Spouse adddiction, exhausted and sad
Spouse seeking Answers to Alcoholism
thanks for reading my post and for the comment. Since this problem, or issue, if you prefer, is widespread throughout most of the civilized world, the blog I'm going to write about goes directly to the problem of addicts and those who attempt to help them.
Many professionals still assume the alcoholic is the problem, without considering the awful impact on lives the alcoholic leaves in his wake.
Presently, talk of co-dependency is "not where it's at." We don't want the medicine if it's a little bitter or we have to work hard for it. It was a bit overdone there, but it's about time we bring the subject back into the mainstream. Just because a decade or two of those who heard about it learned about it. Some even applied this new subject to their lives successfully,
It's hard to ignore the millions in the dark about it. Not knowing or maybe not even caring after years of misery living with an addict that there is something better in life than non-participation, pain, isolation, depression and anxiety. And the kids--what about the kids? shouldn't we contine to pretend everything is OK?
There are a few steps that many have taken and successfully succeeded in saving not only themselves but their children too.
The first one you have done and that is to reach out to others and admit to a problem. That is a big and maybe the most important step of all and that is to make some phone calls and find a codependency support group and attent a meeting to see how it feels and if it might be one rung on steps to what I call healing the mind, the body, and the spirit.
Look up codependency support groups in your city. Look up Alanon. Get involved in whatever suits you, but get out of the house and seek out others who have similar experiences. The spouse? Tell him you have to start caring for yourself. He may react with rage, or a "heart attack," and throw the accusations around you. You know the ones.
I think you might find a warmth that can only come from others in a supportive environment. No one is there to judge but to help and nurture you through what might be a rocky road, even if the partner has stopped drinking. You aren't crazy for trying something new.
Another support group is Ala-Non, which helps the family, especially the kids, including teens, find a caring and supportive place away from "out there." There are different meetings for different objectives, so that everyone has a chance to experience and settle with a group they feel at home with.
I will post articles from time to time and if there is a known subject of interest that might be troubling to our readers, I will certainly rate as a priority any concerns and will write about it right away.
Good luck. and my prayers go out to you and others who feel trapped, as though tenticles were engulfing and smothering the life out of them, and there is no escape.
I can assure you that there is a better way to live for all who suffer the effects of this illness. collateral are the children. Not involved? Of course they are involved and may even be assisting in your efforts to cover it up. One may have already set out to fix everything by being perfect in every way..
One parent to a friend, " we don't fight in front of the kids." So ignoring one another won't be noticed by the family?
So much to do. But the new way is to begin the realization that we really control precious little of anything of significance in our lives. Whatever we have to do may be accomplished one day at a time. It's all we have. there are no guarantees, no matter how much we try to move the players around on the stage before us, We fail. And in the end we are nothing, so what should we be putting our energy into? that's the ultimate question we, each of us, in our own time and way must come to grips with. It's a paradox, among many paradoxes.
We put so much time into trying not to be what we really are--that we have no energy left to accept ourselves, warts, and all, and start from there. Honesty, however, throughout is a cornerstone for success and recovery.
Addiction to someone who is alcoholic can be easily replaced by addiction to someone who is a recovering alcoholic. Watching for the shoe to drop, or keeping an eye out for any sign of a slip is sure to cause resentment and may be used as an excuse for anger and resentment toward the watcher.
This behavior, known as a dry drunk is common. Even in AA there are those who think sobriety means only put the cork back in the bottle. Sober living is not just an expectation of the recovering alcoholic. all in contact with with the recovering person must look out for their own recovery.
It is not within our power to change the alcoholic, however, often the alcoholic will change if the significant other makes the effort to develop other interests, instead of constant care of another grown person. When a change is made in the family dynamics, it forces others to change in order to maintain family balance.
The effort to change will pay off in a bonus for yourself. Not only will you find that life is easier without so much to control, the family will receive the benefit of being able to relax in a previous situation that resemebled a pressure cooker. Even in those homes where silence was the rule, lest someone become upset, the atmosphere is oppressive and feels exactly like the pressure cooker situation. Encourage your recovering alcoholic to go to an AA meeting, then find something to do that pleases you and do it.