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Stop Focusing on The Narcissist!

Updated on December 27, 2017
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The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.

A lot of the articles you may read here are about narcissistic people, but the narcissist should not be the focus of healing. Understanding them is very important, and there is nothing worse than not knowing what is wrong with your loved one. Understanding helps us figure out what is going wrong so that we can let go and move on. However, to make it clear: the narcissist should not be the focus. Your own healing and wellness should be.

It's often easier to focus on what someone else did than it is to confront our own pain, or our own part in a situation, but healing can't begin until that happens. Part of healing - truly healing - is learning and forgiving yourself. If you cannot confront your own pain, you can't do either one of those things. This is why we sometimes see people simply going from one narcissistic relationship to another. When the focus is on the other person, the internal issues that are creating a vulnerability to that type of relationship are not being addressed. If they're not being addressed, they cannot be healed. Then the whole thing just starts all over again.

There are many articles by this author regarding how to break the sticky bonds with abusive and toxic people, so we will not revisit all of that here. Those articles can help you understand why you keep becoming entangled in these types of relationships and how to stop that from happening. Or maybe you already have an idea, but you can't seem to put it into action. Either way, it's important to remember that understanding the narcissist is only half the problem. Once you've made your peace with why they did what they did, it's time to figure out why you did what you did. Otherwise, people find themselves in the same relationship over and over again without ever understanding why.

People often ask, "Why do I keep attracting narcissists?" but that to me is not the question. The question to me is not, "Why do I keep attracting narcissists?" but "Why do I keep being attracted to narcissists in the first place?" The way this question is posed demonstrates that the focus is on the wrong person. Because it wouldn't matter why they were attracted to you if you were not attracted to them anyway because you would not enter into a relationship with them, or you would end the relationship when they revealed themselves - which as you know, they always do. There is often a sense of helplessness surrounding the whole situation, as though things are just happening and people have no control over them. This is not the case! You're not helpless. You do have strength. You do have power. All you have to do is decide to use it and it will be there.

All relationships are a two way street. Yes, narcissists misrepresent themselves and of course abuse is always wrong, but don't forget: it isn't just that narcissists are attracted to you or in a relationship with you. You have power here also. You are in a relationship with them as well. You are obviously attracted to them, too. Regardless of the type of relationship, whether the narcissist is your parent or your spouse or your sibling... when the relationship finally revealed itself as toxic and abusive, you stayed in it.

There is a reason you have not ended this relationship. But what is it? When you can look at that honestly and figure out why you are willing to accept less than you deserve, you can stop it from happening. Then you don't have to worry about figuring out who is a narcissist and who isn't, because it won't matter. Anyone who reveals themselves as toxic will not be appealing to you anymore. You will know you deserve better and you will not be afraid to act on that. It takes work to get there and it can be pretty uncomfortable, but rest assured, it is far less uncomfortable than dealing with an abusive person who does not care about you or your feelings at all. That is a hell on earth that nobody deserves. And it doesn't have to be your reality anymore.

These things can be hard for many people to hear, but it is so important to understand that they are the absolute truth. The narcissist has taken enough from you already. They've been the main focus for so long. Isn't it time to start focusing on the person who has been ignored so long - yourself?


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