Flip your negatives to a positive. Overcoming the Emotional Battles
This is hard to publish
I find that writing and publishing this has been an inward battle. I want to be able to tell my story of emotional survival to help inspire others to keep on going forward with their lives. However putting some of this is so hard to post in a public forum.
I don't want for people judge me and think that I am a weakling.
I guess I should tell you that battle a little bit about myself here and some of the struggles I have personally been through in my life. This isn't easy to air out in an open forum, but I have to be able to write without any blocks between my head and my hands. What I am about to share is the reason that I suffer from post traumatic stress, which is why I want to help others.
Besides the fact that I grew up dirt poor in a trailer park in Maryland, my life has been filled deep emotional battles. In the trailer park where I lived, it was just like all trailer parks, it wasn't uncommon to see drug deals, random acts of violence, vandalism, thievery, and suicides. Yep, it was just your typical poor girl story. I was that little girl that watch Cinderella believing dreams can come true. For the longest time I thought the dreams that come true are the nightmares you pray to wake up from.
When I was three, my family moved to the trailer park where I met the only girl to talk to me until the sixth grade. She was three, too, and her parents let her roam the trailer park without worried. Trust me, they should have worried. Just across the street lived an old man that just loved little girls. He would tempt us with candy and have us over to his place as often as he could. There were at least five other victims that I know of from the trailer park. He wasn't just being a sweet old man. He was that creepy old dude that adults see and the hair on the back of their necks stands straight up. He was the first man to molest me.
As if being a victim to some pervert isn't bad enough, many victims of abuse will tell you that it is a cycle that repeats. There has been a total of 6 men to have robbed me of myself in my life. After each incident, I spiraled down in a bottomless pit of self-hatred. I went through years of suicidal bouts. I felt alone and scared. I didn't tell anyone until I was 18, I felt too guilty, like it was my fault and my family would hate or disown me. When I did tell my mother it ended up being a huge fight. She was angry that I didn't tell her sooner. I went to the cops, (in maryland there is no stature of limitation on sexual crimes against children) they found my initial molester, when he was brought into the police station he confessed to molesting me and several other girls. As I young woman I carried around the guilt of never telling anyone, and it turned out that my silence hurt others. If I would have said something they might not have suffered through the same treatment.
All together I received three different types of abuse. My father made it a habit to beat me or one of my family members a day...and with me being the person that I am I would jump in to save my brother or mother and get beat myself. I received mental abuse because I was the biggest mistake my parents ever made. And I lived my life like I didn't matter and as if i were doomed to live and die in that trailer park. When I was in the fifth grade, my teacher (a wonderful woman with love of giraffes) sat me down and tried to tell me that I was smart and that I had a lot of potential. It didn't get through to me.
By the time I reached the sixth grade the only girl I ever called friend moved away, I started a new school. That yeah we had a substitute teacher for the whole year and she talked to me every day...she also talked to the guidance counselor and soon I was given a career aptitude test. I tested high for lawyer and accountant. At that moment I had a goal and by the time I reached high school I had two years of Latin and was in college level classes. I was preparing myself for law school, I transferred over to a career or tech school so I could have a career to work my way through college. In my junior I was accepted into three different colleges and one was a top ranking school. My life had a purpose and I was going to get out of the trailer park.
I decided to do some underage drinking, bad decision. I was pregnant at 16 and there went college out the window. I kept my child, there was never a second where I would have considered another options. I just had faith that I would make it.
I used my technical training to get a job that supported my daughter and me. For the longest time I had to sacrifice holidays with my child to buy her presents, then I found a job where I would have rotating holidays. As I was getting ready to transfer jobs, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me, I lost him to another woman and then not even 4 months later I lost the baby that we had tried to conceive for years. I never told him, however losing the baby was the final straw and I ended up with hives all over my body, I was constantly getting sick, the doctor let me know in a kind manner after 3 months of tests that I have lupus (Systemic lupus erythematosus to be exact). I thought that my life might as well have been over, I was completely being selfish. After I bit and some education I got my bearings back together.
I finally decided to give love another go. I met a young man and after he went out of his way to be with me I gave in. We had a great relationship but then tragically he died the night before his 27th Birthday. Once again I was lost. It took awhile but 7 years later I have 2 beautiful children and a boyfriend that wants to get married. Yes I have a had a failed marriage already but this guy is the one for me.
Basically I am telling you all of this so that you know that you can get through any problem.
None of us are alone
Right now, In America every 10 seconds there is a report of child abuse, 4.85% of deaths in children is caused by abuse or neglect, and these children who abused are 25% more likely to get pregnant as teenager. This isn't to mention the abuse cases on a global basis.
There are people out there, many others, that have been through this same situation or similar ones. Anytime a young person approaches me I try to help them through but it is daunting task when so many of these victims are silent because they fear the consequences of speaking out. We can all do something to improve these lives.
Try to take the negatives of your life and turn them into a positive. Make a difference and help people around you, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on it will help. I encourage you to try to save the life of a child. With the rising numbers of child deaths due to abuse we need to all make a difference. I am not against a spanking or sometimes yelling but there are people who really beat their children out there. These kids will protect the ones who beat them as I did my father, but if you just take the time to listen and show them that you care, they might open up to you. If you make a difference to just one child in this lifetime you will be making a huge difference in the world.