 'concrete'.
Should I have said NO. 0Didn't I try to say No, with "I don't like him!", and "I don't want to go." Was then there any point trying to dissuade some-one from doing what he was so determined to do no matter what the consequences. He was determined, lengthy conversations with Grandma, building all that trust with them, showing "favour" to me by supposedly being helpful. Though he did once re-correct my maths work falsely. The Maths teacher saw this and tried to ask me if something was wrong. I was quiet. This is a wall that surrounds, the sea of emotion seems to drowned out the voice somehow! The emotion is a painful feeling of despair, being trapped. Here was a nice teacher giving the opportunity to speak and yet where were the words; what words do you / I use???
Lets see, I might've said "My Uncle came to visit, he'll be on his way home by now.2 - I DON'T KNOW HOW i FELT ABOUT MY UNCLE DOING THAT, LET ALONE ANYTHING ELSE! I was very confused, considerably upset, and in some kind of conflict on the lines of "This is my uncle, surely he wouldn't do anything purposefully to detriment me or ...",
The door was open, I was brought back to "reality" -or rather the time and space of NOW, as opposed to "last night" or "THIS MORNING -the lift to school" (AS WAS). And murmured something, I can't remember what but left with the worry in my mind that some-one would walk in. I nearly told that Maths Teacher! It's like life was trying to present the opportunity but pieces of the jigsaw were missing. A child lacks the experience and understanding that the adult has. I believe the maths teacher's instincts were astute! But the limitations that are required such as 'not putting words into some-ones mouth' prove necessarily restrictive.
What was the teacher' responsibility? Should she have gone higher up? She didn't get much from me. As I said a product of the suffering over parenting -that seems to dictate what a child can say, so much that the parent /"care giver" seems to feel, believe that they have to answer people for the child.
"What football team do you support (my name)...?" The BBC researcher asked, as I had applied to go on a progeram for children: A sort of guess my hobby game.
I was still thinking about my answer when my mum interupted behind me
"(my name) prefers to look at individual players!"
The conversation seemed to continue without me, though I managed an uncomfortable "Yes", the audition was already lost. Pointless her coming to the band practice. She couldn't find let alone develop a rapour with me. The monster-mother had got in the way! The rejection letter duly came the diplomatic answer of "we have many other quality similar applicants." -or words to the effect. I knew the reason though we could hide with excuses. I knew.
And the lesson is regarding The signs a perpetrator will look for. Not encouraging the child to speak up for themselves. In awkward moments -between parent and child; say when parent wants to find something out - "come on, speak up!" is an order, not an encouragement! Is counter productive, though the parent may fool themselves into thinking they have 'given instruction' as to what child/people SHOULD do. It is actually a tyranny and occurrs under durress rather than the enjoyment that must be present for a child to learn.
If you're trying to teach football, you don't say kick -or I'll smack you! You show what needs to be done and ask for it back "KICK!" AND CHEER WHEN THE CHILD TRIES.
And I have just covered the learning process as a whole. And must note that the abuse/s tends to take a similar path which explains how the issue of those abused to eventually becoming abusive manifests. In my case the incidents themselves being relatively minor have served as a reminder that I need/ed help! I sought the type which helps/seeks to free a person from the abusive cycle; as oppossed to 'like' minded people. I chose the hard road to recovery and vow to stick to it!!! The first time I did something that went past the mark, it was a complete shock. No longer was the abuse something that just happened to me. Something that when I was free I could just 'forget about it' -until next time. It showed it had affected me, was getting into my behavioour pattern. Now it occurred,
I had to get through to some-one, the closest being my retarded mother whom in competing with my now painfully frantic attempts to tell her "I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!" with her equally frantic, dramatic and scarily adamant "OF COURSE YOU DO!!!!"
Needless to say interactions were painfull and became resented, leading to mistrust, for years a feeling of self consciousness and awkwardness to be seen with her became an intense hatred of her. She hasn't learned much since. While I've grown and largwely moved forward, as much as I can. And in so doing the pity I feel for her has surpassed the hatred to a greater degree. And only when I notice she sometimes repeats certain behaviours complete with the excuses and bewildering... that goes with it do I remember how intense that hatred, dissapointment, dissillussionment etc. really was!
The Uncle in question knew what he was doing when he did it. And continued for 12 years or so. And pushed for more when I got older. I managed to get out before his hints and requests lost patience. I think "NO" was a word to avoid. "shy huh!". If only I could have broke through that while I had accepted my uncle in law as part of the family, the things he was doing were actual hurtful though lacking actual violence, even roughness were damaging! And so I had to get away, to escape, to be free.
I remember when I had my "water infection" that caused my renasl failure", for a long time it was what years later would be described as "Phimoses" -This is where the foreskin becomes too tight to move back properly. I went through a relationship at 21 with the skin actually splitting. Not even thinking to go to the doctor at first. And only getting creams to begin with. As it turned out a circumsision was required and performed. Now, I'm in a bad way as the surgeon didn't seem to know the difference between a "Grower" and a "Show-er!". The former in its contract (not erect) state has wrinkles and shrinks -not unlike the statue of david. Whereas a shower contracted keeps the same size and only the hardness is lost as occurrs in the upright position. So, when grown my erections suffer a withsdrawn skin that is back with no room for movement during intercourse. And to date I have not had nor sought the opportunity to see how this affects my sex life.
During a session of being abused the early version of these symptoms showed. It caused pain to bring the foreskin back. At first he tried to 'push beyond it' as I yelled out. Outside the bathroom, my Mum, Grandma ansd Aunt were lurking somewhere. So he stopped, but actually grumbled. And still made me perform the act to as far as the foreskin would less painfully go.
Did he encourage me to see a doctor even? No. I think this and the fact he boasted about 'peeing' in the "Rugby bath" led to the infection somehow. It certainly didn't help any resolve I might've had to get things sorted out quickly.
Well, strange as it sounds. This was an insight that the nice-ness was quite fickle, a facade. Though it helped to break the lie. It served more as a piece rather than the full jigsaw.
He saw some success in society as a veteran athlete. Though he sought nude and "Greek" competitions. The policeman that investigated the case said "It should've been obvious|!" and even suggested to me that I get away from this family. A therapist later pointed out that there are families that exist that breed children in order to abuse them.
There exists an enthusiasm that translates to pressure from Parents upon their children to find a mate and breed in order to keep the family line going. Any closeness that may've existed between my dad and I has vanished because I persistently refused this. (Not least due to the way the PTSD manages to manifest itself rendering any real thoughts of trying to maintain a meaningful relationship as pointless. Not least due to the impotence. Such things are impossible to even bring up, let alone discuss with a self-ish, over bearing parent who worked to booze doing little beyond sleep in between.
Anfd herein belies another sign a paedophile will look for when selecting a target. The absence of the main male role model that nature provided. Sometimes these days of risk caused by diversity and its precious uncertainty that I had to do a subject in a degree about. Basically due to the divorce rate, it isn't always the genetic family that prevails. This however is another story. My own showed no suitable replacement and I seem to have done everything within a childs power to put off mothers potential replacement auditions. Whether any would've been able to help or have made things worse is unknown but occurrs as somehow, more a sub-conscious process at the time- was too much of a risk to find out. Now, with mothers choices generally being bad with most things it seems to have been the right thing to have stormed in after bedtime to stop them kissing on the sofa!
The abuser was always willing to help "Granny" who held him in high esteem. I'm not sure how her religious beliefs of God fit into the equation. Who was higher Granny??? Such things as turning round mid-journey as she'd forgot her pills. Don't really cover over the fact that the police uncovered many perverted items, books etc. Surely, my aunt knew. I do remember her saying my mother spoils me. And once having promised my Grandma to feed me the vegeburgers I asked for. She gave me something completelty different, and due to a "weak" stomach or "fussy" nature I couldn't eat them. So she went on at me "You're a nought!!!" Quite a nasty sharp voice in her anger as I remember it.
I think it was a shock for her, them when I phoned home and told my Grandma that she'd broke her promise. Him particularly, though no discussion had gone on about that; to make sure he didn't abuse -how could it? Still I had been given the subject -a reason to ask if I could come back home early. What did I get?? I think it was something like "don't be silly" or stick with it, see if it improves...
My aunt never took part, or it seems was ever aware of the actual sexual abuse. And I don't really know what she would have done had she been.
Did I leave the family?
Abuse and Abusiveness
The old books seems to imply that 'something within the child' mean "over sexual" or sexually aggressive. Academias current tunnel vision on Genes and "NATURE" over Nurture tends to confuse the academic that they are safe only talking positively about the former. And so explorations of the latter have been limited at best. As I wish to uncover the black spot created by the tunnel vision that is caused by "debate" (ie. Argument or formalised arguing) I will be concentrating largely on how things are worked, manipulated whether by accident or purposeful due to those with a vested interest to push things their way. (It happens in politics all the time, the abuser was a politician!)
I suggest now that Aggressiveness is a symptom of abuse. Not just the sexual acts but the frustrations that occur by not being able to escape! As for being sexually over charged. two descriptions may make this clearer for you. 1. Back to the definition of learning football. If there's no-one there to teach you from that early age then you're less likely to play it, or rather become good enough at it to be officially noticed when you do. Another analogy: Smoking, if you don't start young these days, they say you don't start! -How many have been befriended by those with a member of the family who works for a cigarette company and was encouraged to smoke by this "friend"??? The second example of exposure predominates 'learning' is any-one whose had a one night stand that shows promise of being great but turns out lousy will know. Unless this is seriously bad. (And this only happens in abuse where the perpetrator senses the parents are powerless or none- existant and the perp. has nothing to lose. If I'd had told as a young child with limited vocabulary, it wouldn't have seemed like much. Especially as he had those with blind loyalty in and outside the family who became a propaganda machine for him, even more so the family preferred him to me. So I had to look outside the family to find help! From those who had not become friends with him before I was even born. They were already biased; any signs of aggression I showed put me further into the depths of despair. They probably even turned to him for advice omn the grounds of this supposed "bond" rather strangle hold that he'd forged /forced for himself.)
So does a lowsy one night stand put you off? Or does make you want to clean up and then seek the possibility of a better conquest? After the holidays I seemed to think I could "wash myself clean" (so to speak" merely by oggling the better looking women and peers. This formed a habbit and I now seem to be stuck with a boob fettish. Further alienating me from Society (cited /citeable as risk factor in becoming abusive) I worked hard not to, but there afre times I don't even know I'm doing it, it has become so ingrained (considered as "psychosis" or "character disorder?? -laterly as a lot of men don't see a problem with it: It can lead to going too far, and so I work to not doing it.. Used properly and gently it may be an indication of attraction but doesn't work with the 'anything goes' mentality)
What to look for
In a potentially abusive person sex is almost always fore front on the mind. After the truth came out from his 'side'. And this took several visits from the police! The policeman I had contact with said "It should've been obvious!" -almost an understatement, it seems the rest of the family whom liked him either must be just as bad or as cloudy as Granny when it comes to any sense at all! Every-one just laughed along to his sexual inuendos "jokes". And to be fair some UI can still tolerate, though I have no children -note the jokes were general rather than about children in my presence anyway. (When I was young, I was considered 'too young to understand', when I was older 'he has got to learn sometime ... Yes, they pick it up at school anyway' etc.
His touching of boobs, (even Grandmas), the suggestive looks -even at me which a mate noticed- weren't taken seriously or in my case not noticed and never spoke of. Cards with suggestive fronts were sent. "One birthday a "21 Bum salute" was sent, My mum explained "this is a variation on the 21 Gun salute ..." and my dad lightly chuckled and dismissed it as "it's his humour" even the chorus of "You like your uncle Jack was heard!"
So, was I 21??? No, about 8 or 9 and too young by far to be exposed to such nonesense! No-one told him off EVER in any such way as he would have to take seriously. No refusal to take me on holiday or provide me any alternative -in fact later I was locked in so he could visit me! (as he'd questioned to Granny why I was never there on his now multiplying visits!)
I hear/ heared a lot on the lines of "children are so aware these days! -then they wonder why!
I remember out and about on holiday, these were when the bribes occurred. The "Mum's the word" had already been established causing if anything, a young child to ask "does this mean I can tell my mum." the meaning was duly explained. But not even for one minute was I ever given the counter measure by mum, or any-one else "If any-one does something to you and pursades you not to tell any-one, then even though you might have to agree or even swear some oath -which they will lie to you that it has some kind of meaning or power or consequence for breaking, the only consequence for breaking is freedom from whatever they have done so you must still tell me. -even if you want me to keep the secret with you."
That covers several bases. Also a neighbour had such a hold over her son that she got him to tell everything, she had some success about seeing through his lies or half trutrh, and any-one he didn't want to see he didn't have to -though often he would falsely blame them to avoid trouble, I don't mean he would tell tales of abuse, by far! But the "Who told you to do that?" is something of a leading question. Even "Did some-one tell you..." -this is a flash memory of a simple non-sexual play day, and I can't remember what the mis-demeanor/problem was. He turned out to get to a pass school and turns out clean, well adjusted etc. I had a different carry on. So the memory was a bit of wishful thinking but gives good insight as to prevention -even when you didn't do something you /whoever was with him were at risk of getting blamed for it. I didn't go that often.
Mum took pictures of places. One place in Scotland, where the abuser lived. Had some kind of tap in what I seem to remember as by a lighthouse or something. ~The abuser liked suggestive poses and posed with the tap on to make it look on camera like he was "passing water". Great laugh, but another sign???
Signs or possible Indicators in the child
I wet the bed, yearly I got bellowed at "come on ... your 'x' years not 'x' months" -miraculous cure -No! It's a sign of stress in the bladder caused by the premature use of the private area, that no child will learn of their own, and only when adolescence and puberty start does the issue of self eroticism become a problem because only then does there start to become feelings or rather emotions involved. -To do this despite how it was learned may contribute to the method by which victims become abusers. The alternative is Survivor to be a true survivor a person must break free from the shackles of both. This not only takes good counselling, but study and a deep look at those memories rather than the learned instinct or routine of trying to push them away. It is the sub-conscious' way of trying to tell the conscious part that something needs to be done, learned/understood etc. If it keeps coming keep studying. It is a symptom of PTSD (Piost Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Stress was something that I had for years without even knowing it. Not all caused by the abuser directly. Though through bad advice, or lack of understanding -blatant ignorance!- Decision process being taken from me - it's a wonder I can think for myself at all!
When you have to see some-one as "perfect" you are therein forced to see anything wrong as eminating from elsewhere. No matter what! It seems "You can't say that -about ...!!!"
I was never asked "Do You want to go top Scotland", but "We're going!" same as "You have to go to schoool!!!" -extra "o" on purpose as it sings out with a ringing in my ears! -even now when I remember it. I was being bullied and not only were my requests to be allowed to go on the bus to one that I chose from a friend who later didn't have to because he passed his 11+. I still 'thought'/ sensed it would be nice -nicer than the ignorant BS I had to put up with. Not only was I refused on grounds "we thought you wouldn't get a pass" -try asking! Or "You can't get out of bed for a 15-20 minute walk, how are you going to get there if you miss the bus?" -perhaps a miracle? Mum would stop smoking and hey, I could get the next one! So, it was made to sound impossible. No workable solution to be found -so was the bullying stopped? Was it hellars like!!! And it didn't give a good impression as to how the abuse would be dealt with if I told about that. Nor was "grassing" acceptable to that yob filled place!
Thwe school seemed all keen for me to tell them something on the lines, of course it would be admonishment for them of any responsibility A Griffis was perhaps breaking confidentiality rules when having learned from my mum I knew a pupil who he dealt with brought up the subject of who my 'friends' were? I think I was told about his brother abusing him. (note the type of abuse wasn't said, but as I struggled with not just a way out but the right way out -that is to say to actuall, permanent long lasting safety and sanctuary the term "abuse" became synonymous with "sexual abuse".
Mute: I was questioned by an Art Therapist in adulthood why I just said abuse, he thought, I think that I couldn't face the term sexual. And he was part right as this was Grandmas influence. Any time a romantic scene came on the TV. such as simple couples kissing. She would make a loud "Yuk!" sound, even close her eyes in such a way that would draw attention to herself, and I think she would switch channels.
So, here's another tip. In case it isn't already obvious. If the parents or main care giver cannot deal with the subject of even romance, sex, sexuality let alone have an Objective discussion. Then How is the child supposed to say something? Not only is trhere the barrier of shame, including family shame. There's the problem of denying access to even the natural modes of such subjects! No Talk allowed is the unritten rule!
Also whenever something they wanted was on it was "shut up!" yety they never checked/cared when I was interested in something. Why should the TV. take priority? And I didn't know what objective was until an Access to Higher Education course led me to an Open University Sociology Certificate in 2001. -The Art Therapist helped significantly. (An acknowledgement and "Thank You!")
If "you" as a parent, responsible adult cannot say "Is any-one abusing you in any way" then how is a child supposed to say it? All I could managwe was "I don't want to go" -on holiday
reply "OF COURSE YOU DO!" even "Don't be stupid child!"
Eventually the mother occassionally thought in her exasperated state -with me- to ask in a tone thaT DEMANDED to know "WHY!!!?"
reply "I don't like him."
Again "Of course You DO-o!" and "Stop playing up child." - "You're going!" etc. It may've been I would've prefered to sit at home on the computer. It may've been that feeling like that I would've felt happier to not go out ever again. It is now that I don't bother even trying to have holidays -I never seem to be able to mix with people I don't know, and if I'm going to be on my own it might as well be in surroundings that I know -with my own things etc. Really not developed socially, but then growing up. If we went anywhere we went there. There was a point that Grandma was invited down south with other relatives but seems to have decided not to go because we weren't (mum and / I). No-one likes my mother -she is a product of a family dis jointed by tragic circumstances of prior to my birth. -long before.
So I spent nights unable to sleep for worry. The thoughts in my head just wouldn't die down and they had no reaL OUTLET. i HADN'T REALLY DISCOVERED WRITING, NOR WAS IT PROBABLY SAFE TO. (Note: Problems with the caps. lock wghich is actually bigger than the normal shift button -how stupid!)
For some reason I tried to wake up excessively early. My interest in radio, and I wanted to catch the start of radio1 -prior to the big periodic chuck out of all the DJ's. I liked Adrian John in the mornings but was unable to stay awake for school -this didn't bother me because as each day went by the more I hated school, and the more I was chastised for lateness the more I hated it -And had one outlet to get it back; so to speak!
When a child is late, though it's labelled "he can't get out of bed!", or were I to be unruly at school "I'm surprised at you, I know your Grandma" and of course their friends are an exception and extention to them and as such can never be at fault. And how often do people fall out over fault puicking? The whole family believed I hated Grandma when I pointed out even her smallest feeling and such was the influence I believed it too! But this is far too complicated to explain here. I was hated for the percieved hatred, and criticed with it (in Grandmas defence, often by aunt and whoever else was there; the whole world would not listen to my - a mere child's point of view!) -so the two became linked. And attempts to speak up were quashed early. Nipped in the bud!
The REM song has come through on my media player list "Everybody hurts" -how true. Though my writings are motivated as discovery. Surely we don't have to repeat the same cycles like the needle returning to the start of the song and we all sing along like before.
What ever you do. Do not try to push for "reconcilliation". Donj't say or think for one minute you can keep an eye on things all the time, or assume that others feel the same as you -the abuser didn't!
The child will feel "akward" (threatened and unsafe! -this is a correct feeling and not to be shoed away!!!!) at the mere thought of the abuser visiting, let alone having to stay in their company whether supervised or not!
Don't accuse the disclosee of lying. But do say preferably from day1. that any-one you don't want to see even without giving a reason then you don't have to. For mum and Grandma; the holiday situation would've been hard to find alternative accommodation for me. Thinking about it. My dad could've stayed, -so long as I had been asked rather than told... But anyway, we're getting into the realm of "if only's" which probably isn't all that healthy.
comment as note in letter on this blog
I have included this comment from a personal email, because I am on a drive to smash the ignorance so that the next generation which is growing in number may be free, or failing that may not have to wait so long to break out of the shackles that hold so many down.
>Hi "days leaper",
>I have managed to find your blog...oh dear...what an awful story you have
>written about your life.
>And to think that NO ONE saw anything wrong......
>I hadn¹t realised that you had been under that tremendous pressure all
>I have no idea how one could ³blank it out² and go forward.....sexual issues
>stay deep in the mind, as you well know.
>I¹ll move to happier things...
That was kind words from a trusted family friend.
Another family member has not yet replied, I assume therefore she does not know what to say. A simple "Sorry to hear your troubles, lets hope we are all better prepared for any and all trials for the coming generation.
This part is reserved in case I think of anything that may be useful for people to learn how to prevent their children from becoming abused and stop themselves from looking stupid, incompetent and uncaring as parents!
I know it's not strictly the rules, but this is an exceprtion.
A psychologist once told me "It is always the last person you suspect" -or words to the effect. It seems as soon as we think of some-one as "beyond reproach" they get the message 'hey! I can do anything and get away with it."
I wish to also point out that I am not trying to put myself beyond suspicion. In fact having been long resigned to it being something that 'just happened to me', that away from him I was -or thought I was safe or safer. To realising -quite painfully- that all this affected my own behaviour. And you may've read my/ other blogs to know that it takes good counselling to reduce the risks of becoming abusive.
It makes sense that there is such a thing as this risk because there's a resulting anger of not being heard and protected; the longer that goes on the more pressure the target is under. Other factors exist like closeness to home, attitudes of families and "friends"/peers. etc. etc.
And all the while things are being taught, though they shouldn't go on they do forming patterns in the mind. I can't seem to deal with the thought of a relationship. And this in part is the risk of having children. It is also the similarity in pattern of the two exposing me to painful memories that would by accident scratch off the "scabs covering the past" exposing me to have to face my scarred past and psyche.
I therefore do not wish to be classified as "above reproach", I am merely a work in progress.